Splinters From the Bench

• Chicago Tribune sports writer Joe Knowles, always looking for the bright side, offered this one to the Most Recent Dennis Rodman Unpleasantness (an 11-day suspension without pay, and a $25,000 fine): Rodman's endorsement contract with the Converse Shoe Company has skyrocketed in value now that Rodman's kick to the groin of cameraman Eugene Amos has opened up an opportunity for a new product line: steel-toed high-tops. (January 18, 1997)

• Dick Vitale's sidekick on the ESPN broadcast of the Indiana-Michigan basketball game the other night opened his evening's work by noting that the game was being played in an "as always sold-out Assembly Hall." He was wrong about that. IU had not had a single sellout in the 1996-97 season to that point. No doubt he's being paid a 12-figure annual income to play loose with details. (January 24, 1997)

• Sometimes buffoonish Louisiana State basketball coach Dale Brown has it right this time. Brown has announced that LSU will not release freshman Lester Earl from his national letter of intent to play for the school. Earl was suspended in December for unspecified infractions. After a brief reinstatement, Earl quit the team and enrolled at Kansas in early January. Releases from NCAA letters of intent are traditionally granted without fuss. One rare exception occurred a few years ago during the Lawrence Funderburke Unpleasantness at Indiana University. Indiana refused to release Funderburke, who transferred to Ohio State. In such cases the student doesn't lose eligibility, but does have to sit out for a longer period. Brown offered eager reporters a truly novel rationale in defending LSU's position. "Had he finished out the season," Brown said, "we would have willingly given him his release. Somewhere in life, you must be held responsible for your actions."

• This cliche's uttered millions of times daily in the public dialogue, but you can't hear it too many times. . .from baseball's spring training camps comes word that Cleveland Indians pitcher Black Jack McDowell has that pop back in his fastball, has great location, almost has his putaway split where he wants it, and in the words of his manager, Mike Hargrove, "He feels very good about himself, and he feels good about what he's doing." It made me feel good just reading it. (March 16, 1997)

Breaking The Code

• One of the stars of Arizona's NCAA basketball championship team is Miles Simon, a 6-5 shooting guard who was academically ineligible for the first semester. Simon also excels at euphemism creation. He was quoted in the Chicago Tribune at Final Four time telling reporters that "It was just missed communication between me and the academic people." This is code for: crappy grades.

• Ebbets Field Flannels, a company in Seattle, Washington, sells jackets, caps, T-shirts and uniforms of America's fabled and forgotten minor league baseball teams. My favorites are the truly obscure teams such as the Kalamazoo Celery Pickers of the Michigan-Ontario League in 1923. And how about these: Nevada Lunatics (1903, Missouri Valley League), Toledo Glass Sox (1953, American Association), Medicine Hat Mad Hatters (1909, Western Canada League), Joliet Convicts (1891, Illinois-Iowa League), Iola Gasbags (1902, Missouri League), New Iberia Sugar Boys (1920, Louisiana State League), Aurora Hoodoos (1923, Illinois-Iowa League), Des Moines Undertakers (1903, Western Association), Tri-City Atoms (1965 Northwest League), Decatur Commies (1952, Missouri-Ohio Valley League), Wichita Aviators (1929, Western League), New Haven Black Crows (1909, Connecticut League), Saginaw Krazy Kats (1911, Southern Michigan League), Waycross Blowhards (1913, Empire State League), Toledo Mud Hens (1965, International League), Tampa Smokers (1951, Florida International League). Awesome.

• Add To The All-Time Great Sports Franchise Names List: The New Hampshire Thunder Loons of the U.S. Basketball League.

• I continue to nurse the utterly foolish hope that Indianapolis will be the first American city to find the courage and integrity to say no to blackmailing professional sports franchises. Both the Indiana Pacers and the Indianapolis Colts are on the verge of another multimillion dollar raid on the local treasury for new arenas and other concessions. Meantime, the Indianapolis public schools are bankrupt and a disaster, streets are crumbling and potholed, libraries can't afford to stay open seven days a week, Indianapolis ranks last in support of the arts in a survey of 16 cities, and there are countless projects and needs that would benefit the public more than subsidizing privately-owned sports teams and their Hessian warriors. What's going on is scandalous. Yet public outrage is barely discernible.

• The Chicago Tribune published a 24-page special section June 16 on the Bulls NBA championship. I doubt if they'd put out a 24-pager if World War III broke out. But for an NBA title, no excess is too great.

• Baseball spring training produced one profound mystery no one has even attempted to answer: Albert Belle denied Cincinnati Reds owner Marge Schott's request to be photographed with him before a game. Why would Marge want her picture taken with one of the game's top flamers? Why would Albert Belle refuse to have his picture taken with one of the game's major idiots? Don't they deserve each other? I just don't get it. This is a photo op that should have been enforced at gunpoint!

The Mask Drops But Briefly

• June must have been a big month for candor. In an article about plans for a new $175 million downtown arena for the Indiana Pacers, the Indianapolis Business Journal reported in its June 23-29 issue that city officials are concerned that if parking is too convenient it will make it "too easy for fans to get to and from the arena" without stopping "for a drink or dinner." The idea seems to be to coerce or encourage people attending arena events to spend money at other city businesses along their way. The city is said to be agonizing over the "enough parking but not too much parking" dilemma. This, friends, was a rare peek behind the curtain, and we owe the IBJ our thanks for it. (June 30, 1997)
• Paul Sullivan, writing about a Chicago White Sox baseball game in the June 18 Chicago Tribune, wrote that "A standing room-only crowd of 44,249 rocked the joint" as the Sox won. But a photograph published in the same edition showed huge numbers of empty seats. I suppose the explanation is that the picture was taken after the game was over and many peple had already left. Yes, that has to be it.

Helping The Gene Pool Just A Little Bit

• A family celebrating the victory of its favorite soccer team in a national match in Cairo so enraged its neighbors, who were fans of the losing team, that they attacked the celebrants with sticks and stones, killing one man. (From the Indianapolis Star's sports pages in July, 1997.)

Idiot Update

• Brien Taylor, the New York Yankees' prized draft pick in 1991 who seriously injured his pitching shoulder in an on-field fight soon after signing a fat Yankee contract, now pitches in Class A Greensboro (N.C.). He sported a 1-3 record with a 12.79 ERA as of mid-July. Of course, the joke's still on us. Taylor still has the money.

Dope Of The Day

• After Tony Phillips of the Anaheim Angels baseball team was arrested August 10 for cocaine possession, then refused to go on the disabled list and undergo a treatment program, his manager, Terry Collins, was quoted saying, "I told him (Phillips) just to hang in there. He's doing fine." Sorry, Terry, he's not doing fine. Nor are you, for thinking he is. The Angels promptly punished Phillips by suspending him with pay. Make that two, no three dopes.

Dopes Who Can't Shoot Straight

• The NBA regular season began earlier than scheduled Sept. 7 at a hotel ballroom in suburban Washington, D.C. There, a gala birthday party being held for Orlando Magic forward Dennis Scott erupted in gunfire and fighting. Over a thousand of Scott's closest friends bought (the league owns all birthday merchandising rights) tickets to the affair and at some point another 300 to 400 worshippers without tickets rushed the ballroom and overwhelmed about a dozen security officers. Two of the revelers were seriously wounded. Police were summoned and the party was shut down. Scott, thank our dear Lord, was unhurt. Magic General Manager John Gabriel issued a delicately worded statement that "Dennis needs to use better sense, better judgment about what he does. . .we're very disappointed about this." Scott was fined by the Magic this summer for a profanity-laced speech he gave at his youth basketball camp in Reston, Virginia, according to the Chicago Tribune. A mere error in judgment, no doubt, but it brings to mind several questions: Why can't these people shoot better? To only wound two in a room crowded with hundreds is a shameful performance. Let's hope this is not indicative of the way the Magic will be shooting once the games begin. And what's the big deal? Why the fuss? I can't recall a single party I ever attended in my salad days, neighborhood parties, birthday parties for family and friends, when everyone wasn't armed, screaming, head-butting the security people and the host and hostess, waving their weapons around and shooting indiscriminately throughout the evening. Nobody I know would think of going to a party without packing heat. What's the big deal? Why are we being so judgmental? Why can't we just leave Dennis Scott and the Magic and all the rest of them alone?
• Sept. 14 marked the first return of Oakland Raiders quarterback Jeff George to Atlanta, where he played for several years until being released last year at mid-season after a sideline diatribe with his coach. Oakland won, 36-31, and George, whose pestilential presence was lustily booed throughout the day, seized a postgame moment to take a victory lap around the Georgia Dome to taunt the fans. The Associated Press account said George waved at them, pumped his arms at them, and his words "dripped with vengeful satisfaction" in the post-game locker room as he spoke to eager reporters. Fair enough. All this proves, though, is what's been known all along: Jeff George always has been, is, and always will be, a flaming rectal orifice, supernova class, who Sunday re-established his right to jog alongside IU basketball coach Bob Knight in that sorry group's front rank. (September 14, 1997)

• HBO's "Real Sports With Bryant Gumbel" has done something really unusual: perform a genuine public service. A five-month investigation by HBO of sports gambling services revealed that much of the tout business is a scam. To illustrate, HBO matched a two-year-old girl named Rachel and a cocker spaniel named Casey against high-profile sports betting "adviser" Stu Feiner, according to Chicago Tribune columnist Michael Hirsley. The dog's choices were made by Casey eating from dishes with team names on them. All three projected winners from 50 baseball games. The dog was 26-24, the two-year old child was 28-22, and Feiner was 25-25. Bet money the child and the dog were swamped with calls after the show aired.

How About An MRI Of His Gourd?

• Muggsy Bogues of the Charlotte Hornets NBA team made the news October 4 by refusing to have an MRI on his chronically sore left knee. Bob Bass, a Hornets executive, was quoted by the wire services saying, "I asked him why he didn't want to take his MRI and he said because the other players didn't have to." Do you suppose Bogues is simply unaware that none of his teammates have sore left knees, and that's the reason the team didn't make them take MRIs? Would that explain this insipid obstreperousness? Or is Muggsy just bucking for Top 25 Flamer status? (October 4, 1997)

Backing And Filling In Ann Arbor

• The peculiar aroma hovering about the University of Michigan basketball program for the past few years finally became so unpleasant the University was forced to act. It did so by firing the coach, Steve Fisher, on October 10, less than a week before practice opens. The firing followed an investigation by an out-of-state law firm hired by the university to look into allegations of NCAA violations at Ann Arbor. The matter took an odd turn several weeks ago when the report was made public and confirmed that indeed something funny was going on up there but they couldn't be sure what because all the former players involved, as well as "booster" Ed Martin, whose name has figured prominently in this Most Recent Unpleasantness, refused to cooperate with investigators. UM officials promptly announced how pleased they were that the investigation showed no wrongdoing had occurred. Then athletic director Tom Goss fired Fisher and said it was because he felt the basketball program needed to go in a new (clean?) direction. Fisher waited a couple days to hold his own press conference. He denied breaking any rules, reacted angrily to allegations that he was at least a liar and a forger, and offered this fairly beautiful quotation: "This (referring to the allegations) cuts at the chafe to me. I'm offended by those names." Poor Steve is either unaware of his butchered syntax or the eager journalist who reported this has a tin ear. Now, by golly, let's cut to the quick, so that I don't have to chafe any more in this stainless steel underwear.
• The Arizona Sports Foundation announced November 6 that Tucson's postseason college football Copper Bowl game would be changing its name to The Insight.com Bowl. No reason was given in USA Today's brief account. Bet money it was money. (November 8, 1997)

Want To Bet?

• "Those are just ideas and there are no bad ideas." --Phoenix Suns guard Jason Kidd, commenting on a Charles Barkley suggestion that the NBA players boycott the February all-star game unless Latrell Sprewell's one-year suspension for assaulting and threatening to kill his coach is reduced. (December 11, 1997)

• "Maybe the coach deserved choking." --San Francisco mayor Willie Brown, quoted in USA Today December 9, regarding the Latrell Sprewell Unpleasantness.

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