2004 | Whoops & Squawks

Wee Wee Monsieur. . .

"AP and UPI report that the French government announced today that in light of the terrorist bombing in Madrid, Spain, France has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." --Spam item circulating on the Internet and received April 6, 2004.

There'll Be No Trouble Filling The Ranks. . .

"In threatening to rally his loyal followers in protest via a Million Moron March on Washington, Mr. Stern displays terrific political moxie. He knows that Washington will turn out big-time for a march of morons, if only out of sympathy for its own." --Alan Abelson, writing in Barron 's about a threat by radio show pottymouth Howard Stern to retaliate against Dubya, the FCC, Clear Channel Communications, and everyone else involved in dumping his show because of his intemperate language on-air. (April 12, 2004)

It's All Three

"In the April 11 Star, reporter Mary Beth Schneider posed five questions to (State Superintendent of Public Instruction) Dr. Suellen Reed. With all the challenges Indiana education faces, the reporter chose to ask a question about Reed's hairstyle. I don't know if it's more embarrassing that Schneider asked the question, that Reed chose to answer it, or that the Star published it." --Michelle Thomas of Lebanon, Indiana, writing in a letter to the editor of the Indianapolis Star in April, 2004.

Let's Play Two!!

"I see them in foul dugouts, gnawed by rats/And in the ruined trenches, lashed with rain/Dreaming of things they did with balls and bats. . ." -- Siegfried Sassoon, World War I-era poet, quoted in the Chicago Tribune April 26, 2004.

Meaningless Gibberish On Meaningless Gibberish, Squared

"Britney was absolutely devastated when I told her." --Taryn Manning, an actress friend of Britney Spears, on breaking the news to Britney that the Japanese symbols tattooed on her hipbone were meaningless gibberish (from Newsweek magazine, May 17, 2004).

And Now, Checking In From The University Of Mars. . .

"Vote for Bolinas to be a socially acknowledged nature-loving town because to like to drink the water out of the lakes to eat the blueberries to like the bears is not hatred to hotels and motor boats. Dakar. Temporary and way to save life, skunks, and foxes (airplanes to go over the ocean) and to make it beautiful." -- Exact wording of a ballot measure approved 314-152 in November of 2003 by the voters of Bolinas, California. The measure was proposed by Jane Blethen, also known as Dakar, "a local woman who frequently dresses in burlap and paints her face with chocolate," according to Harper's Magazine, which unearthed and printed the news in its May, 2004 edition.

Yeah, And You Can Get Plastered On It, Too!

"Beer. . .is the connecting river of men's social relationships." --Mike Bowler, in a Baltimore Sun article reprinted in the May 14, 2004, Indianapolis Star, about the declining number of beer can collectors in the United States. (May 14, 2004)

Chappaquiddick

". . .Saddam's torture chambers have reopened under new management, U.S. management." --Senator Teddy Kennedy, commenting on the Abu Ghraib prison scandal in Iraq. (May, 2004)

Albany

"(Conservatives) write their messages with crayons. We use fine-point quills.” –Quotation attributed to Mario Cuomo, legendary Democrat and former governor of New York State.

And To Think, This Wacko Commie Left-Wing, Brit-Hating Pacifist Got A Complete Makeover And Is Now A Capitalist Icon

"I work for a government I despise for ends I consider criminal." -- John Maynard Keynes, legendary economist, writing during World War I about his job working for the British government. (Quoted in the June 21, 2004, issue of The Weekly Standard )
"A company that will go to the ends of the earth for its people will find that it can hire them for about 10% of the cost of Americans." --Despair, Inc., motto on one of its monthly 2004 calendars.

Letting Him And Them Off Easy. . .

"Teddy Kennedy crawls out of Boston Harbor with a quart of Scotch in one pocket and a pair of pantyhose in the other, and Democrats hail him as their party's spiritual leader." --Ann Coulter, writing in her new book, How to Talk To A Liberal (If You Must). (December 21, 2004)