Splinters From the Bench

• “Brooks Robinson, George Sisler, Charlie Gehringer, Luke Appling, Lou Gehrig, Billy Williams, Nellie Fox, Jimmie Foxx, Luis Aparicio, Ted Williams, Reggie Jackson, Ernie Banks, Joe Morgan, Tony Perez, Richie Ashburn, Ozzie Smith, Lloyd Waner, Pie Traynor, Mickey Mantle, Ryne Sandberg, Carlton Fisk, Orlando Cepeda, Eddie Mathews, Kirby Puckett, Mike Schmidt, Joe DiMaggio, Kiki Cuyler, Joe Cronin, Joe Medwick, Bill Terry, Pee Wee Reese, Yogi Berra, Duke Snider, Harmon Killebrew, Willie McCovey, Johnny Bench, Gary Carter, George Kell, Bobb Doerr, Bill Mazeroski, Johnny Mize, Bill Dickey, Gabby Hartnett, Jackie Robinson, and a couple of dozen of other “immortals. . .”—Major League players who are in baseball’s Hall of Fame who had fewer lifetime hits than Harold Baines, a former Chicago White Sox outfielder, who received a mere 28 votes for admission in the most recent election (408 votes are required for admission).  Baines was used in a column by Mike Downey of the Chicago Tribune as one of many examples of inconsistency—if not outright injustice—in the Hall’s admissions procedures.  (January 10, 2008)

• University of Illinois fans have spent a year or so in flaming rage over losing their prime basketball recruit to Indiana University after the lad—Eric Gordon--had given a verbal commitment to the Illini.  But when a Kentucky player, Alex Legion, announced he was transferring to Illinois, and when the Illini’s 2008 football recruiting class included four players who have previously committed to other schools but switched finally to Illinois, not a one of these howlers was heard screaming bloody murder about it. That was entirely different, you see.

• The Chicago Cubs unveiled a seven-foot tall bronze statue of Ernie Banks, the team’s most popular player of the 20th century, outside Wrigley Field to celebrate opening day of the 2008 season. Its black granite base contained an inscription of a phrase symbolizing Banks’ love of the game—“Let’s Play Two!”  But, in another classic example of Cub Futility, somebody left off the apostrophe. So there the thing stood, shouting stupidly, Lets Play Two!  A couple of journalists spotted it and within minutes the news was all over Chicago. Anguished Cubs officials promised to get it corrected right away.  (March 31, 2008)

Wait Till The ACLU Finds Out About This!

• NBA star Dwight Howard in a spring interview said his goal was to someday see the NBA logo changed to a picture of Jesus. (May 7, 2008)
• The new Lehigh Valley (Pennsylvania) baseball franchise in the International League has chosen a team nickname which makes my list of all-time greats. They’re calling themselves the Iron Pigs (a term associated with steel manufacturing). (May 31, 2008)
• Another great baseball tradition has been taken away and buried, almost without notice. The annual Hall of Fame game held the past 68 years at Cooperstown, New York, the site of the Baseball Hall of Fame, has been canceled. The final game, to have been played in mid-June between the Cubs and the Padres, was rained out. Writer Tom Verducci of the Sports Illustrated website (SI.com) duly noted it in a June 24 posting.

Good!

• “I am not talking to any club about Barry Bonds because they all made it very clear to me they are not interested in him. Every club.”—Jeff Boris, agent for baseball’s reigning Flaming Rectal Orifice, Bonds, who has offered to play for the minimum wage after being released by the San Francisco Giants, quoted in the July 11 edition of USA Today. Boris added that he believes there is a “conspiracy” against Bonds. (July 11, 2008)

Minnie: Five Decades and Five Names

• Two or three times recently e-mail has brought this wonderful baseball trivia question: What is Minnie Minoso’s real name? The answer is: Saturnino Orestes Armas Minoso Arrieta. He was an outstanding player for the Chicago White Sox and Cleveland Indians mostly in the 1950s and 60s. Minoso is also the answer to a second trivia question, as the only major leaguer to play in five different decades. A native of Cuba, he debuted with Cleveland in 1949, played through the 1950s and 1960s (including one season, 1962, with the St. Louis Cardinals and one (1963) with the Washington Senators), then played in a couple games in 1976 for the White Sox (one hit in eight at-bats), and in 1980 at age 54 played in one game for the White Sox--making him also the oldest player ever to play in the major leagues.) (July 24, 2008)
• Five years ago there were three college football coaches making $2 million a year. Today there are 21, and Alabama’s new coach, Nick Saban, makes six times more than the school president.—The Wall Street Journal, in a lengthy report on college football in its Friday, August 29, edition.
• Lucas Oil Stadium, the new home of the Indianapolis Colts, has finally opened. The basic outlines of the outrageously, outrageously generous deal for the Colts and the National Football League have been well-publicized. But, surprise! New twists have emerged. First, the building originally was supposed to cost $675 million. It actually cost $750 million or more. Now the Indianapolis Star reports that the annual operating budget, originally projected at $10 million, is going to be--$20 million or more!—and that expense is going to come out of already heavily-bombed taxpayer pockets. City, state, and Colts officials are backing and filling as fast as they can. The city is already financially strapped. The building is a stunner, certainly, with a retractable roof and huge expanses of glass showcasing the downtown Indianapolis skyline, a glittering gem of a playpen for a franchise of Hessian millionaires. As usual, the joke’s on Mr. and Mrs. Front Porch. (September 18, 2008)

Warring Generations

• University of Kansas student football fans aren’t taking any crap from their elders. Not now. There’s too much at stake. At an October home game versus Colorado, Kansas Coach Mark Mangino addressed the rowdy student section via the scoreboard video. He asked — begged — them to “stop that chant,” (the students roar, “Rip his head off” and add a profanity to it—every time Kansas kicks off), show sportsmanship, and act like grownups. The youngsters were not up to the challenge. Following Coach Mangino’s plea, KU kicked off and the students defiantly yelled the chant anyway. The alumni section, which could have responded with small arms fire and a hail of rotten vegetables, booed loudly instead. (October 13, 2008)
• Few things could be finer than a Tampa Bay Devil Rays versus Philadelphia Phillies World Series. Not only are the evil Boston Red Sox knocked out of it, but both league champions are in the “small markets” so dreaded by TV network poohbahs. Delicious. (October 20, 2008)

The Cubs: Suffering As Only IU Football Fans Can . . .

• After the Chicago Cubs won their division title and were swept out of the first-round playoffs in three games, Cub fans poured out their hearts and despair in Chicago papers. They sounded like the only other group of people in the universe who could understand: Indiana University football fans. Brian Patke wrote to the Chicago Tribune that next year’s Cubs marketing slogan should be “Chicago Cubs baseball — Come share in the never-ending nightmare.” He vowed never to set foot in Wrigley Field again, said he had boxed up all his Cubs memorabilia and thrown it in a dumpster. “To pass this collection of misery down to my kids,” Patka said, “would only be committing the same brutal punishment my father passed down to me..” I wish I could say it’s been fun,” he added, “ but that would be like saying that multiple minor heart attacks are no big deal.” William Gottschalk wrote to suggest that next year’s rallying cry could be, “Wait till next century!” But the best came from Mike Byrne of suburban Hanover Park, who mused: “The Cubs are not gravitas. They are gravity, a force as certain as the sun setting in the west and the deficit rising in the east. They are not a team so much as a life lesson: . . .the world is not your oyster and championships do not always come to those who wait. How many have been born, lived, and died watching and loving this team, never to see that wish fulfilled?” A deep breath, and Byrne went on. “But it is not defeatism that I preach; it is stoicism. Will I be there again to follow the Cubs next season? You bet I will. I am not abandoning them to lose what I always expected them to lose, any more than I would abandon a child who had suffered a succession of failures. I will be there, standing tall and rooting for the team. . .And if it’s a cold, drizzly, miserable day, it will be all the more appropriate.” (October 15, 2008)

At Last! A Remedy For The Incredible Shrinking Cagers Problem?

• “Here’s what we need on draft day: Picks go up on stage, shake the commissioner’s hand, take off their shoes, and a bar descends from the ceiling that gives us a true measurement. We get a snapshot, and the matter is settled once and forever.” –Sports Illustrated magazine, in a brief item (labeled “No More Tall Tales”) about Michael Beasley, the No. 1 pick in last spring’s draft, who has already shrunk two inches from his listed college height of 6’10”.

Gene, Gene, Gene

• Gene Keady, the highly respected old Purdue basketball coach, had been off my radar for a year or so. Then at halftime of the IU-Gonzaga game, there he was again—part of the Big Ten Network’s halftime experts panel. He looked sharp in a dark grey suit and blue tie. But then my gaze drifted upward, to one of the most god-awful hairpieces in the universe. Now there is a visible gap of an inch or two of baldness encircling Gene’s head, between the fringe of real hair at about ear-level, and the bottom edge of the wig/comb-over, which is shiny black—it almost looks shellacked, for cripe’s sake!--and combed up from the back and over the top to the right side. There’s a sharp color contrast between the two, to make it worse.  Where are his children, his family members, friends? Where are the caregivers, who might be able to intervene? Gene is a fine man, a wonderful man. But you can’t let a loved one go out in public looking like this. You just can’t. You want to grab Gene by the lapels and shake him and ask him what is he thinking.  Somebody’s got to convince him of the truth—bald is cool and he should ditch the rug. (December 6, 2008)

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