Splinters From the Bench

• A New Year's Day, 1996 Prayer: May there be another baseball strike in 1996. May they board up the stadia nationwide and convert them to city landfills. May they add an icing of nuclear waste, cap them with reinforced concrete 30 feet thick. May the strike last forever and forever and forever, so long as any of them shall live, vomit without end, Amen.

Touching And Feeling Their Way To Hardwood Fulfillment

• "The chemistry is great. Once in a while we'll take a shot that's too quick, but I can say something and it stops right away. That means guys really feel good about themselves and each other." --Atlanta Hawks coach Lenny Wilkins after his team's 10th straight victory at the end of January, Chicago Tribune, January 29, 1996.

• The excitement of Magic Johnson's return to professional basketball was almost too much for the Associated Press to bear, but the AP did manage to cram this crucial piece of information into the second paragraph of its story on the epic event: "Wearing a uniform so new it still had wrinkles and his new "MVP" shoes that were flown in specially from Taiwan, Johnson couldn't hide his enthusiasm. . ." How many pairs of sneakers do you suppose were available in the State of California prior to Magic's Resurrection? A million? Two million? Five Million? Ten? Is Taiwan the only place Magic could find just that special pair he needed? I'm afraid this story goes in the Overreaching or Conspicuous Consumption Department Bin for 1996.

Perhaps--Just Perhaps--He's Taking This A Bit Too Seriously

• Chicago Bulls basketball hyperhero Michael Jordan was approached oncourt during warmups prior to the Bulls-Lost Angeles Lakers game in Inglewood, California, February 1 by a male fan who appeared to be in his early 20s. He went up to Jordan, who was standing near the foul line, crouched down and hugged Jordan's leg. Jordan, according to a Chicago Tribune report, slowly backed away as the man began crying. As police surrounded the fan, he shouted, "I love you, Michael," as he was led away. Jordan calmly resumed shooting baskets. (February 2, 1996)

If Not For Beautiful Bernie, This Item Might Have Been Lost Forever

• In a column about the Dallas Cowboys just before the Super Bowl, Chicago Tribune columnist Bernie Lincicome noted that Cowboys' receiver Michael Irvin once "mooned Gene Upshaw at a players-union meeting."

Good! We Have Enough Rectal Orifices Living Here Already!

• Former Chicago Bears Coach Mike Ditka told a Chicago sportscaster this week he was not interested in the vacant Indianapolis Colts coaching job, then added, "I wouldn't want to live in Indianapolis." (Fred Mitchell's "Odds & Ins" column, Chicago Tribune, February 12, 1996.)

See Ya At The Whaling Wall

• Skip Myslenski, the Chicago Tribune's college basketball writer, in an article on the IU-Purdue game in the Feb. 26 edition, wrote that for the entire game the two teams "wailed on each other like a pair of wild-eyed heavyweights. . ." It's enough to make you want to stop by the whaling wall next time you're in Jerusalem. (February 26, 1996)

True Courage In East Lansing

• Michigan State University's board of trustees dipped down there and found 12 on March 7 when it voted 6-1 to adopt a policy automatically suspending any athlete convicted of a felony. And get this--the policy applies regardless of whether the felony was committed on or off campus! Trustee Bob Weiss pushed for the policy. He was apparently in a surely-no-pun-intended mode when quoted by the Chicago Tribune saying, "I hope it's a little trigger to those that are involved--'I shouldn't do that. It could cost me. The consequences could be severe.' " The board was careful to provide exceptions for convicted felons, too. The policy won't apply to student miscreants who participate in sentencing programs that allow the conviction to be wiped off the record if certain conditions are met. Athletes can request an "exemption" from the school president and a suspended convicted felon can apply for reinstatement. There were the inevitable howls of protest. Students and faculty, apparently unaware that janitors and cleaning ladies were not invited to take part in the Manhattan Project, complained that they (the students) were not in on policy deliberations. Matt Nelson, head of the student government, griped that the policy "unfairly singles out athletes," despite evidence that felons single out themselves. Stories of guts and courage like this should be an inspiration to us all.

• NBA teams have raised ticket prices an average of 11 percent this season, about four times the rate of inflation. But politicians and pundits, who have screamed (and rightly so) at "unconscionable" increases in other economic sectors (medical care the most noteworthy), aren't attacking the NBA. How come?

• Denver Nuggets star Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf's suspension by the NBA for refusing to stand when the national anthem is played is further proof of the tyranny and oppresssion of America. Abdul-Raud was at pains to explain that his adopted Muslim religion is what prevents him from "standing (up) for nationalistic ideology." Other Muslims and religious scholars, however, came forth to disavow Abdul-Rauf's line of reasoning. They suggested the obvious: his stand is an expression of political agenda rather than religion. Abdul-Rauf swore he would not waver from his decision, promised to give up basketball and his $2 million annual salary if necessary to adhere to his religious beliefs, though it should be noted that he's never returned any of the $32,000 per game he's paid because the currency has "In God We Trust" printed on it. All this is fine. It is a great big wonderful free country and Abdul-Rauf is free to refuse to stand when the anthem is played. The Nuggets, though, are free to refuse to employ Rauf if they choose, and the NBA is free to suspend him for the rules violation. Abdul-Rauf should find a country where they sit for the national anthem and move there.

• A day or two after The Abdul-Rauf Unpleasantness, the Indianapolis Star's hysterical black columnist, Lynn Ford, fulminated about his own black rage. He'd long ago quit standing for the national anthem, he told us. He bewailed the racist, ugly America that he knew and spewed the standard mantra of victimization and oppression. He does his cause, whatever it is, no good with such ranting.

• The Abdul-Rauf Unpleasantness will spawn a new market segment, though, as various celebrities and immortality-seekers step forward to declare that they, too, have long refused to stand for the national anthem. Phil Donahue will devote a week's programming to them, bet money on it.

• Meanwhile, back at USA Today, sports columnist Bryan Burwell says the pledge of allegiance before athletic contests is an "antiquated, trivial ritual."

• The Associated Press reports that Denver Nuggests guard Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf is investigating Canada as a place to live to escape the tyranny and oppression of America. Good idea, I think. (March 19, 1996)

• A member of the Hoosiers Internet chat group recently broke out in cheers at the news of Michigan's untimely--and, better yet, stupid!--departure from the Big Dance. The writer took special glee in UM's desperate call, with three seconds left to play, for a timeout which it didn't have available to use. (This special Wolverine blunder was first made famous in the NCAA finals a few years ago by the legendary Chris Webber, and cost his team, many would say, an NCAA title.) In this latest instance, Texas sank the resulting two technical foul shots to drive home the stake. That message prompted another member to chastise those who gloated, and argue that we all ought to be rooting for our Big Ten sisters and brethren. A lovely sentiment, but I've got to side with the gloaters on this one. I'd root for the Iraqi National Team before I'd root for Michigan. . .or Kentucky, or Notre Dame, Georgetown, or UCLA (my top five "most disliked" college basketball programs,in approximately that order). Seeing Michigan take the gas in such a fashion is truly poetic justice.

• I think Illinois settled for a second-rater when it chose Florida's Lon Kruger to replace Lou Henson as basketball coach. The Chicago Tribune's resident fulminator, sports columnist Bernie Lincicome, thinks so, too. His opinion is informed, mine is not. Beautiful Bernie. There's no better writer loose in American sports journalism. Somebody will accuse Illinois of racism for not choosing its black assistant coach, Jimmie Collins, for the top spot, too.

• Heard a fella call a national sports talk show this morning to claim that if Georgetown basketball coach John Thompson were a white man nobody would be criticizing him. For my part, hurtling along West 38th Street in my deep titanium Ford Probe, I say an asshole is an asshole, whatever color. (March 23, 1996)

• Purdue has fired its women's basketball coach, Lin Dunn, and an assistant, MaChelle Joseph. Dunn coached the team to three Big Ten championships, Final Four and Elite Eight finishes, an 18-0 record over arch-rival Indiana, and had 18 players recognized as academic All Big Ten. University pooh-bahs said something about wanting to go in new directions in a process of "creative renewal." Bill Benner of the Indianapolis Star said on WNDE-AM's Sports Talk show March 25 that Purdue women's basketball "is not a very happy scene for a lot of reasons, some that I can't elaborate on." The show's host, Tim Bragg, added that "There are certain circumstances up there that not everyone's aware of." Purdue's sports information director, Jim Somethingorother, told Bragg and Benner that "it's not a firing, is was a contract not renewed. Nobody's used the word 'fired' at our end." There's something we're not being told here and it's probably not pleasant. We'll have to rely on the intrepid, ever-questing-after-truth press to dig it out for us.

• Could the parents of Notre Dame women's basketball coach Muffet McGraw have been serious when they gave her that name?

• While inflation pokes along at about 3 percent, NBA teams raised their average ticket prices by 11 percent for 1995-96. The Atlanta Hawks have the lowest average price at $23.92. The Portland Trailblazers top the list at $42.45. Team Marketing, a Chicago-based newsletter, reports the Celtics are the most expensive outing for a family of four at $247.28 (tickets, concessions, programs, and parking).

• My nomination for most overlooked coaching record in college basketball: Jim Boeheim at Syracuse University. He's compiled 14 consecutive 20-win seasons, 16 consecutive postseason tournament appearances between 1977 and 1992 (two in the NIT, 14 in the NCAA) and tourney spots in 19 of 20 years overall , a 483-161 won-lost record (.750), only one season in 20 years with fewer than 20 wins (16-13 in 1981-82).

• The latest pestilential scourge on the bodkin politic has arrived in Indianapolis: the hostile, hard-edged, confrontational, screaming-in-your-face sports talk show, Ferrall on the Bench. WNDE-AM brings us this latest obscenity in the person of Scott Ferrall five nights a week. WNDE's promotional ads feature Ferrall himself, raspy Wolfman Jack-on-speed voice at full roar, in a mock argument with a caller, the whole thing nearly unintelligible because the voices are yelling over each other. Ferrall was introduced last summer in the Bloomington Herald-Times by columnist Mike Leonard, who seemed to rather enjoy the assignment. Ferrall attended Indiana University from 1983 to 1987 and began his radio career there. He worked in Atlanta and now fulminates nightly from KNBR-AM in San Francisco. Just 29, Ferrall describes his show as a "heavy metal sports show. I go to extremes every day. I hold nothing back." According to Leonard, Ferrall "typically plays hard-edged music underneath his own commentary and callers' voices" and "toys with a number of sound effects, including the popping open of a beer and the sound of it pouring." Leonard and Ferrall both concede that fairness and accuracy sometimes take a back seat on the show. Ferrall dismisses this as no problem and repeats the familiar mantra of the Nineties, where feelings count most of all. "I don't worry about being precise," he told Leonard. "I'm a sports fan's sports fan. I got the passion. That's what matters." There are occasional critics. Ferrall admits to being attacked in public and says he is accompanied by bodyguards now. Bruce Adams, the sports radio and TV critic of the San Francisco Examiner, was quoted saying Ferrall "sucks. . .he's all style and no substance." KNBR's program director, Bob Agnew, says the station "doesn't in any way, shape, or form portray (Ferrall and other talk show hosts) as sports journalists. They're entertainers. . . this is radio entertainment." Agnew cut to the core issue for KNBR when he talked about ratings: Ferrall delivers the hard-to-get 18-34 demographic, the people Adams describes as "guys with their baseball caps on backwards. . .young guys. . .who can't get dates, obsessive sports fans. He gets a lot of kids, a lot of teenagers. . . ." This is great for KNBR's bottom line, not so great for the nation's present or future.

• The New York Jets quietly took a step toward new respectability on April Fool's Day--that has to be the explanation for this--when they signed former Indiana University football quarterback John Paci. (April 3, 1996)

• While millions and millions of us were entranced at the wondrous spectacle of the NCAA college basketball tournament, the curmudgeonly Economist of Great Britain cast a jaundiced eye and reported this little nugget: The graduation rate among the members of the Final Four--Kentucky, Mississippi State, Syracuse, and Massachusetts--was 25 percent. The magazine noted what it called "rampant hypocrisy". . .the "pretense that the players are scholars whose colleges are competing for the glory of it all." It pointed out that gamblers bet more money on the NCAA tourney than any other American sporting event except the Super Bowl, that CBS over eight years pays the NCAA $1.7 billion to broadcast the games, and that coaches of successful teams become millionaires. Everybody makes a buck, in other words, except the athletes. And when an athlete does take money or a "gift" on the sly, the authorities huff and puff and scream about corruption. The Economist feels athletes should be paid like any other workers. Gruff stuff. There goes the neighborhood.

• Putting Charles Barkley back on the 1996 Olympic team after his disgraceful conduct in the 1992 Barcelona Olympics is, in the parlance of the 90s, an error in judgment. It adds nothing to the team that couldn't be had with another player--the Americans could win if they put Bob Dole on the team instead of Barkley--and continues the bad example we set in so many areas of public conduct. Why did they have to do this?

• The NBA's extortion game has arrived in Indianapolis on its national tour. The groundwork--softening up the public with some offshore shelling--is being laid with carefully crafted stories in the local press about the need for a new arena for the Indiana Pacers. The familiar mantra is recited, but never directly by Pacers representatives. Their shills are trotted forward to tell us that Market Square Arena, brand-new 20 years ago, is hopelessly antiquated, out-of-date, inadequate, unable to generate the revenue streams (what we used to call "cash") needed to make the franchise competitive (code for: wildly profitable for ownership). The mayor dutifully appointed a commission of local power brokers, pooh-bahs, and movers and shakers to study the issue and report back. It's already been leaked that Arena renovation would cost up to $167 million (about five times what it cost new). It's obvious, from the sniffing and foot-shuffling going on, that the committee isn't encouraging this approach. Pacer ownership, mindful of the need to stay in the background and have others carry the project forward, is silent. Promoters are beginning to appear in local forums to advance the propaganda campaign. One, Ray Compton, president of the Indianapolis Ice professional hockey franchise, emphasized over and over this week on WNDE-AM radio's Sports Daily talk show that "this is not a new arena for the Indiana Pacers, it's a new arena for the City of Indianapolis." Compton and others quite naturally want to convince the rest of us this is a civic investment, one that will fill a yawning gap in the Indianapolis portfolio, enabling the city to march boldly forward into the 21st century, flags unfurled, tax abatements fairly twitching with excitement. The first crumb thrown to the rabble was the hint that the team might even be able to lower ticket prices (but only in certain special upper arena areas (code for: seats in the adjacent states of Ohio, Kentucky, and Illinois) in a new building. Opponents so far remain poorly organized. They'll be given a chance to vent their troglodytic view that perhaps there are other more important uses for local tax money, and that such projects ought to be privately financed. Then they'll be patted indulgently on the head and sent home. Even the most naive opponents must know that their cause is hopeless. There are, in fact, many other American cities desperate for pro franchises who'll be panting in line to take the Pacers from Indianapolis. As sad a commentary as this is on the condition of American civilization, it is a fact. This latest raid on the public treasury is ordained. Indianapolis taxpayers may as well grimace and bend over and let 'em hammer home the sausage one more time. Either that, or local politicians are going to have to find an unprecedented amount of courage, and just say no.

A Day Of Mourning. . .

• The state high school athletic association's board of directors voted 12-5 today to end Indiana's single class state basketball tournament and go to a four-class system. Proponents openly admit they want to give more students a chance to feel good about themselves by experiencing success in the tournament. A single state champion prevents too many youngsters from experiencing a champion's self-esteem, something all are entitled to. Ergo, class basketball. Traditionalists, of course, are appalled. They may as well get used to it. Tradition--and those who believe in it--is increasingly irrelevant. This action is merely one of thousands of efforts across this great land of ours to provide equality of results rather than equality of opportunity. It has reached the status of entitlement: the right to feel good about ourselves. It is one of the driving imperatives of American society today. It is an irresistible tide. All must bow before it. (April 29, 1996)

• Something To Bet Money On Department: Someone will soon begin lobbying for a requirement in the new Indiana high school basketball class system that the All Star Team which plays Kentucky twice annually must include representatives from each of the four divisions. Also guaranteed is a demand that the coveted Mr. Basketball title be rotated annually to each class. It is patently unfair to deny athletes from the smaller schools a chance to feel good about themselves by being declared Mr. Basketball, or their fair share proportion of all-star team slots.

• Bill Benner, sports editor of the Indianapolis Star, was wrong twice in the space of two short sentences this evening on WNDE radio's Sports Daily talk show. Benner finished a rant on the Chicago Bulls' grotesque freak show, Dennis Rodman, by saying, "This is not a freak show. This is a civilized society." What society is Benner talking about, anyway? Not ours, that's for sure. (May 7, 1996)

• I stopped on WGN-TV-Chicago the other night to watch a bit of the Yankees-White Sox game. May as well have been watching a team from Mars for all it meant to me. My beloved boys, my Yankees, were wearing skin-tight uniforms, ear rings, goatees. In the bullpen were a couple of drug addicts. On the field was (at least) one-time-cocaine-bustee Tim Raines. Same old spittin' and scratchin.' After an inning or two, I surfed on. Word came later in the week that the Yankees had spent over $1.8 million to sign a 20-year-old Japanese pitcher, Katsuhiro Maeda, who has orange-dyed hair. Why am I not surprised? I suspect they buried baseball for good for me when they buried Mickey Mantle last summer. Screw 'em. (May 11,1996)

• Major league baseball's executive committee broke from a hush-hush meeting last week to come out four-square for Mom, the flag, and apple pie, and against Cincinnati Reds owner Marge Schott. Outraged and grievously offended by the latest in Schott's seemingly endless series of embarrassing statements--one about Hitler not being a totally bad guy and another about the inconvenience of having an umpire die in her park on opening day--baseball's pooh-bahs are demanding that Schott give up day-to-day operation of the franchise or face an indefinite suspension. Bowing to outmoded notions of free speech, acting commissioner Bud Selig, owner of the Milwaukee Brewers, cloaked the indictments in high-toned indignation which based the charges on Schott's penurious spending, not her public statements. An obscure clause in baseball rules allows the lodge brothers to expel a fellow owner deemed to be not acting in the best interests of baseball. This, remember, is the same major league baseball which daily brings you convicted drug abusers, alcoholics, wife-beaters, felons, bad check artists, child molesters, idiots, assholes, and buffoons of every conceivable stripe and description in 28 ball parks around this great nation. If being insipid or an idiot is a crime against baseball, then they'd better back up the trucks. If I were Schott, I'd sue baseball for damages so great that the lodge brethren's knees would buckle when they read the dollar amount. A pox on all their houses, every one of them, owners and players alike!

• If men's beach volleyball is an Olympic sport, I'm Albert Einstein.

• If you can overlook Dennis Rodman's truly grotesque personal characteristics, he is one whale of a basketball player.

Why Don't They Call It The Mutual Of Omaha Sports Twenty Seconds?

• Don Kricke is the designated shill for Mutual of Omaha or some insurance company in a radio spot called the Mutual of Omaha Sports Minute. Only trouble is, it's not a minute. It's a commercial for insurance that lasts 40 seconds with Kricke blathering for the final 20 seconds about nothing.

• It took Charles Barkley only a few minutes to draw his and the USA's first technical foul in last night's first-round Olympic men's 96-68 basketball victory over Argentina. He became upset with a traveling call and threw a floor-length pass at the hapless official. In the locker room afterward, Charles was testy with eager reporters. "We had a close game and only won by 30 and you guys gripe about that," Barkley said. "If we would have won by 50, you'd gripe about that, too." No, Charles, I'm afraid not. What we gripe about are assholes ending up at the head of the table. Where you're sitting, Charles. Now. . .let the boorishness continue.

• Indianapolis Star sports editor Bill Benner weighed in with a typical Child of The Eighties column--full of mantra, full of sniveling--following American gymnast Kerry Strug's gritty effort to complete her final vault despite a painful ankle injury. Benner's verdict was that Strug was a victim of child abuse by her coach and parents, that it was all done for money and exploitation and greed for Olympic medals--and all against the backdrop of a sick, sick society that ought to be ashamed of itself for cheering her effort. It is a sick society--grant Benner that. But the scribe otherwise missed the whole point. The athletes train for years for these moments. There was no long-term danger to Strug's health. She is 18 years old, a world-class athlete. Pain goes with it. My guess is that all but a tiny portion of the worldwide billions watching this drama were thrilled by Strug's performance and cheered her decision to push on despite the pain. Those who don't get it should, as Benner would say, get a life. (July 27, 1996)

• I was surprised over the course of the Olympic Games at how many people I heard saying they'd like to see the U.S. men's basketball team lose.

• Those who don't believe America's Final Descent has already begun didn't attend the RCA Tennis Championships in Indianapolis in mid-August. Eternally grizzled star Andre Agassi used the F-word in disagreeing with officials who--to the astonishment of many, no doubt--declared a default and ejected the foul-mouthed Agassi. Bedlam erupted in the stands as fans booed, threw towels, tennis balls and other debris on the court and howled for refunds. A local TV commentator lamented Agassi's ejection and predicted attendance would drop. The Indianapolis Star, whose news and entertainment pages are regularly stained with the swill and sewage of popular culture, editorially backed the officials for trying to uphold high standards. But sports columnist Robin Miller's response was what's-the-big-deal about tantrums and screaming the F-word at a tennis match? Miller said that since fans had paid money to see one of tennis's best players, Agassi's behavior should have been overlooked by officials. "Professional privilege," Miller called it. RCA Tournament director Rob MacGill, frantic not to offend anyone, said he thought the crowd showed great composure by not throwing additional debris onto the court and not rioting while waiting an hour for Aggassi's appeal to be decided. "I think it's a tribute to the character of the people in this community that we didn't have any events or any incidents of any serious nature. People, I thought, were incredibly patient with the wait and I also felt they used great temperament with their response," MacGill told reporters, none of whom publicly admitted being confused by his syntax. One got the feeling that community sentiment ran heavily in Agassi's favor, and that many sophisticates felt it unfair that a bunch of fuddyduddies could deprive them of their rights.

One Small Pie For Mankind

• Former Boston Red Sox infielder Rico Petrocelli recently acted out the dream of millions and millions and millions of us, and with obvious malice aforethought to boot! Rico, himself employed as a television commentator, was a guest on a Boston talk show hosted by Chuck Adler of WABU-TV, who was criticizing present Red Sox manager Kevin Kennedy. Petrocelli chuckled and said he had something for Adler that the Red Sox manager might like to deliver himself but couldn't. Petrocelli then smeared a cream pie in Adler's face. Petrocelli was fired for his indiscretion. All hail Rico Petrocelli! (September 6, 1996)

• One-class high school basketball in Indiana has its death sentence. High school principals have voted 220-157 to support an earlier state high school athletic association board's decision to go to multiple class competition in basketball and other sports effective with the 1997-98 season. A trodlodyte campaign to save the old system proved fruitless before the tidal wave of feel-goodism and anguished concern for self-esteem that's the animating principle of 1990s American society. Just as with the acknowledgment that Slicks 'R' Us, we one-class basketball wacko Religious Right extremists must be good sports and bow to the inevitable here, too. Gather 'round, lads, and hoist one last flagon of grape! Trophies and championships for everyone, I say!

• Jeff George, ranked in the top five in the galaxywide Flaming Rectoid Index, is back in the news starring as himself. George was suspended Sept. 23 by his employer, the Atlanta Falcons professional football team, after George engaged his head coach June (No Kidding) Jones in a 10-minute profanity-laced tirade on national television after being benched in a recent game. Shortly after, the Falcons announced they would try to trade the petulant flamer. George, who usually travels alone on the Rectoid Express, called a press conference to defend himself. He blamed his Most Recent Unpleasantness on being labeled by others. "You get labeled," he told breathless reporters. "You get stereotyped. You can't fight that." He mentioned his idol, quarterback Terry Bradshaw, and said Bradshaw was labeled as not being smart, but he won four Super Bowls anyway. This was a nice try by George, but it misses the point. The point is not that Bradshaw or any other quarterback gets labeled or isn't smart. The point is that Bradshaw wasn't an asshole. George is. (September 25, 1996)

• It's beginning to look like Chicago Bears head coach Dave Wannstedt is in over his head. He was brought to Chicago four years ago with much ballyhoo from the Dallas Cowboys organization. He's been relentlessly upbeat every day since. Surliness is creeping into press and fan reaction to the Bears' continued mediocrity, though. I'd guess Wannstedt has about one more season to deliver results or things will get really ugly. (September 25, 1996)

• Roberto Alomar spits in the face of an umpire and all the league can do about it is whimper and promise to follow the appeals process spelled out in baseball's agreement with the players. Alomar was given a five-game suspension, to be served next year or the year after or whenever the appeals process is exhausted. Management's cowardice met with near-universal disgust, if polls are any measurement. A couple of ESPN broadcasters noted that when Pete Rose bumped umpire Dave Pallone a few years ago, baseball commission Bart Giammati suspended Rose for 30 days, no whimpering or sniveling about it. Baseball's pooh-bahs may not know it, but spitting in someone's face is regarded by the law as an assault, though many across this great land of ours will say it's only an error in judgment. If you were unfortunate enough to see a TV replay of the Alomar Unpleasantness, you saw this was no fine mist but a massive gob of spit that Alomar ejected. We all ought to be praying the umpires have the courage to stick to their positon. But bet money they won't. Bet more money that the Alomar Unpleasantness will be shuffled off and buried, with the attorneys for all sides in deadlock and without the justice so sorely needed. Baseball has spent millions trying to woo fans back. This episode shows us we're dealing with the same despicable bunch of scumbags and vermin who've populated the sport for living memory. A pox on all their houses.

Somehow, Colletto Must Be Stopped

• Poor Jim Colletto. Purdue University's football coach has suffered mightily trying to resurrect the Boilermaker program. Over this past summer he lost six players to academics, and another player was suspended while a rape charge played out in the courts. One player has tranferred since school began and another was recently arrested in his hometown and charged with selling heroin. The really amazing thing, though, is Colletto's reaction to it. He told the Indianapolis Star's Mark Ambrogi this week that he and his assistant coaches couldn't chaperone the 100-plus football players 24 hours a day to help them avoid errors in judgment. "I will not ask grown men, coaches to be babysitters," Colletto said. "We will advise, counsel, sometimes motivate. . .but I will not accept responsibility for people who will not get up in the morning, attend class and make an effort in school. They're receiving a college education while playing football and it's their responsibility to take advantage of it." Imagine that, holding people responsible for their own actions. Colletto won't be very popular with this approach. It may take intervention from Purdue's top brass and state and community leaders to get him to stop it.

• Early in September a local high school suspended a star football player, Raymond Jackson, after he was arrested and charged with forgery and theft. Lawrence Central High School officials obviously didn't know what they were getting into. The boy's mother got angry as a hornet and obtained a lawyer, who also has worked up a lather over the grievous injustice. They sought and obtained a court order blocking the school from enforcing its own longstanding policies and standards governing participation in athletics and extracurricular activity. Jackson has been ordered reinstated to the team. He has accepted a full football scholarship to the University of Michigan and his attorney assured the Indianapolis Star this week that the scholarship was not in jeopardy. The mother was quoted muttering about "due process" and "mistakes" the lad might have made, about being "betrayed" by the school system which persuaded her four years ago to enroll her learning-disabled-but-obviously-ready-for-the-University-of-Michigan son at Lawrence Central. "How," she demanded to know, "can you be a discredit to a school system in one season or because of one incident?" The Star's October 17 account did not reveal if anyone informed her of the obvious answer: by using stolen credit cards in local shopping malls and getting caught doing it. Young Jackson's attorney, Reginald Bishop, meanwhile is stamping his feet and screaming about his client's constitutional rights, and has accused the state high school athletic association of "piling on" requirements for Jackson's return to scholastic football competition by requiring a medical clearance and a minimum number of practices for players before they're allowed to play again. That such regulations have been in place for 40 years or more, apply to all students, and are used by high schools all over the country don't matter. It's unfair, it's unconstitutional, it makes Jackson feel not very good about himself, and it's not going to be allowed. A Lawrence Township Schools spokesman said weakly that he felt the school had acted responsibly, but the rest of this script is ordained: the lawyers will dawdle, the aggrieved gridder will play under court order, the season will end, eventually the case will be dropped so that young Jackson can get on with his life and career, and perhaps the school system will learn an important lesson about the foolhardiness of trying to have any rules or standards. A post-script: Raymond Jackson's mother was indicted in late October on some 30 charges of tax fraud, failing to report income, and failing to file federal tax returns. Perhaps attorney Bishop can provide group rate discounts.

• Baseball trivia: only two players in baseball history have played all nine positions in one game. Name them.

• Baseball trivia answers: Bert Campaneris and Cesar Tovar.

Only Someone From Notre Dame Could Utter Such Arrogant, Pious Nonsense

• One of college football's annual handwringing rituals has begun: speculation about which post-season bowl Notre Dame will attend. The picture is murky now that Notre Dame has already lost two games. An October 21 Chicago Tribune article covered the various options and quoted Irish athletic director Mike Wadsworth at unwittingly embarrassing length. Wadsworth is busy behind the scenes. Among other things he's trying to obtain a "concession" from a bowl that has already made conference committments. "The only issue I raise is this," he intoned. "Is it a good thing for college football for a successful Notre Dame team to have no significant bowl to go to?" Wadsworth confirmed that it is about money when he added, "It's not a question of money. It's a question of whether it would be the kind of game that gives the coaches and players a challenge." Only someone from Notre Dame could utter such arrogant and pious nonsense.

• The city of Indianapolis is now being blackmailed by two of its professional sports franchises. The football Colts have joined the Indiana Pacers in demanding sweetened financial concessions from the city or, so the threats go, the teams will have to consider moving. The Colts want a new lease on the Hoosier Dome with lower rent and higher "stadium income" from luxury boxes and corporate sponsorships. Colts ownership claims the team is "not financially competitive in the NFL" and that it "needs more money to keep signing star players." No mention of the ugly facts: this is a mediocre franchise by any measure and it has been since it was pirated from Baltimore 13 seasons ago. It has been infested all of that time by mediocre ownership, mediocre management, and mediocre players. When will an American city have the courage to stand up to these corporate bandits and say no? (November 8, 1996)

Albert Belle Overestimates The Human Race

• In a December 10 interview in the Chicago Tribune, Albert Belle, baseball's premiere sulker and rectal orifice and a recent free agent signee by the Chicago White Sox, attempted to address the matter of his well-earned reputation which is said to concern White Sox management and fans by telling staff writer Mike Kiley that "I've made some mistakes. But if I was a bad person, would someone want to pay me $55 million a year?" The answer is yes, Albert.

• Christian Dozois of Lake Forest, Illinois, has a pretty good idea. In a letter to the editor of the January 9 Chicago Tribune, he suggested that Notre Dame found its own football bowl game. That way Notre Dame can invite whomever it wants, control the flow of cash, decide who it plays, and make sure only "worthy opponents," to quote a recent Notre Dame press release whimper on the topic, are scheduled. Sounds boffo to me!

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