Splinters From the Bench

The Agony Of Rick Smith, The Dopiness Of Chan Gailey

• "There's been a mixup someplace over the years. He's tried to get it straightened up over the years and, for some reason, someone hasn't let him."--Chan Gailey, the new head football coach at Georgia Tech, quoted in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution in response to Tech's January 28 admission that it had released a biography of newly-hired assistant coach Rick Smith which contained "false information." This is Georgia Tech code for: Smith's resume had been "doctored up," and contained some lies. Smith's resume, it turned out, claimed he had played football and baseball for Florida State, but in fact he was never on the football team and was cut from the baseball team. Intrepid reporters discovered that the "errors" have been in Smith's records at least as far back as 1985. The image of Smith battling valiantly over years and years to rid his resume of untruths, but being thwarted at every turn by a mysterious, unnamed "someone," as Coach Gailey contends, is simply priceless. (January 29, 2002)

• The New York Yankees surprised many by releasing outfielder Ruben Rivera for stealing a bat and a glove from teammate Derek Jeter during spring training. Rivera got a $200,000 settlement on his $1 million contract. He expressed surprise that the Yankees dumped him. "Everyone makes mistakes," a perfectly Clintonian Rivera told a Panamanian television interviewer. "It was just a moment when I wasn't thinking right." Rivera said he's had feelers from other teams "even though right now things are a little more difficult." He expressed confidence that he'd find a new team and continue his otherwise lackluster (.218 career batting average) career. The only thing surprising about this picture is that the Yankees actually took offense and acted. (March 15, 2002)

• I heard on the radio that the NCAA basketball tournament is the second-biggest betting event in the nation. Only the Super Bowl draws more wagering. The announcer said that over 55 billion (or million) was being wagered on NCAA games this month. But don't anybody dare give a "student-athlete" a five-dollar bill, or the NCAA will be on you like the wrath of Coach (worse than God).

Billy Still Shilling

• The worst thing about last night's game was having to listen to broadcaster Billy Packer shill for the ACC, where he coached and played (Wake Forest) in pre-broacasting career days. I have listened to him cover NCAA games for years and his pro-ACC bias is obvious. (April 2, 2002)

• Michael Anderson of Chicago has an absolutely brilliant idea. In a letter to the editor of the Chicago Tribune, he says he's tired of the bitching about mascot names for athletic teams. Why don't we just call all teams "Home" and "Away"? he asks. Then at every game we could just yell "Go Home" and "Go Away". Perfect! (April 11, 2002)

• Must be the something in the spring air that's making citizens feisty. For three days after the "mascot letter" in theTribune came a missile from John Dunham printed in the Indianapolis Star. Dunham took issue with efforts by the Colts football team to flimflam the city and its taxpayers into providing the team with a bigger, better stadium. Dunham says the Colts are a small-market team and should have a small-market stadium. "The players are also too large," Dunham wrote. "We should trade for shorter players." Dunham said the seats themselves are "about perfect." Short of bringing in the B-52s, Dunham has nailed it precisely. (April 14, 2002)

• The arrival of Tim Spooneybarger in an Atlanta Braves uniform this season prompted a USA Today reporter to dig in the archives for 13-lettered surnames. He found that only 13 players before Spooneybarger had made the big leagues with 13-lettered last names. They are: Gene DeMontreville and Lee DeMontreville (1894-1904), Kirk Dressendorfer (1991), Todd Hollandsworth (1995-present), Al Hollingsworth (1935-46), Bonnie Hollingsworth (1922-28), Austin Knickerbocker ((1947), Bill Knickerbocker (1933-42), Kenny Raffensberger (1939-54), Lou Schiappacasse (1902), Ossee Schreckengost (1897-1908), William Van Landingham (1994-97), and Steve Wojciechowski (1995-97). Case Closed? (April 24, 2002)

Bartender! Make That Two Cupcakes For The Rickster!

• University of Louisville Coach Rick Pitino has been busy at work while UL fans have been sleeping. He's using the old scheduling sleight-of-hand trick--raised to an art form by former Notre Dame Coach Digger Phelps--to boost UL's odds for a winning season. Pitino has quietly dumped two "dangerous games" from Louisville's 2002-2003 schedule. One of the outcasts was Western Kentucky, which beat UL last December in Freedom Hall, 68-65, and went on to an NCAA tourney bid. The other team dropped was UNLV. Western Kentucky Athletic Director Wood Selig was plenty steamed when informed of the cancellation, and accused Louisville officials of gutlessness for allowing Pitino to bail out of the match. Pitino evaded comment and UL officials stonewalled. Selig's mistake is expecting to find someone with guts who'll stand up to a powerful head coach in these situations. Cupcake scheduling is common among Division I basketball and football powers and one of these days Western Kentucky will try it, too, and find it works wonders in the old won-lost column. (April 25, 2002)

• The Seattle Mariners made strange news over the weekend. Team poohbahs told fans who tried to enter the park wearing "Yankees Suck" T-shirts to turn their shirts inside out, take them off, or they'd be denied admission. Team spokesperson Rebecca Hale said the Mariners want to promote a family atmosphere and the T-shirts didn't fit in with that concept. "We have a code of conduct, a policy on language on clothing and banners and signs," she said, "Our feeling was this was not promoting what we want." Imagine: (a) someone thinking there ought to be standards, and (b) actually trying to enforce any. Watch for outraged fans to sue for billions, claiming their First Amendment rights have been violated. (April 30, 2002)

• Tucked away in the sports section April 30 was a note that the NCAA has asked that Matt Christensen, the Duke University basketballer who noisily confronted a referee after Duke's March 19 loss to Indiana in the NCAA tourney, write a letter of apology to the official. If this damages Christensen's self-esteem, something less onerous will be arranged. This is precious.

Phantom Degrees Claim Another Victim

• Man, more resume problems! The latest involves Tom Collen, who quit less than 24 hours after being hired as the women's basketball coach at Vanderbilt University, when some troublemaker revealed that Cullen's resume "incorrectly claimed" he had two master's degrees. Vanderbilt athletic director Todd Turner confirmed that the discovery was a "deal-breaker." USA Today's account of this Most Recent Unpleasantness Unjustly Alleged To Involve Fraud On a Resume said that Collen used a 1997 resume when he applied for the job and that it listed two master's degrees from Miami (Ohio) University received in 1982 and 1983. Collen told eager reporters at the Nashville airport just before leaving town that he "had believed for 17 years" that he had earned the two degrees. "There was never any intention to deceive anybody. It was just a mistake that was never caught," Cullen was quoted saying. (May 3, 2002)

No Way, Jose

• Jose Canseco has announced his retirement from baseball. Already pundits are asking: Will he make the Hall of Fame? The idea is preposterous, which means he probably will.
• The very last sentence of an ESPN.com story about a Blue Jays-Yankees baseball game noted that when slugger Jason Giambi came to bat in the sixth inning, the Yankees played a song called "Baba O'Riley" by The Who. ESPN noted that this was the same song "often used by Paul O'Neill, who retired after last season." I pride myself on staying at the cutting edge of fashion and societal trends, but here's one I may have missed. Do baseball players have their own "signature" songs that management plays in their home parks? (May 21, 2002)

Fabsters, Maize 'n Blue Hopin' Ed Won't Squawk

• Big Booster Ed Martin's been found guilty and is rumored to be ready to cooperate with prosecutors before sentencing, and we can bet that's got the University of Michigan's Sleaze Machine--and perhaps other schools--puckered up and poopin' tight little pellets these days. Martin is the legendary Detroit union boss and UM "athletic department booster" who's been hangin' around UM's program for decades, whose name has bubbled up time and time again whenever recruiting scandals have made the news, but who always kept the Code of Silence until this Most Recent Unpleasantness Said to Have Involved Over Six Hundred Thousand Dollars of Untraceable Cash And Certain Other Enticements Passed to Michigan Basketball Players, Most Notably Certain Members Of The 'Fab Five'. Michigan officials and players have denied everything forever, and still do to this day. But a jury bought the government's evidence and Martin faces big prison time. Word seeping out of the big city is that not only Michigan but other big-time basketball programs have worked for years through Martin in recruiting Detroit area high school basketball players, and that if Martin squeals it will expose the biggest college sports scandal ever. While it's thrilling to hope so, I'm skeptical. My guess is that we'll hear a lot of sanctimonious huffing and puffing and a few corpses will be tossed out in ritual sacrifice, and that'll be it. Does anyone actually believe that the NCAA and university administrators, coaches and ADs will unflinchingly face this and end it? Remember how our own paragon of virtue, Coach, used to yap and scream about cheaters but not once in 30 years at Indiana was He ever known to publicly provide the name of a single one? The coaching and sports fraternity is a brotherhood. These guys look out for each other and subscribe to the Mafia's code of silence. The only hope here will be if outside forces intervene, such as the courts via prosecutions, or lawsuits by civilians. Believe it when it happens. Believe nothing until it does. (June 3, 2002)

Harris Shocks World, Takes Full Blame For Phony Resume

• Man, the phony resume epidemic continues! Now it's Dartmouth's new athletic director, Charles Harris. He resigned June 11 on the day he was to have been introduced in his new job. His resume claimed he had a master's degree in journalism from the University of Michigan. An unidentified caller turned him in. Harris, who was coming to Dartmouth after serving since 1996 as commissioner of the Mid-Eastern Athletic Conference and holding several committee and chairman positions with the NCAA, admitted he had no such degree and resigned. He didn't cut and run, either. "The facts are what they are," he said. "I offer no defense." Harris accepted full responsibility for "failure to correct the record" and for his "youthful exuberance to manipulate the facts in a very competitive market 24 years ago." (June 12, 2002)

Collen Was Innocent--But His Job's Gone

• And around the same time, a grotesque irony: Tom Collen, who was forced to resign after one day as women's basketball coach at Vanderbilt when allegations arose about degrees he cited on his resume, has been vindicated--but too late. Miami (Ohio) University has confirmed that it made a mistake when it reported Collen did not have the degrees he claimed. The University confirmed that Collen did have the degrees and that its own records were in error. Vanderbilt has already hired a new coach in Collen's place, and his former job at Colorado State has also been filled. My guess is Miami had better brace for a lawsuit from Collen, who had signed a five-year Vanderbilt contract at $300,000 per year and is now unemployed because of Miami's goof-up. (June 12, 2002)

• ". . .He learned at the knee of Michael Jordan, who mastered the art of hawking products while standing for absolutely nothing. . .Woods' father, Earl, has talked about his son being a messiah who will bring nations together. We now know that a 3-iron will have to do the talking for Tiger, not his tongue." --Rick Morrissey, columnist for the Chicago Tribune, writing about Tiger Woods in the June 21 issue on the use of superstar athletes to advertise products. (June 21, 2002)

Another One Bites The Dust

• The horror continues, but Mike Wilson has found a way to split a hair over it. Wilson, an assistant basketball coach at the University of Richmond (home of the Spiders, one of the all-time great collegiate nicknames) has been fired for "inaccurate information in media guide biographies." The news account in USA Today was a bit sketchy, but Wilson's version is that the culprit was "misinformation" printed in the media guide at his prior place of employment, Auburn University, which somehow was transferred forward to his new, though brief, job at Richmond. The Richmond, Virginia, Times-Dispatch broke the story, and it quoted Wilson saying that "(the University of) Richmond was aware of these things before I got here. There's a difference between a bio and a resume. I've never handed in a resume that was not accurate at any university, including the University of Richmond. I'm being terminated for a bio instead of a resume." At least Wilson didn't blame it on a sinister conspiracy which thwarted his years-long efforts to get the "misinformation" corrected, as one hapless chap did earlier this spring. How much more of this do we need before every coach in this great land of ours gets out the old resume and biographical sketch and submits them to an electron microscope inspection to root out errors? You'd think they'd wise up. (July 1, 2002)

Putting Two and Two Together (And Getting 21) In Arizona Department

• Nineteen players on the Northern Arizona University's 85-member football team have been convicted of crimes (mostly underage drinking and disorderly conduct) and two more players are still in the legal system on charges of rape and assault, according to the (Phoenix) Arizona Republic. The newspaper says that coach Jerome Souers said he "monitors his players' conduct as closely as possible and. . .thinks there is an alcohol problem on his team" which he is "trying to do something about." (July 1, 2002)

The Bloviations Of Howard Bryant

• The New York Yankees, after providing multimillionaire pitcher Orlando Hernandez a translator for five years, have assigned the translator other duties and suggested Hernandez learn English. Yankee players interviewed, including the Latin contingent, expressed no sympathy for Hernandez. One said it was long past time Hernandez got with the program. But Howard Bryant, sports writer for the Bergen County, New Jersey Record newspaper, seemed alarmed. His account, printed in the July 2 Indianapolis Star, said that the team was "forcing" Hernandez to learn English, though the story hardly supports such a conclusion. The team has merely stopped providing the pitcher a paid translator, and given Hernandez the option--the choice--of hiring his own translator if he does not want to learn English, or learning English at his own expense if he wishes to. Hernandez is perfectly free to go on speaking any language he wants to speak, but at his own expense. But a hyperventilating Bryant wrote on, saying that "forcing players to speak English is a murky topic that. . .enters the dangerous ground (italics mine) in the areas of English-only statutes, racism, and discrimination." Bryant needs a Valium drip, and something to clear up a murky mind. This is a non-issue, and--just a hunch-- the product of the writer's fevered wacko left-wing orientation. Amusing, though. (July 2, 2002)

• Hey! Good News! A judge has issued a gag order in The Most Recent Allen Iverson Unpleasantness. Bad news: it's too late--we're gagging already. (July 23, 2002)

• "The Durham trade and the Contreras firing lead you to believe that the next Sox promotion will be Embalming Fluid Day." --Steve Rosenbloom, Chicago Tribune columnist, commenting on the Chicago White Sox organization's decision to fire its pitching coach (Contreras) and begin jettisoning high-salaried veterans. (July 28, 2002).

A Year To Get Clean

• The major league baseball players association has announced its members will submit to steroid testing starting next year. They're giving themselves plenty of time to get clean. If they really wanted this to be believable, they'd make it effective tomorrow morning, or yet today. (August 8, 2002)

• The Chicago Cubs have announced they're going to limit their prize rookie pitcher, Mark Prior, to no more than 40 more innings this season. They're afraid he'll destroy his arm, otherwise. Teddy Greenstein of the Chicago Tribune reported that Prior pitched 51 innings in the minor leagues before being called up to the bigs, and has pitched 94 innings so far for the Cubs. Forty more would give him 185 innings for the season--"already a heavy load for a 21-year-old arm," according to Greenstein. My recollection is that in the olden days 185 innings would hardly have been a heavy load for any pitcher. Am I hallucinating? Somebody should look this up! America has a right to know! Maybe Teddy can do it on a slow day. Danged candyasses. (August 14, 2002)

Burying A Dog

• The World Basketball Championships hosted by Indianapolis ended September 8 as an administrative success but a financial and attendance flop. There were 27 sessions held over 11 days which drew 186,014 people. Average attendance per game was 6,414. Officials of the Indiana Sports Corp., which sponsored, organized, and administered the event, had hoped for far more. It is likely to be the only money-loser the group has ever hosted in Indianapolis. The American team, a collection of second-tier NBA no-names, lacked "star quality" and was never in the medal running. The name-calling and blame game broke into the open at a contentious post-mortem press conference September 8. ISC president Dale Neuberger clashed publicly with Tom Jernstedt, president of USA Basketball, over what went wrong. The latter said local organizers overpriced tickets by assuming the market for them would be equivalent to the Olympics or an NBA championship, and said the city's lack of "cultural diversity" hampered attendance. He's correct on both counts. The handwriting was on the wall, in my view, the instant ticket pricing was announced early in the summer. There were $12 tickets available in the early going, but they were "nosebleed" seats. Prices rapidly escalated. A quarterfinal ticket for the U.S.-Yugoslavia cost $55-$110, and tickets to the championship game were $195. Polls have shown for years that Americans have low interest in "international basketball" competition. There was no local "buzz" about the tournament, and little advertising. Neuberger got snippy with a local reporter who asked him why the event didn't draw the big crowds hoped for. Neuberger's answer was to tell the reporter "to conduct an interview with the people who weren't at the event." A look in the mirror would serve Neuberger better. The event was superbly run, by all accounts, but attendance expectations and pricing were simply unrealistic for the Indianapolis market setting. (September 10, 2002)

• "Fib Five." --Term coined by Chicago Tribune columnist Steve Rosenbloom to describe Michigan's touted "Fabulous Five" basketball recruits of the 1990s, one of whom (Chris Webber) has just been indicted and accused of lying to a grand jury investigating the University of Michigan basketball scandal involving cash paid to players by big booster Ed Martin. (September 15, 2002)

• Our beloved Pacers opened their season last night with a victory over the Houston Rockets and the NBA's newly-designated media/pop culture icon god, Yao Ming, the 9'3" Chinaman. The crowd of 16,469 was about 2,000 short of a sellout. This is ominous. For it means it's only a matter of when, not if, the team demands a new fieldhouse to replace the dull, boring, out-of-date, behind-the-times (new about three years ago) Conseco Fieldhouse, which is not producing sufficient revenue streams (is that code for: rivers of money?). A team spokecritter was quoted in this morning's Star blaming the non-sellout on the current "weird times" in America. . .on terrorism, on September 11's aftermath, on the troglodytic Dubya and his troglodytic Administration, friends, unindicted co-conspirators, and family. . .on fear of war with Iraq. . .on freshly-minted Haitian Democrat voters streaming ashore at Key Biscayne. . .you know, that sort of thing. (October 31, 2002)

Struggling With Judgmentalism

• Purdue's freshman quarterback, Brandon Kirsch, somehow injured his hand over the weekend and the Indianapolis Star's account of it offers insight into how timid one journalist was about the story. Writer Michael Pointer said that Kirsch's hand was injured "when it struck a wall. . .at the Sigma Nu fraternity house. . ." The passive voice and use of the term "it" made it sound as though the hand acted independently and without Kirsch's involvement and flung itself into a wall. The Chicago Tribune's account was a bit more courageous, saying that Kirsch broke a bone in his right hand "when he accidentally struck a wall during a fight at a fraternity house." That gets it right and lets us know what we know intuitively, anyway--that it was Kirsch who directed his hand, not the hand acting with a will of its own. Perhaps the Star's guy just didn't want to be judgmental. (October 31, 2002)

Getting Out Before The Report Cards

• Facts finally got the better of University of Michigan poohbahs. Confronted by evidence made public in Big Booster Ed Martin's trial, and a follow-up October 19 call from the NCAA about it, UM announced November 7 that it was punishing itself by voluntarily--voluntarily,mind you--forfeiting four seasons' worth of basketball victories, giving back $450 grand it earned from NCAA tourney appearances, and banning its 2003 team--which won't get a tournament bid, anyway--from post-season tournament play. This followed roughly a decade of steadfast denial--lying, in other words--by University executives, by Ed himself, and by all the players unjustly alleged to have taken about $610,000 from Ed for walking-around money: Chris Webber, Robert Traylor, Louis Bullock, Maurice Taylor, and perhaps a few others. Prosecutors convicted Martin earlier this summer, and Webber, his father and aunt have been indicted and are facing trial in 2003. Michigan president Mary Sue Coleman, who was not around when the Unpleasantnesses are said to have occurred, called it a "day of great shame" in Ann Arbor. Here's hoping the NCAA isn't done, and that the prosecutors will charge a boatload of others, including all the shuffling and backfilling and lying university coaches, staff, and administrators who said over and over and over that they didn't know a darned thing like this was going on. (November 7, 2002)

• "On one side, you have a company that makes luxury automobiles, and on the other a team that hears the words "road trip" and immediately looks for the keys to the Dumpster." --Rick Morrissey, writing in the Chicago Tribune about the contrast between Cadillac, a major sponsor of Chicago Bears football, and the Bears, currently on a six-game losing streak and headed toward a disastrous season. (November 6, 2002)

Woody Was One Beautiful Guy

• Andrew Bagnato, the Chicago Tribune's college football reporter, dug up this beautiful anecdote and included it in his pre-game writeup about the big Ohio State-Michigan football rivalry: "In 1968, after the Buckeyes scored a late touchdown to take a 50-14 lead, (Ohio State Coach Woody) Hayes ordered his team to go for two points. The Buckeyes failed. Asked later to explain why he went for two, Hayes reportedly replied, "Because I couldn't go for three." (November 22, 2002)

Gittin' Lonely At The Top

• Chris Webber's dad has admitted before a grand jury that he, the dad, did indeed accept certain "gifts" from now convicted legendary University of Michigan Big Booster Ed Martin. Poor Chris now finds himself among a steadily shrinking group of liars denying any of this stuff ever happened. This is a beautiful illustration of classic nut-crunching by prosecutors, working from the bottom up, isolating first one perp, then another, putting on the squeeze, working relentlessly up the ladder, turning the screws. Life will be perfect when they indict a boxcar load of University of Michigan pooh-bahs, coaches, and former players and bring them all into the dock for what passes for justice, circa 2003. (December 5, 2002)

Most of the Time, Anyway. . .

• "Life is good. Basketball is better." --Attributed to former St. John's University basketball coach, Lou Carnesecca, in the December 8, 2002, Chicago Tribune.

• UCLA fired football coach Bob Toledo December the 9th to reward him for a 49-32 record over the last seven seasons, including a school-record 20-game winning streak in 1997-98. His team finished 7-5 this year and was 24-24 since the big win streak ended. At Indiana University, they'd build a monument for a football coach with a record like that. (December 9, 2002)

Pete Still Trolling For Forgiveness

• The national movement to forgive Pete Rose and vote him into baseball's Hall of Fame is picking up steam again. The pundits are telling us what a "forgiving nation" we are, and indeed there is ample evidence we're eager to forgive anything, Sick Willie included. But Rose violated baseball's sacred rule against gambling--not once, as George Will pointed out over the weekend, but "hundreds of times, and 52 times on his own team while he was its manager, and he's lied about it for 13 years." Nobody will ask for my vote, but it would be "No." Rose knew the rule and violated it willingly, eagerly, egregiously. Screw Pete. (December 14, 2002)

• If we're looking for something to pray for in this most holy of seasons, pray that Nolan Richardson does not prevail in his just-filed lawsuit against his former employer, the University of Arkansas, claiming racial discrimination and violation of his sacred right of free speech. This one calls for the old lemon meringue pie. (December 20, 2002)

• Indianapolis Star sports critter, Jemal Horton, noted at year-end that when Temple University basketball Coach John Chaney threatened in a 1994 post-game press conference to kill UMass Coach John Calipari, Chaney was suspended for one game. No fines, no written apologies. The suspension was imposed by the University president. (December 28, 2002)

Back to top