Scoundrels, Knaves, and Fools

Tracking The Enemy

• The Indianapolis Star printed a lengthy front page article by two Knight-Ridder reporters covering the 104th Congress and its first four days in session. The Star printed a two-column box labeled "Keep Track of the Contract," which included the 10 points of the Republican "Contract With America" with boxes to check to mark the progress of each item. In this fashion, we may deduce, the Star, Knight-Ridder, and other media organizations will bend over backwards to help Mr. and Mrs. Front Porch keep track of GOP burrowings out there in Wonderland, D. C. Funny thing, but when Slick Willie took office two years ago, the only one making noise to remind Americans of his promises was the sinister radical right wing radio talk show serpent, Rush Limbaugh. It's impolite, I know, to bring this up, but I can't help myself. (January 8, 1995)

Eleanor's Wonderful Moment of Candor

• ". . .to kill the king is the driving force of journalism." --Newsweek columnist Eleanor Clift, speaking on CNN's Crossfire program January 6, 1994, and referring to press critics who charge that the media have been overtly hostile to American presidents since Watergate.

• So The Newtster allegedly described Hillary Clinton as a bitch, and he's being excoriated for it. What ever happened to the idea of truth as defense? She is one, and if Newt had two he'd stand up to the press and say, "That's exactly what I said and exactly what I meant. I was not misquoted or taken out of context."

Bulletin! Newtie's Mom Will NOT Be America's Next Ambassador to The Court of St. James

• Connie Chung's been under fire for airing the "bitch" comment and her defenders have been huffing and puffing about a free press and First Amendment rights, saying she was "only doing her job." I watched the interview and I think anyone else who did would conclude that Newt's mother won't be winning any sophistication contests any time soon. This was Trailer Park Woman Revisited, and the clever Chung (who, coincidentally, pulled a similar stunt with Coach Knight a few years ago, airing to a grateful nation his unseemly remark about rape) had to know it. Her "just whisper it to me" assurance, leaning across the table from this poor halfwit, was just a bit too much a con for most of us, I'd wager. Still, the problem isn't Connie Chung. She was only asking the questions, acting out her destiny. The problem is Newt's dumber-than-a-box-of-rocks mom, who answered.

• Betcha five bucks if Connie Chung had interviewed Slick Hillie and asked her what Slick had said about Newt, the answer would be every bit as salty. But Slick Hillie wouldn't be fool enough to answer it.

Re-Inventing Slick. . .

• The January 9, 1995, Newsweek featured, under the inevitable "First 100 Days" banner, several think pieces about angst among the Clintonistas still trying to figure out what went wrong last November 8. Staff writers Bill Cohn and Bill Turque detailed efforts to "re-invent" Slick Willie into something palatable to a majority of Americans. First came a marathon series of "wall-to-wall, floor-to-ceiling" meetings in which Slick's aides and handlers assessed the post-election wreckage. Domestic policy aide Bill Galston's analysis seemed to carry the day. He reasoned that the American voter was driven by deep anxiety over the economy, anger over lack of reform in areas such as campaign finance, and concern over social issues such as crime. There was applause all around and this treatise landed on Slick's desk. Then Slick sought the advice of friends and advisers. Governor Roy Rohmer of Colorado urged him to ease environmental regulations. Vermont Governor Howard Dean recommended a modest health care reform plan focusing on universal coverage for minors. Slick Hillie counseled that it would be helpful if Slick demonstrated (I note the distinction here between "demonstrating" values and actually having them) a set of non-negotiable core values, and urged him to fulfill his campaign pledge of middle-class tax relief. Of course there were tensions. White House chief of staff Leon Panetta wanted to work with Republicans when possible. Aides Rahm Emmanuel and Paul Begala urged Slick to return to "economic populism" and portray the Republicans as "mean-spirited and caring only for the rich." Veep Al Gore cautioned against divisive rhetoric and recommended a dramatic downsizing of the federal government. Leftist Labor Secretary Robert Reich wanted an end to tax breaks for business--"corporate welfare," he shrilled. Deputy chief of staff Harold Ickes "made sure that Clinton heard from traditional Democratic constituencies," though Newsweek did not identify them. Slick himself huddled with the congressional Black Caucus and the American Federation of Teachers. Slick met with the centrist Democratic Leadership Council and, rumor had it, got an earful there. And obsessively on and on it went. Newsweek concluded that Slick still believes his problems are due to failures of communication, not to his positions, programs, personal behavior, or policies. He is said to be bitter because he hasn't received credit for the wonderful things he's done. He blames his poll-takers and media consultants for their inability to devise an effective strategy to sell his health care plan. In a presidential interview accompanying the Cohn-Turque piece, Slick compared himself to Harry Truman, and said "I know who I am; I know what I believe." He dismissed "the Whitewater thing" and the assorted hints and allegations about his lack of morals and character and his personal behavior as "rhetoric and hate-filled stuff" lacking in credibility or evidence (evidently he doesn't read The American Spectator and numerous other books and magazines which have detailed the sordid mess he so airily waves away). Slick was photographed in the White House for the interview wearing a blazer, slacks, and a pair of serpent skin or alligator hide cowboy boots. The overall and overwhelming impression one gets is of a President governing by mood ring, of a leader and entourage who still don't have a clue about where they went wrong. Slick loves polls. I'll bet if he went into the countryside and talked to normal people--not the cabal of Beltway and Arkansas kooks who surround him--he'd hear that most Americans would be impressed and thrilled to see Slick Willie do something because he believed in it, instead of because his friends and handlers and polls advised him to. This hollowness at the core, this lack of non-negotiable beliefs, is what deeply troubles Americans. Slick portrayed himself for Newsweek as just an ordinary middle-class guy who cares about middle-class people. But for a man whose own high intelligence is documented, and who's surrounded by some of the nation's brightest, cleverest, and most cunning minds, he shows a stupefying inability to see and understand what's plain as day to everyday, ordinary people. (January 12, 1995)

Missing The Grandeur For The Trees

• Former White House Press Secretary Dee Dee Myers spun out one end of the revolving door toward a lucrative public speaking career this month following two humiliating years in service to the failed Slick Willie Administration. In the door bounded her replacement, Michael McCurry, who's already demonstrated he doesn't get it, either. Chicago Tribune writer William Neikirk quotes McCurry January 20 explaining why the administration hasn't gotten the credit it deserves for its many accomplishments: "We've had so many exciting things to talk about in the first two years that sometimes you maybe get lost in the forest when you're trying to talk about all the individual trees." (January 20, 1995)

Another Reason to Go On Living

• Richard "Digger" Phelps, former Notre Dame basketball coach, has announced he wants to run for President in the year 2004.

• "When Bill Clinton is willing to take a stand on something, you know it's safe." --Unidentified House Democratic aide, commenting on the debate over the assault weapons ban, which Clinton has vowed to preserve, Chicago Tribune, January 27, 1995.

• Dan Quayle's surprise announcement that he'll not run for President in 1996 is good news for all of us. Give him credit for correctly pointing out, while Bush's Vice-President, that morals and morality were a vital societal issue for most Americans. He'll remain an important and outspoken political commentator, where he'll be more valuable to the Republicans than as a presidential candidate needlessly mucking up the field. Few outside his family will believe the reasons he gave for dropping out--that he didn't want to put his family through another campaign, or to go begging for campaign money--but who cares? He's saved himself and his family a lot of humiliation and pain with this decision. I'd enjoy seeing him run for governor of Indiana some day. (February 9, 1995)

• Washington Post columnist George Will neatly summarized what the rest of us are up against when he recounted a January television dialogue involving the President's chief of staff, Leon Panetta, and a questioner, as follows: Panetta was asked if he understood how annoying the Smithsonian Institution's recent antics (involving its proposed Enola Gay exhibit and accompanying "script") were to many Americans. Panetta replied: We are in a "transition period" and people are "angry about a lot of things"--government, their security, their children's future--and we need "tough decisions" and not "simplified answers." Panetta's questioner tried again, asking if Panetta could sympathize with people who ask, "Can't the government in Washington even display artifacts without attacking the country?" Panetta replied that "there are legitimate views on all sides of difficult issues like that."

Inflation Hits 700 Percent In Foster Abortions Count

• The burlesque continues with Slick's nominees for high government office. No sooner does one buffoon exit stage left than another enters stage right. The latest nomination to turn comedic is that of Surgeon General nominee Dr. Henry Foster. Initial reports indicated Dr. Foster had performed only one abortion in his career. That soon changed to "fewer than a dozen." Within a week Foster himself changed the number to 39. Then some pro-life troublemaker got in the archives and dug out a transcript of a 1978 speech Dr. Foster made at a Department of Health, Education, and Welfare advisory board meeting, in which he was quoted saying he'd been involved in "a lot of amniocentesis and therapeutic abortions, probably near 700." The White House trotted out press secretary Michael McCurry to deny that Dr. Foster attended the meeting and suggest that the transcript itself was a fraud. When that didn't fly, the White House acknowledged the transcript was genuine. A Clintonista told the Washington Post that the staff thought Dr. Foster "had a perfect profile" and was "the perfect person" for the position. Given the extremely politicized nature of the surgeon general appointment, the virtual assurance that abortion and other matters would become litmus tests for the nominee, and the controversies generated by its last inhabitant, Slick's longtime Arkansas friend and Condom Queen, Dr. Joycelyn Elders, it's nearly incomprehensible that the White House would botch another nomination over the same credibility and competence issues that have dogged this administration from its beginning. Even Congressional Democrats are dismayed. The White House staff publicly apologized Feb. 8. "There's no one on the staff who would say that we served the president and the nominee as best we could," said McCurry. "We should have done a better job." Regardless of one's politics or position on abortion, the Foster nomination is another in a long line of botched stunts seriously damaging to presidential credibility. It isn't yet clear whether these choices are Slick's personal ones or those advanced by his wife or staff or handlers. If the latter, he's been poorly served by those entrusted with these responsibilities. If they're Slick's personal, fully informed choices, then they only confirm the beliefs of his bitterest critics. Either way, they're a national embarrassment.

• Liberals will screech in outrage that abortion is being used as a litmus test for its nominees, too. But they weren't yelling in the 1980s when liberals made litmus tests the centerpiece of their attack on conservative Supreme Court nominee Judge Robert Bork. No, that was different.

Cut, Cut, Cut, Cut, Cut, Cut--Deaf Left Bordering on Hysteria

• Mississippi Senator Trent Lott, in a February 10 radio interview, recounted a revealing anecdote about his recent appearance on Face the Nation. The subject was the Republican push for spending cuts and a balanced budget amendment. Lott said the journalists on the show repeatedly asked him what the Republicans were going to cut and how they were going to cut spending, even though Lott had already said--and repeated--that the Republican plan would produce a balanced budget by 2002 merely by limiting budget growth to three percent per year between now and then. It was as if the press people were deaf to what he was saying, Lott said, because they kept coming back to the word "cut." He was polite in describing it that way. What is going on is the slipstream media's decades-old framing of the public dialogue in liberal leftist terminology. The slipstream media and liberals will doggedly use the term "cuts" in these discussions no matter what the realities, because "cuts" is a loaded term guaranteed to arouse and anger the vast liberal constituency suckling at the public teat. Lott's experience reminds me of the hilarious, degrading spectacle provided us late last year by Crossfire co-host Michael Kinsley, who hysterically spat the word "cuts" in a conversation with the show's conservative guests. My guess is that liberal hysteria and desperation can be directly correlated to the number of times you hear the word "cuts" used over the coming months. (February 11, 1995)

Will Press Notice The Shell Game?

• Slick said today that he's going to fight to retain the 100,000 new police officers his 1994 crime bill provided. Sorry, bullstuff. The bill authorized 100,000 police officers but provided funding for only 20,000. Will anyone in the slipstream media point out Slick's clever dissembling? (February 11, 1995)

• "I don't think (the Republicans) can reorganize this country any more than Gorbachev can reorganize his. There are too many vested interests, the whole structure is based on fiscal and moral corruption. We are seeing why democracies die." --Tom Fleming, editor of Chronicles magazine, quoted in Wes Pruden's column in the March 6-12 Washington Times.

Yeah, But They're Our Tongue-Slippers

• When Republican Congressman Dick Armey referred to Rep. Barney Frank, an avowed homosexual, as "Barney Fag" and claimed it was a slip of the tongue, liberals howled in rage. Recently Dr. Henry W. Foster, Jr., the Clinton administration's surgeon general nominee, publicly stated that "white right-wing extremists" were trying to thwart his nomination to advance their own "radical agenda." That brought a quick statement from White House spokesman Michael McCurry, who said it was a slip of the tongue by Dr. Foster, that he meant to say "right-wing extremists. I think it's pretty clear he misspoke. It was a slip of the tongue." Oh, O.K. Jesse Jackson and two Congressional Black Caucus members have also gone public with charges of racism in the debate over Dr. Foster's nomination. Funny, I don't hear any bleeders protesting this time.

• Lawyers for indicted co-conspirator and former Illinois Congressman Dan Rostenkowski advanced novel arguments in their quest to have all 17 federal corruption charges dismissed by a Wonderland, D.C., U.S. Court of Appeals panel. Rosty's Chicago attorney, Dan Webb, offered the hallucinatory view that House of Representatives ethics rules cannot be the basis of a criminal prosecution because they fail to distinguish clearly between official and personal use of House (read: taxpayer) funds. "I don't know the difference today," Webb disingenuously told the court. Chief Judge Harry Edwards put a chill in the air when he replied that, "You seem to be arguing that a congressman can do whatever he wants with the money because the standards they impose on themselves are incomprehensible." The trial judge, federal judge Norma Holloway, earlier denied Rosty's motion to dismiss all charges. The Chicago Tribune reports that Rostenkowski's basic defense is that the Constitution bars the other two branches of government--prosecutors from the executive and judges from the judiciary--from meddling in the internal affairs of Congress. The same day's Chicago Tribune carried a short story noting that Rostenkowski's fellow scumbag from the sovereign state of Illinois, also-indicted Congressman Mel Reynolds (he on charges of sexual misconduct and obstruction of justice), faces a May 5 trial date. Stay tuned. (March 18, 1995)

By Golly, He IS Going to Run for President!

• Former Notre Dame basketball coach Richard "Digger" Phelps appeared on ESPN Sports March 16 in either multicolored hair or toupee. The hair on the top and center of The Digster's gourd was reddish-brown, the rest grey-black. Or could it have been just an optical delusion, the subtle play of studio lights? Best keep watch on this evolving story.

The Iceman, He Jus' Keep Comin'. . .

• Angie Cannon, writing for the Knight-Ridder Newspapers wire service in the March 19 Indianapolis Star, doubtless believed she'd harpooned a bit of Republican hypocrisy in covering the House debate on cutting spending for "the poor, children, and the elderly." Do we know where this story's going as soon as we read those words? You bet we do. Cannon pointed out that while the House debated slashing spending on these worthy causes, the federal iceman continues to deliver 900 buckets of ice each day to our legislators at a cost of $500,000 per year. Rep. Jim Nussie of Iowa assured Cannon that he was investigating and that what Cannon described as the "great icecapade" would be ended. Lawmakers were working on it, he told Cannon, but it might take several more months, because it's a complicated procedure, trying to do away with operations controlled by both the House and the Senate. One Democratic aide, who confessed to enjoying four glasses of ice water a day, said he was "surprised the Republicans didn't end it (the ice delivery) right away. When I first got here, I was surprised at how the ice just showed up every morning. Now, I sort of like it--just to get that five degrees cooler. It's nice on those summer days when your Pepsi is warm." Will the dastardly Republicans, so bloodthirsty to punish the poor, the maimed, the halt, the lame, the helpless, the disadvantaged, the elderly, and the nation's children, be willing to cut off their own free ice perk?

Yeah, But They're Our Suitcases Full Of Cash

• House Democratic Whip David Bonior has been one of the lead attack dogs in the Democrats' relentless assault on Newt Gingrich this winter and spring, a campaign kicked off late in 1994 when Bonior lashed out at Gingrich's $4.5 million book deal with HarperCollins, saying it was a clear conflict of interest and implying worse. Media baron Rupert Murdoch owns HarperCollins, whose televison properties have an interest in pending federal legislation. Bonior was quoted by an alert reporter saying he "wouldn't accept a royalty from someone who obviously has an interest to gain in very important legislation before this Congress." Great so far, until The American Spectator dug around in Federal Election Commission records and found that Bonior accepted $934,613 from political action committees in 1992 (the 1994 records aren't yet available), much of it from companies with direct interest in legislation Bonior would be voting on. Imagine that. Bonior ranked fourth highest in the House of Representatives in PAC money receipts in 1992, trailing only fellow Democrats Richard Gephardt (Missouri), Vic Fazio (California), and the legendary Dan Rostenkowski (Illinois). Gingrich was the only Republican among the PAC Top 20, and he collected $280,901 less than Bonior. Tucked away in Bonior's PAC gift list was $500 from FOXPAC, owned by Rupert Murdoch. I didn't see or hear of the big networks or the slipstream media rooting out this story and exposing it for the American people in the interest of truth and justice. I suppose they thought nobody would be interested. (April 3, 1995)

Yeah, But They're Our Hooligans And Howlers

• Have you noticed how screeching leftist thugs and howlers are now breaking up meetings where conservatives are appearing? Hooligans disrupted a Wonderland, D.C., meeting in March where Newtie Gingrich was scheduled to speak, and on March 20 protesters brawled and charged the stage at a Pat Buchanan speech in Manchester, New Hampshire, where Buchanan was formally announcing his presidential candidacy. Have you heard any lefties criticizing these tactics, standing up for freedom? I haven't. (April 3, 1995)

Judy Spins Merrily Along. . .

• Judy Woodruff hosted CNN Presents: "The Revolution on the Hill" April 16 and repeatedly told us the GOP has "promised America to pass" legislation in its Contract with America. It's astounding that Judy and so many others insist on being in error on this matter. The Republicans promised to vote on these issues. There was never a promise--nor could there be--to pass anything, only to vote on them. Why does this simple truth escape so many liberals and media people? (April 16, 1995)

Both Sides Hate Term Limits

• What was obvious from CNN's "Revolution on the Hill" program was that term limits is an issue all politicians and elected officials are desperate to sabotage--Republicans and Democrats alike.

• It will be amusing to watch Senator Bob Dole slide rightward over the coming months as 1996 election maneuvering begins in earnest. Dole launched his candidacy for the Republican presidential nomination in mid-April with a short tour of the heartland. At stops in Des Moines and Columbus, Ohio, Dole accused the entertainment industry of poisoning the minds of America's youth while government assaults the values taught in our churches and synagogues. The Washington Times quoted Dole saying, "Every parent knows the way the popular culture ridicules family values. Our music, movies, and advertising regularly push the limits of decency, bombarding our children with destructive messages of casual violence and even more casual sex." Dole is dead right about these matters. Trouble is, he's about 20 years late taking a stand. Dole is anything but a conservative. He's been around as a Washington insider for decades; he's consistently supported tax increases, made a career as a go-along-to-get-along moderate. Any drift or lurch to the right for Dole tells us only that this is a man who can smell trends and read polls, not necessarily a man who passionately believes in conservative causes or issues.

• We'll hear endlessly from our elected officials about how difficult it is to balance the federal budget and stop deficit spending. Yet the conservative Heritage Foundation and other groups have already offered plans to accomplish this with only modest inconvenience. The Heritage Foundation plan claims the federal budget can be balanced by the year 2002 with a series of tax cuts, restructuring of government, and holding spending growth to 2 percent annually. Another plan, cited by Tony Snow in USA Today April 17, holds spending increases to 3 percent--the rate of inflation assumed by the Congressional Budget Office (CBO) over the next seven years--and produces a balanced budget by 2002. Other similar plans are under discussion. Snow writes that the key point Americans need to understand is that "politicians don't have to slash anything to balance the budget"--they merely must limit the government to 3 percent annual increases in spending (Slick Willie's budget proposes spending increases in the 4.5 percent range). Snow adds that if Congress would cut expected spending by $50 billion next year, it would put the nation on a balanced budget path that included 5.2 percent growth in entitlement spending--the rate at which Social Security is supposed to expand between now and 2002. In sum, this roaring national debate isn't about whether the government can balance its budget. It's about politics and power and the rising liberal hysteria that an entire way of life will come to an end when conservatives get control of the government teat at which much of the nation suckles. (April 17, 1995)

Just A Hunch

• If Bob Dole is the Republican candidate for president, Slick Willie's re-lection is guaranteed. (April 23, 1995)

• A correspondent, Dr. Walter D. Trepling III, Yummy Camp Fellow in East Asian Studies at a midwestern private institution, believes the abortion issue is the single greatest threat to the Republican Party's 1996 election chances. He sees the party hooked on the prongs of a petard: the conservative Christian wing of the party seems adamant about insisting the party take a strong pro-life, anti-abortion stand and threatens to rebel or support a third party candidate who will, yet the pro-life issue cannot win in a general election. The GOP, though, can't win a general election if it alienates such a sizable and influential body of voters. So, danged if they do and danged if they don't, Trepling reasons. How or whether Republican moderates can finesse this volatile issue will determine success or failure in 1996.

• Conservatives seem increasingly cheered at the prospect of Senator Bob Dole as the Republican nominee for President against Slick Willie in 1996. They relish the chance to juxtapose Dole, wounded and twice decorated for heroism for his World War II service as part of an elite Alpine ski patrol unit, and Clinton, whose draft evasion and subsequent lying about it are matters of public record. The contrast will be stark, but I see no significant benefit for Dole in such a comparison. We've been over this ground before. Clinton's draft-dodging--indeed much of the sorry, sordid, disreputable catalog of his life--were widely known to the American people in the 1992 campaign, and they elected Clinton President anyway with a rock-solid 43 percent of the vote. Evidence suggests Clinton's 43 percent are still there, a granite foundation, unshakable in their allegiance, impervious to any and all disclosures about their leader. Slick only has to fool an additional eight percent of the voters to win re-election in a two-person race, a task for which he is supremely talented and capable. If a three-party race ensues, Slick is home free. The possibility of a three-way race is the Republicans' unspoken nightmare.

• Slick himself lashed out at hate groups following the bombing of the federal building in Oklahoma City and the unintended irony of it escaped all but the troublemaking few. Human Events, a national conservative weekly newspaper, noted that Slick told the nation that "We must stand up against. . . people who say, 'I love my country but I hate my government.' " It then printed an excerpt from the now famous letter a tortured young Slick Willie wrote to Arkansas ROTC Col. Eugene Holmes back in Slick's draft-dodging days in 1969, in which Slick justified reneging on his agreement to join the University of Arkansas ROTC Program: "I am writing. . in the hope that my telling this one story will help you understand more clearly how so many fine young people have come to find themselves still loving their country but loathing the military. . ." I know, I know. We're not supposed to notice.

Yeah, But They're Our Terrorist Bombers

• Liberals have had a field day in the days following the Oklahoma City bombing, whaling away at right-wing kooks, fanatics, the religious right, blood-crazed militia members, fascists, gun nuts, wacko conservative talk show hosts, those sorts of people, trying to convince Mr. and Mrs. Front Porch that this is what you get when you vote Republican. There've been a few rebuttals, though. Conservative (of course) columnist Cal Thomas points out the irony of Slick Willie suggesting conservative talk show hosts were partly responsible for the bombing because their criticism of big government incited others to violence, and how interesting that concept was, considering that liberals stoutly deny this causal relationship when confronted with charges that gratuitious sex, violence, profanity and human degradation paraded before the public in films and on television cause some people to copy the behavior they see lionized there. Thomas notes, too, the liberals' silence when Newt Gingrich is called a "trickle-down terrorist," when religious left columnist Carl (Hand Guns Should Be Outlawed Unless Someone's Breaking into My House) Rowan rails that Dole and Gingrich are creating "a climate of violence in America," when liberal critic John Leonard of the New York Times compares the new Republican-controlled Congress to the Khmer Rouge, when the Times's Bob Herbert writes of "a Republican jihad against the poor, the young, and the helpless." That kind of "hate talk" is all right; it's the other hateful speech that must be silenced.

• Liberals who now stridently blame conservatives for the Oklahoma City bombing weren't around during the 1960s and 1970s when wacko leftist liberals like The Weathermen were exploding bombs around the country to express their opinions. That was different, and I think we all know it.

• And it was different, too, when Slick and his fellow travelers went to London, Moscow, Paris, and other world capitals to incite anti-American-government feelings during the 1960s and 1970s Vietnam War protests. That was entirely different.

• Bottom line is, government is not your friend. It should everywhere and always be regarded with skepticism and kept tightly under leash. Its instincts, because it is a human institution, are predatory, and dangerous to individual freedom. Its gene-drive is to expand and control. Necessary, but never to be trusted to act benignly. Simple as that.

May's Second-Best News Now That We Won't Have Chevy Caprices to Kick Around Anymore

• The U.S. Senate's 96-3 vote on May 17 to reopen hearings on The Whitewater Unpleasantness. The three no votes came from Democrats Paul Simon of Illinois, John Glenn of Ohio, and Jeff Bingaman of New Mexico. Edward M. Kennedy, the Senator from Jabba The Hutt, did not vote. (May 17, 1995)

• May's Third-Best News: The announcement that a special prosecutor will be investigating certain activities of Commerce Secretary Ron Brown, whose performance as been hailed as "unparalleled" by Slick. Brown thus joins (former) Agriculture Secretary Mike Espy, current Housing and Urban Development Secretary Henry Cisneros, former Associate AttorneyGeneral Webster Hubbell and assorted other Clintonistas under the microscope of investigation or possible indictment. . .all this and (bet money on it) more from the failed Clinton Administration Slick and Al promised us would have the highest ethical standards of any administration in American history.

Term Limits Foes Ecstatic

• USA Today was thrilled at this week's 5-4 Supreme Court decision striking down term limits laws passed by 23 states. Its editorial cheered the verdict, ridiculed the entire term limits notion, asked readers to come to their senses, asked Mr. and Mrs. Front Porch if they really thought "limiting your power to choose your representative (would) give you more influence?" Term limits, said USA Today, are a "parlor trick" promising "the impossible: a simple, no-brains solution to the nation's complex problems." It said pursuing term limits in any form was wasting "time, talent, and money on a nag (term limits) that doesn't deserve to be on the track. The nation has thrived for two centuries by placing its trust in voters, not in term limits. There's no reason to start distrusting democracy now." I suggest USA Today misses the point. I don't believe term limits has ever masqueraded as a solution to "the nation's complex problems." Term limits is an acknowledgement of the obvious: that the system has been captured and corrupted by entrenched elite careerists, rigged by incumbents to overwhelmingly favor incumbents, and is increasingly out of the reach of ordinary citizens. Term limits isn't kidding us by claiming it will solve our problems. Term limits is damage control. Term limits is an effort to limit the amount of depradation elected officials can inflict. Term limits is an acknowledgement that men and women are fallible and worse: that the trough's allure is so compelling as to be irresistible to all but the demented few; that, inevitably, power and privilege corrupt. Term limits merely seeks to make the spoils available to more citizens instead of fewer, to pass around the goodies, the fat pensions and perks, by forcing a rotation of seats at the public trough. USA Today's scolding us for "not placing (our) trust in voters" and for "distrusting democracy" is eerily reminiscent of the late Jim Jones's Grape Kool-Aid Crowd who write angry letters to Indiana news media in defense of their one true god, Coach, attacking anyone who dares to criticize his behavior.

• Silliest Thing I Heard This Week Department: After the Supreme Court's 5-4 verdict declaring it unconstitutional for states to set term limits for members of the U.S. Congress, Democratic Representative Pat Schroeder of Colorado was quoted saying, "I am delighted that we do have a Supreme Court that doesn't get involved in the politics of the day." Schroeder overlooks several hundred years of American history here, in which politics have practically defined the Supreme Court. Partisans on all sides of the great issues have invested fortunes in time and money to support or block Court nominees and to influence its decisions. The Court itself has become increasingly political in the five-plus decades since the Roosevelt years, reflecting the judicial activism so favored by liberals and increasingly mirroring a contentious, partisan society.

Cruel, Cold, Heartless. . .

• Here are some statistics compiled for the Republican Party's 111-page budget briefing and strategy book: in 1950 federal taxes took five percent of the median household's income. By 1970 it had risen to 16 percent, and by 1990 it was 24 percent. A hypothetical infant, born in 1959--let's call him Clevie--will pay $75,851 in interest on the federal debt over a 75-year lifetime; Frigga, born in 1974, will pay $115,724; little Drogo, born in 1995, will pay $187,150. By 1997, just after Slick Willie wins re-election, the federal government will pay more for interest on the national debt ($270 billion annually) than it will spend on national defense ($257 billion). The dilemma is this: any cuts we make in spending will be taking food from the mouths of starving children and will cruelly punish the homeless, the poor, the disadvantaged, the sick, the differently preferenced, and the countless other victims of unbridled capitalistic greed and exploitation. Yet some of the youngsters who will inherit the national debt burden are the children of liberals and religious lefties. What to do? What to do? The only solution I can see is to raise taxes on the greedy rich.

Simpson Briefly Drops The Mask

• ABC's Carole Simpson, who shamelessly attempted to steer one of the nationally televised 1992 presidential debates she "moderated" to fit her personal agenda, recently blurted out what we rarely get to hear her ilk admit: that the purpose of "news analysis" segments on television is often less to report the news than to steer it. The conservative weekly, Human Events, reports in its May 26 issue that Simpson, appearing recently on CNBC's Equal Time,said, "We do take a position. I think people really want you to help direct their thinking on some issues." (May 26, 1995)

• What's the difference between rap singers telling us how to ambush and kill police, urging us to go out and kill a few whiteys, or glorifying raping their women, and Gordon Liddy telling us how to shoot to kill if a federal agent is breaking into our house illegally? Answer: liberals disapprove of Liddy and would give anything to have him silenced. (May 27, 1995)

Ira, Patsy A Few Million Short

• White House lackeys told Congress back in 1993 that the White House task force and working group putting together the failed Clinton Administration's health care reform plan would cost taxpayers about $100,000 (Ira Magaziner), later upped that to $325,000 (Patsy Thomasson). You hoped that eventually somebody would add it all up, and now the General Accounting Office has. The cost to taxpayers: $9.6 million, over 29 times the original estimate. (June 10, 1995)

Slick's 'In That Groove Now'

• Word leaks beyond the D.C. Beltway that Slick Hillie has taken over the management of her husband's image and 1996 presidential campaign. She and White House Chief of Staff Leon Panetta have made subtle changes which have already made Slick "look more presidential," in the words of an aide who preferred anonymity. Image management changes already implemented include: 1) Slick no longer wears jogging shorts; he now wears full-length jogging pants, 2) He no longer wears loafers in more formal appearances, choosing shoes with laces, instead, 3) He has been instructed to prefer single-color suits now, 4) He has been instructed to stand erect at all public appearances and to jut out his jaw, 5) When the national anthem is played, Slick has been coached to slowly raise his right hand in an exaggerated fashion and place it firmly over his heart, 6) He has been told to stop waving excitedly at crowds or pass military guards without a stiff salute, and 7) he has been mentored to quit trying to keep in step with his escort when reviewing troops--now he sets the pace. A family friend confided adoringly to the Washington Times in May that, "He's in that groove now. You can just see it by his actions and his movements. He's in a presidential groove. It's because of her." This effort to transform Slick from a soft, gooey, coarse, corpulent, Rabelaisian, No-Rules-Just-Do-It Flower Child into a "presidential" figure is comically revealing. It tells us that what we have in the White House is a group of connivers and manipulators who, on their best days, can only rise to playing at being "presidential."

• The juxtaposition was instructive: there, in a June 13 White House ceremony, was an Air Force captain shot down over Bosnia in early June and rescued unharmed six days later, an American willingly risking his life and personal comfort in military service; beside him stood Slick Willie, draft-dodger, antiwar protest organizer, President. No amount of image-manipulation by Slick or his handlers can paper over the spectacle of such occasions.

• London bookmakers are laying 2-1 odds that Slick Willie will be re-elected in 1996. Dole's early line is 4-1. I know nothing about odds but my gut tells me Slick will be re-elected. (July 5, 1995)

• When will America's courageous news media begin investigating and reporting on Mena, the small Arkansas airport that would be the Slicks' crowning scandal if only the press would get interested? I'm not holding my breath. I think they'll keep it buried. Too dangerous.

Passing On Breakfast With A Clintonista

• It's insidious (but no surprise) how the bleeders have misrepresented and demonized militia groups in the wake of the Oklahoma City blast. I'll tell you this: I'd far rather sit down to breakfast in my home with a militia member picked at random off the street than with Slick Willie or any of his scurrilous, vile band of Clintonistas.

• Pat Buchanan was exactly right when he told us at the 1992 Republican National Convention that there was a cultural war going on in our country. Watching television, reading newspapers, looking at pop culture, indeed a simple stroll through a shopping mall or down any American street provides overwhelming evidence of that.

Where's The Lemon Meringue Pie When You Need One?

• Newtie was on MTV last week pandering to the youth vote and a young person, apparently deeply alarmed by Republican plans to cut back on federal giveaways to balance the budget, asked him why she had to pay interest on her (government-subsidized) student loan. There was no word on Gingrich's reply.

Stay Right There, Newtie

• Columnist Robert Novak gave voice in a July column to growing Republican fears that Kansas Senator Bob Dole, who is believed to have the GOP presidential nomination locked up, cannot defeat Slick Willie in 1996. Novak anonymously quoted two Republican big cheeses, a former Reagan cabinet member and a current Midwestern governor--both afraid to have their names used, of course--who believe the GOP's in trouble if Dole's the nominee. Both think Newtie's the only chance they have. Novak noted that despite Dole's so far flawless campaign for the nomination, he consistently trails Clinton when they're put head to head in surveys. The overriding problem, as viewed in GOP inner circles, is said to be a three-letter word: age. Dole is nearing his 72nd birthday. I don't think it's age, necessarily. I think it's Dole himself: his personality and his entire political career as a go-along-to-get-along Washington insider, his long history of supporting tax increases and his moderate-to-liberal record on issues that currently inflame the conservative movement. Quite apart from whether Gingrich could win the nomination and defeat Clinton, I'd favor Newtie staying where he is, as House Speaker. He can be far more effective there than as President. The key for either party--and for the rest of us as citizen plunder and victims--is not which party's guy is elected President--the office is increasingly fluff and irrelevant. The key is control, with veto-proof majorities, of the House and Senate. Congress controls the treasury, enacts the laws, and ultimately has the most potential to inflict good or evil upon us. Given a choice of one or the other, I'd gladly sacrifice the presidency for control of the Congress.

• One of those big machine-processed envelopes with a headline blaring "Mandate from America" arrived in today's mail from another political front organization whose real purpose is to raise cash from the rabble. This one posed as a survey from the National Republican Senatorial Commitee, and sought my personal opinion on all the day's key issues: school prayer, health care reform, crime, affirmative action, taxes, federal spending, campaign finance reform, welfare reform, the environment. But, gee, there was no mention of the single most crucial issue facing the nation: term limits. Using a Sharpie marking pen, I then flooded all the form's margins and bare spots with unsolicited views. I told them I didn't trust either political party to do what was right for the country, that I would not support any candidate who opposed term limits, that Congress was a national scandal, that I was wondering when they'd be pushing forward in pursuit of criminal prosecutions and censure in the House Post Office and House Bank scandals, and that I was personally counting the days till the next election. That should suffice to get me taken off their mailing list, wouldn't you think? (July 25, 1995)

• Slick normalizing U.S. relations with Vietnam this month closes the circle. He was a draft-doger when the Vietnam War was being fought. Now he thinks Americans should forget the war and cozy up to the Hanoi Communist regime he legitimizes by presidential decree, saying it "will advance the cause of freedom in Vietnam." Slick's lifting of the U.S. trade embargo against Vietnam a year ago threw open the doors to the more than 300 American businesses which have already opened offices there.

Proof We Haven't Completely Taken Leave Of Our Senses. . .

• Polls released at the end of July show--big shocker here--that three out of four Americans, the most in polling history, say they "rarely or never trust government to do what is right." For comparison, the figure was 61 percent in 1974 after Watergate and Nixon's resignation, 69 percent in 1980 after the Iran hostage crisis, and 62 percent in 1990 after the Iran-Contra affair. The level of distrust and disgust has been rising during Slick Willie's tenure: 71 percent in 1992, 72 percent in 1993 and 1994. The poll was described as bipartisan and was conducted by both Republican (Fred Steeper) and Democratic (Slick's pollster, Stanley Greenberg) polling groups for the Americans Talk Issues Foundation. Still smells like some sort of wacko conservative right-wing fanatic plot to me.

• I've watched several hours of the Whitewater hearings on C-Span this week. Regardless of one's politics, they're anything but confidence-inspiring. The House Banking Committee conducting the proceedings includes some of the leading liberal wackos of our time, such as Henry Gonzalez, Maxine Waters, Barney Frank, and Joseph Kennedy, and they're doubtless matched by equally abominable Republican counterparts, names as yet unknown. he hearings are characterized by sarcasm, demagoguery, verbal sniping and mean-spiritedness from both sides. Mr. and Mrs. Front Porch could not watch these hearings and conclude that this is a somber and noble quest for truth. It is not. This is a political joust, a nasty little contest between snotty partisans maneuvering for position and power, and guaranteed not to make you feel very good about the elected bandits and connivers who run our country. (August 10, 1995)

• Allowing C-Span television cameras onto the House floor for unedited broadcasts of Congressional proceedings is one of the single greatest mistakes the House has ever made, for it allows the unwashed rabble to see how things really work. On the other hand, if you're a mere citizen, it's one of the greatest breakthroughs ever.

• Oh, by the way. . .what ever happened to the promised investigations of the House Post Office scandal and the House Bank scandal? Just checking. Wouldn't want it to be overlooked.

• Do Slick's recent attacks on the tobacco companies and teen-age smoking mean he thinks teen-age smoking isn't O.K. but teen-age abortions are?

Yeah, But They're Our Rhodes Scholars

• Time to celebrate. Democratic Congressman Mel Reynolds of Illinois has been found guilty on all 12 counts charging him with criminal sexual assault, solicitation of child pornography, and obstruction of justice. The jury was comprised of seven men and five women--six of them black, six white. Reynolds left the courtroom claiming his prosecution was racially biased and politically motivated. A former Rhodes Scholar, he faces a mandatory minimum of four years in prison and a maximum of 75 years. Washington Post reporter Edward Walsh's trial story said Reynolds was "once considered one of the rising stars in a new generation of Congressional Democrats." Truth is, this is just another political scumbag gone to ground. His conviction is not considered grounds for expulsion from the U.S. House of Representatives. Why are we not surprised?

• Have you noticed how Senator Alfonse D'Amato's committee investigating Whitewater is staying as far away as possible from the Vince Foster Unpleasantness? Do you get the feeling everybody in Wonderland, D.C., Republican and Democrat alike, is desperately hoping this topic will go away?

But Only 18 Of Them Will Vote For Him

• In a recent article about presidential candidate Lamar Alexander, one of his aides proudly told the interviewer that Alexander has some 35,000 names in his Rolodex file. We need know no more than this to know it's time to light a candle for Lamar.

Hart Wants Some Of The Same Slack Slick Gets!

• Former Democratic U.S. Senator Gary Hart, whose extramarital escapades with the lovely Donna Rice catapulted him from the 1987 presidential campaign trail to obscurity and out of office, is rumored to be yearning to get back to the trough. He's floated a couple of trial vomit bags via interviews in Colorado's two statewide newspapers, The Denver Post and the Rocky Mountain News, wherein he told reporters he'd like to regain his old Senate seat and believes "the whole political world has grown up" since the Donna Rice Unpleasantness. A New York Times reporter covering Hart wrote that the ex-senator "may believe that his eight-year political exile is coming to a close as the public grows bored or tolerant of the private lives of its elected officials." Just as likely, Hart's seen what Slick and The Clintonistas have gotten away with and figures any electorate that would embrace them could hardly turn him down. Welcome back to the flock, Gary. It's good to have you home.

Nailing Dollar Bill Department

• ". . .(Senator Bill) Bradley is just Michael Dukakis with a jump shot. He (Bradley) sided with Ted Kennedy 83 percent of the time in the last Congress and joined Bill Clinton 87 percent of the time--saying "aye" to every major spending program and "nay" to such things as the balanced budged amendment and work requirements for welfare recipients. Now, rather than fight for that record, he wants to dodge responsibility for it. . .the Middle Grounders cling to the belief they can reform an incoherent system. They can't. As that realization hits home, you can expect other "moderates" to follow Mr. Bradley's lead--to deliver bitter, eloquent speeches that can be summarized in two words: I quit." --Tony Snow, Detroit News editorial columnist, quoted in the August 28 issue of the Washington Times.

The Hyena's Outta The Bag

• So far, 14 persons have either been indicted or have entered pleas in the Whitewater Unpleasantness. No matter how much the lefties want this to go away, it ain't gonna. (August 28, 1995)

Toting Up The Spoils

• Citizens who sent a mess of Democrats packing last fall, either via the election booth or indictment, were doubtless encouraged and felt they were doing something good for the country by driving these brigands from the public trough. Once that the smoke's cleared, the National Taxpayers Union Foundation thought it would be fun to calculate the federal pension benefits these defeated public servants would get. Here are the top 10 "pension millionaires" who left the 103rd Congress in January, 1995. All are Democrats. Member, Estimated 1995 Benefits, Estimated Lifetime Benefits: Rep. Phil Sharp (Indiana), $69,311, $3,741,525; Sen. Don Riegle (Michigan), $81,078 3, $612,570; Rep Tom Foley (Washington), $123,804, $3,276,649; Rep. Dan Glickman (Kansas), $49,969, $2,976,137; Sen. George Mitchell (Maine), $84,595, $2,895,248; Rep. William Ford (Michigan), $105,787, $2,531,184; Rep. Romano Mazzoli (Kentucky), $77,627, $2,479,923; Rep. Dan Rostenkowski (Illinois), $96,462,l $2,448,062; Rep. Al Swift (Washington), $64,238, $2,421,155; Sen. Dennis DeConcini (Arizona), $55,669, $2,356,420. We note in passing that DeConcini was the power forward and Riegle the small forward on the S&L scandal's famous "Keating Five," that Rostenkowski faces multiple indictments for offenses while a House member. Congress' pension system, according to an article in the June 9, 1995, issue of Human Events, is "roughly twice as generous as that of any Fortune 500 corporation." As usual, the joke's on Mr. and Mrs. Front Porch.

Yes, But They're Our Sleazebags

• The Senate Ethics Committee has voted 6-0 to recommend that Oregon Senator Bob Packwood be expelled from the Senate for sexual and ethical misconduct. Let's deal with first things first: "Senate Ethics Committee" is a contradiction in terms. Next, it should be noted that the committee--indeed the entire howling pack of feminist, journalistic, political and activist hyenas screaming for Packwood's scalp--was willing to include in the body of "evidence" against Packwood complaints of sexual harassment dating back to 1969. Will the committee and its attack dogs insist on fairness now, and demand hearings on other rogue hormones in their midst? The Man Whose Oldsmobile Couldn't Swim, Senator Ted Kennedy, comes to mind. So do Rep. Gerry Studds (also a Massachusetts Democrat)--censured in 1983, wasn't he, for sexual "misconduct" (code for: homosexual relations) with teen-age congressional pages?--and Rep. Barney Frank. Plenty of others will need time in the dock, too. Those who find something positive in the committee's vote should remind themselves of the obvious, that the House and the Senate never do anything about matters like this until it is impossible to avoid acting. And then they do it only grudgingly. (September 7, 1995)

• I enjoy the contrast of the ethics committee and the religious left's Get Bob Packwood Militias being willing to conduct a public butchering of the Oregon Senator on the one hand. . .but nobody but the American Spectator and a few right wing cranks caring about allegations of sexual harassment and worse again Slick Willie. A judge even ruled that Paul Jones's complaint against Slick had to wait till after he was out of office to be heard in court. The anti-Packwood mob is eager to extend its inquisition back to the late 1960s, but when Slick Willie's critics point to the sordid catalog of his life extending as far back as the 1960s they're told that's all history and it's unfair and irrelevant to bring it up. I'm afraid I just don't get the difference.

• Illinois Rep. Mel Reynolds has announced he'll resign his House seat October 1 in the wake of his 12-count conviction on sex charges even though, he says, he's innocent and the whole thing was a political and racist conspiracy to get him. Good! Another scumbag gone to ground!

Weep Not--Packwood Gets 90 Grand A Year Pain-Soother For Life

• Oregon Senator Bob Packwood has come to his senses and announced he, too, will resign in disgrace, effective October 1. Before we get too deep into grieving, we do well to note that Packwood's federal pension will run about $90,000 per year. That should be more than enough to soothe the pain of this fallen hero. It's just what you'd expect from a Republican, too. (September 10, 1995)

• Media frightmongers are stomping on the train wreck treadle now as the end of the federal government's fiscal year approaches. If Congress and Slick can't agree on a new federal budget and pass the necessary spending (code for: additional debt) resolutions by October 1, we're warned, then a "train wreck" is inevitable--the entire federal government will have to shut down. This is a test of wills, and a test of courage and conviction for Republicans, who have a long history of blinking first in these confrontations with liberals. Here's one vote for letting the train wreck. I'm certain the nation would quickly discover it could get along quite nicely without about half the federal government. Bet money the GOP will fold at nut-crunching time. (September 9, 1995)

• Meantime, all concerned with the approaching federal train wreck--Slick and his handlers and members of Congress--are busy not with doing what's right, what's needed for the good of this great nation of ours, but with positioning, getting themselves maneuvered to a spot where they can blame the other side. Doing right isn't important. The public's perception, the spin the manipulators can put on this, is everything.

• Newtie told the nation Sunday (Sept. 10) that it would be a "joke" and a "disaster" if retired General Colin Powell runs for president as an independent outside the traditional two-party system. Powell's dropping delicious little hints here and there, but playing it coy, too. No one seems able to tell if he's a Democrat or a Republican. He's been heard to utter the word "moderate" to describe himself. He's written a book and is launching a 22-city tour this month to promote it. He's promised us he'll decide by the end of the year. Slipstream media columnists and TV's talking heads are atwitter over the possibilities. Even Gingrich, a guest Sunday on NBC's Meet The Press, conceded Powell would be a "formidable" candidate if he ran as a Republican. One rumor has Powell saying the country's two biggest problems are racism and unequal distribution of wealth. That smells like a Democrat to me. And Newtie wears the acrid aroma of someone who's v-e-r-r-y nervous about the possibility of Powell running for anything. No wonder. Almost any third party or independent candidate except Jesse Jackson dooms Republican chances in the 1996 presidential race. (September 11, 1995)

Nervous Nellies, Rush Calls Then. . .

• Rush Limbaugh spent the better part of a week recently scolding callers to his show who were pessimistic about the Republicans' having the will to push ahead with changes they've promised and worried about the "conservative revolution" losing momentum. He ridiculed the "independent" or "third party" movement and frankly admitted he was an ardent believer in the two-party system. Rush's fame and fortune, it can be argued, are largely due to a revolution made possible by communications technology: the astounding rise in popularity of talk radio in the past 10 years or so. This revolution has broken the iron grip on the public agenda previously held by big media interests and the political elite, and forever changed the way citizens and those in power interact. It's provided new freedom for ordinary citizens, especially those who've long felt no one spoke for them. Rush rode to millioniaire icon status on the back of this revolution. It's odd that Rush doesn't see--or won't acknowledge--the parallel between that revolution and the burgeoning independent/third party movement. The same anger, frustration, and yearning animate both. Polls consistently show huge portions of the public disgusted with both major parties and their candidates and angry about the way government is run. The independence boomlet represents the same renegade spirit that inspired Rush Limbaugh in his early days and fuels his astonishing popularity today. That Rush Limbaugh, of all people, would now oppose independent and third-party idealists is strange, indeed.

Sign On A Dublin Wall

• Bob Packwood's diaries paint a sordid picture of sleaze and corruption in Wonderland, D.C. They confirm what all but the intentionally self-deluding knew, anyway. I'd like to sit down and write a letter to my Senators and congressman. But what could I say? My despair reminds me of a large sign I saw painted on a building wall in Dublin a few years ago. Mogo took a picture of me posing in front if it. It said: Vote No! The reference was to some local issue, but seems appropriate for Americans today. Vote No! On everything.

• You saw the brief but highly instructive anecdote about Bob Dole which recently circulated in the news magazines, didn't you? The one that had Dole telling some people whose support he sought for his presidential bid that he could be Ronald Reagan "if that's what they wanted him to be." This is not a confidence-builder.

Yoking Dan And Bob

• Wow! Dan Quayle has signed on to be director of Bob Dole's political action committee. Quayle insists this isn't an endorsement of Dole. Indiana Senator Richard Lugar, competing with Dole for the Republican presidential nomination, is understandably upset. Pundits say the move will help both Dole and Quayle politically. If true, this is indeed bad news for America. These are two politicians we don't need more of. Having them yoked, though, offers the chance that if one goes down in flames, so may the other.

• I still think the natural home for General Colin Powell is the Democratic Party.

All In The Family

• I'll bet Ross Perot's announcement that he'll lead the formation of a national independent political party has the media and power elite heaving big chunks. Ross correctly points out that millions of Americans are fed up with the two major political parties. We'll hear howls of pain and prophesies of doom from the power brokers and those who benefit from the present system. There'll be talk of our sacred form of government, of the Founding Fathers, of the doom that surely awaits us if we allow another party to elbow up to the table. The perfect analogy--the one you won't see Dan Rather, Tom Brokaw, or Cokie Roberts use--is from The Godfather, where the heads of the competing Mafia families meet, as reasonable men, to agree on a division of territory and plunder. Substitute Republicans and Democrats for the Corleones, Barzinis, Tattaglias, and the rest, and you have the perfect modern-day analogy for the two dominant gangs of thugs and connivers who afflict our country. I see no reason why we shouldn't make room for others at the national trough. So cheers for Ross Perot! May the Independence Party prosper! (Even if it means the utterly loathesome Slick Willie gets re-elected.) (September 26, 1995)

Bob, Wilbur, Gary, Mel, Teddy--Ah, The Stuff Of Legend!

• Scandal Tours, a Wonderland, D.C.-based company, has announced it's adding Senator Bob Packwood's office to its 75-minute bus tour featuring the seedy and sordid of our Nation's Capital. The bus also takes tourists to the former home of Senator Gary (How'd This Bimbo Get on My Lap, Anyway?) Hart, the Tidal Basin area where stripper Fannie Fox skinnydipped with former House Ways and Means Chairman Wilbur Mills (D-Ark.), and of course offers a host of facts highlighting Senator Ted Kennedy's escapades. The office of former Illinois Congressman Mel Reynolds (D.) is rumored to be the tour's next addition, according to "The Right Ear" column in the Sept. 22, 1995 issue of Human Events. This is American entrepreneurship at its finest. Where can we buy tickets? (September 26, 1995)

• Slick told an audience in Houston over the weekend that he now realized he'd raised taxes too high in his 1993 tax bill. A day or two later his handlers were backing and filling, telling us he didn't say that and that even if he did he didn't mean it, he meant something else.

Sleazebag Centennial?

• Thanks of A Grateful Nation Department: Stumping for his own re-election in 1996, Slick told reporters that Americans get an opportunity only once every 100 years to elect a person of his caliber to the presidency. Millions and millions and millions and millions of us are grateful for that.

• The Philadelphia Enquirer's Jodi Enda says estimates of the number of lobbyists working in Wonderland, D.C., range from 12,000 to 90,000--"207 lobbyists for every representative or 900 for every senator." Surely this can't be true.

Wish I'd Thought Of That

• "President and Panderer-in-Chief". . .--from a headline on a Chicago Tribune editorial October 22, 1995.

A Thankless Job, But The Stampede's On For Mel's Empty Seat

• Fourteen candidates have so far filed for the November 28 Illinois primary election to replace 2nd District Congressman Mel Reynolds, who resigned when he had to go to prison. Some crank at the Chicago Tribune set out to answer the question so many citizens are asking: why would so many people want to be a U.S. Congressman when you hear so much from incumbents about what a bitter, difficult, thankless, debilitating experience public service is? The Tribune uncovered the following possible reasons: 1) The job pays $133,360 per year; 2) Election to Congress is all but a guarantee of a job for life; 3) Each of the 535 members of Congress costs taxpayers more than a million dollars per year to maintain; 4) The "maintenance" includes such goodies as a $177,047 "expense account," more than $500,000 in patronage hiring money and over $150,000 in free postage each year; 5) In addition, there are subsidized meals, haircuts and a host of other services and benefits and a near continuous round of dinners and parties offered by lobbyists, lackeys and others seeking government favors. 6) Retirees get pensions far more generous than any known on earth. Remember this next time you hear one of these people wailing about how tough it is.

Who's That Under That Rock? Why, It's Rosty!

• One of former Congressman Dan Rostenkowski's former ghost payrollers, Robert Russo--and the more of these people who are "former" the better off this great nation is--is on trial in Wonderland, D.C., on perjury and obstruction of justice charges for lying to a 1993 grand jury investigating Rosty, and testimony took an interesting turn last week. Prosecutors questioned Rosty's former House payroll clerk, Harrison Avner, about charges that taxpayer money was used to pay Russo and others for doing little or no work. Rosty has been indicted on 17 felony corruption charges and denies every last syllable of them. But alas, Avner's testimony offered a fascinating peek at Rosty's World and that, we may presume, of numerous of his colleagues present and former. Avner said that for a decade he was the only clerk to do Rostenkowski's payroll work, and that was indeed unusual, since the normal procedure was for the clerks to be shifted every two years with each new Congress. Rosty, though, insisted on keeping Avner. This trial and others may show why. Testimony was that Rosty told Avner to be sure to spend every penny allotted to him for staff and expenses each month. Avner cited an example in 1986 when year-end arrived and there was unspent money in Rosty's account. The Congressman ordered Avner to cross out a lower figure for Russo's "annual salary" and raise it to $61,000 to "use up" the remaining money. "Changing the figure allowed Rostenkowski to keep all his allotted funds, Avner testified," is how the Chicago Tribune's account described it, without further elaboration. But, Avner said, Russo was only on the payroll for one month in 1986, earning only $5,107 for the entire year. The obvious question--what became of the approximately $55,000 "difference"--went unanswered in the Tribune's account by Ginger Orr. It's worth remembering that this is the Congressman Illinois voters returned again and again and again to Washington, and with consuming pride, confirming what the rest of us know in our guts anyway. (October 29, 1995)

A Sure Sign The Cancer Is Spreading

• In its November 6 cover story on the (rumored) collapse of the Democratic Party, U.S. News & World Report says that independent voters "now outnumber Democrats in Massachusets, and at Harvard--long the cradle of liberal ideas and leaders--young Republicans outnumber Democrats 3 to 1." The same article notes that since 1964, no Democratic presidential candidate has won more than 50.1 percent of the vote. Their average: 43 percent, precisely what Slick Willie got in 1992. (November 5, 1995)

• Whatever your politics, you've got to give grudging admiration to the Democrats for their mastery of deception. As the Medicare reform debate continues in Wonderland, D.C., the Democrats doggedly chant their mantra that the evil, godless Republicans are "cutting" Medicare. This is, of course, a baldfaced lie, but one actually believed by growing numbers of citizens. The GOP plan increases Medicare spending in its seven-year plan by 6.5 percent. Democrats want it to increase by 10.5 percent. Only in Washington is a 6.5 percent increase called a cut. Most of the media are willing conspirators in passing on this claptrap unchallenged to a largely indifferent, uninformed, and addled American public. It is this talent for lying and deception that is a central theme in the political successes of Slick Willie and the liberals. There are liars on both sides of the issues, of course; but Slick and the bleeders have made it an art form.

• Citizens may obtain a free copy of The Independent Counsel's Report on the Death of Vincent Foster, Jr. by writing a note requesting same to: Office of the Independent Counsel, 1001 Pennsylvania Avenue NW, Wonderland, D.C. 20004. I have my copy and am going to do what I suspect few slipstream media journalists have done--read it. I suggest everyone follow that up by reading The Murder of Vince Foster by Michael Kellett, which amply documents the stunning number of inconsistencies, avoided questions, and oddities not pursued by prosecutor Robert Fiske and his intrepid team of bloodhounds. I can't imagine how anyone could read the latter and still believe Foster's death a suicide.

Newtie Learning In Office?

• Newt Gingrich has declined an invitation from Newsweek magazine to pose with Elizabeth Hurley for a picture in an upcoming issue. Gingrich, who agreed to an interview by lefty journalist Gail Sheehey and got scorched and trashed in a summer issue of Vanity Fair, probably smelled a rat somewhere in the Newsweek offer. Hurley, alert citizens may know, is the mammary-enhanced actress girlfriend of actor Hugh Grant, who achieved a certain notoriety with his recent arrest in Hollywood in the front seat of a car with a prostitute's head in his lap. Newtie's perceptiveness is encouraging. Maybe he is capable of learning in office.

Jesse, Jr. Already At The Trough

• Jesse Jackson's son, Jesse Jr., is a candidate for the Illinois 2nd Congressional District seat vacated by the now imprisoned Mel Reynolds. Some troublemakers at WMAQ-AM radio in Chicago have uncovered this Unpleasantness: young Jesse Jr.'s salary for the past two years has been paid by the Chicago-based Hotel and Restaurant Employees International Union, which has been rumored to have mob ties, even though Jesse Jr.'s resume for that period said his job was national field director for the National Rainbow Coalition founded by his father. He'd not mentioned this in previous conversations with eager reporters, but conceded it once WMAQ got wind. He said he had "a very mutual and very cordial relationship" with the union and he would have taken their $56,000 even if he had known of the union's questionable history because it helped him "improve the lives of working people." Sure.

• There are times when Mr. and Mrs. Front Porch need a bank of 25 or 30 television sets running simultaneously to see who covers what. I needed mine back on October 25 when a news conference was held to announce that three handwriting experts hired to analyze a torn-up note said to have been found in the dead Vince Foster's briefcase had declared the note to be a forgery. The establishment version is that Foster committed suicide July 20, 1993, and left behind a suicide note in his briefcase. The first independent counsel to investigate, Robert Fiske Jr., reportedly never saw, much less examined, the original note. Instead Fiske "examined" a typed version of the note provided by White House staff who'd raided Foster's office shortly after his body was found and carried numerous documents and materials to the White House for safekeeping. Fiske concluded Foster had written the note and had committed suicide. The handwriting analysts included a manuscript expert from Oxford University in England, a private investigator from Boston, and a former New York Police homicide expert. My guess is that Dan Rather, Peter Jennings, Tom Brokaw, and the rest of the slipstream media won't be pounding this story into our homes day and night with the same zeal with which they decry Republican greed and the evils of unbridled capitalist exploitation. Except for an article in the conservative Washington Times newspaper, I saw nothing about the news conference in my daily reading and viewing. Did you? Under other circumstances, this would be a sensational revelation. But there seems to be a desperate need on the part of many to ignore any evidence which contradicts officialdom's verdict of suicide.

Notice Anything Different?

• Now that the gub'mint has shut down have you noticed anything different in your life? Of course not. I say let it stay shut down. We'll discover about half of them could be fired and their departments eliminated without missing a beat. Crisis? What a joke!

• And if you want to bet on who'll blink first, whose knees will buckle in this big showdown between Slick and the Republicans, bet on the Republicans. They won't have the guts to carry this through.

Patsy Only $13.5 Million Short

• The GAO's latest report on the cost of Slick Hillie's health care task force is that it spent $13.8 million of taxpayer money. This compares to testimony before the House in 1994 by White House aide Patsy Thomasson that the task force would spend $211,000.

Killed? Died? Doesn't Matter--Time To Get Back To Shopping

• Margaret Williams, Slick Hillie's chief of staff, in testimony before the Senate Whitewater Committee hearings to answer questions about a series of telephone calls between her and Slick Hillie on the day of Vince Foster's death (July 20, 1993), uttered these words: "The 20th was Tuesday, the evening that Vince was killed--or died." The room was silent. No senator would comment publicly on Williams' statement. White House officials rushed forward to say Williams "obviously misspoke." I stumbled across this account in the November 13 issue of The Washington Times. They probably just made it up, don't you think?

• Slick Willie desecrated television screens across this great nation last night when he went public with his case for sending 23,000 U.S. troops to Bosnia. Was anyone else as sickened as I by the spectacle of our sleazeball draft-dodger President lobbying to place American troops in danger? It's long past time for Slick to serve his country. Put him in combat gear and send him to Bosnia. (November 28, 1995)

• Always questing for an edge, an advantage, Senator Bob Dole's staff is asking focus groups to name animals the various presidential candidates remind them of. Phil Gramm drew votes as a weasel, fox, hyena, ferret, bulldog, and tortoise. Pat Buchanan came up as a pit bull, badger, and wolverine. Dole himself reminded folks of a mule, draft horse, German Shepherd, elephant, kangaroo, zebra, and chameleon. No word on Slick Willie, though scumbag seems about right.

Finding Hidden Nuggets

• The best stories are often tucked away inside newspapers where the editors hope you'll miss them. Today's Indianapolis Star contained a short wire service item buried inside under the heading "Gores' Beastly Bill for Party Costumes is $8,635." It told of Vice President Al Gore's and his wife's special Halloween party costumes which were "provided" by the Walt Disney Company. A Gore aide telephoned a Disney executive before the party and asked about acquiring costumes for the Veepsters. The aide did not request an invoice and none was offered. Disney eagerly flew a costume designer and a makeup artist from the West Coast to Washington to work on the costumes and get Gore and his wife made up for the gala event. Everything was slick, comfortable, and schmoozy so far. But, alas, some vile worm of an informer provided an anonymous tip to the Washington Post, which chose to investigate. Turns out government ethics guidelines which apply even to the Slick Willie Administration, the one that has provided the American people the most ethical government in the country's history (Slick's own words, aren't they?), bar federal employees from soliciting gifts from those who do business with the federal government. Flushed out in the open, Gore quickly arranged for the Democratic Party to pay for the costumes and support staff expenses. Under the Post's watchful eye, Disney company submitted an invoice for $8,635. It seems safe to assume that had it not been for the traitorous tipster, American taxpayers would have paid for this caper. Instead, the Slick Administration can use that $8,635 to feed some of the school children who are being starved to death by Republican budget-balancing. . .the Star similarly buried, though under a two-column headline, a story about Jean Lewis testifying before the Senate Whitewater Committee hearings November 29. Lewis, a former investigator with the Resolution Trust Corp.'s savings and loan scandal investigating team and known for her feisty and blunt testimony last summer at these same hearings, offered what in other circumstances (i.e., an investigation of Republicans, conservatives, Christians, or other favored liberal targets) would have been howling front-page news. She said there was "a very strong possibility" Slick Willie and his wife knew that their business partner James McDougal was kiting checks using their Whitewater business account. "There is no doubt the Clintons benefitted from the McDougals' activities," Lewis said, referring to charges McDougal funneled money from his Madison Guaranty Savings and Loan into the Whitewater account and thence to illegal contributions to Clinton's gubernatorial campaign. Madison Guaranty later folded, costing American taxpayers $65 million. Democrats on the Senate committee tried to discredit Lewis by reading from a letter she wrote to a friend in February 1992 which she inadvertently turned over to investigators. In the letter Lewis referred to Slick's denial that he had an affair with Gennifer Flowers. "Everyone in Arkansas knows that he did, the lying bastard, then placed her on the state payroll," she wrote. Democrats were outraged by this, but of course chose not to address the real issue Lewis had raised: the truth or falsehood of the Gennifer Flowers Unpleasantness. Instead they strove to make Lewis herself the issue. Lewis had a sly suggestion for the Committee, too. "If the committee wants to know what the Clintons knew about the corrupt activities resulting in losses to Madison, why not invite the Clintons to testify. . ." Bet that one sent the Senators scuttling under the tables for cover. He is, by the way, a lying bastard. (November 30, 1995)

Yeah, But It's Our Budget Plan

• In November 1993 the Slick Administration fought a bipartisan plan to cut federal spending by $90 billion over five years. White House Chief of Staff Leon Panetta called it "immoral." Seven months later the administration proposed its own 10-year balanced budget plan to cut spending by $1 trillion. Leon Panetta did not call it immoral. --Columnist Gloria Borger, U.S. News & World Report (November 6, 1995).

• Could Bosnia hold the key to Slick's 1996 election chances? If it goes well, he's a hero and will claim a foreign policy triumph. If it goes badly, he'll be excoriated for that, too, and it could cost him re-election.

• I think Congress is crazy if it passes any resolution supporting Slick's commitment of troops to Bosnia. We have no strategic interests there. Let Slick go this one on his own.

• You have to love the irony of Slick the draft-dodger and anti-war protest organizer now sending American troops into harm's way.

• Rumor has Slick hoping that the balanced budget dispute between the Democrats and Republicans drags on indefinitely, so it can be a 1996 campaign issue. Me too. So let 'em limp along keeping the government operating through temporary spending resolutions, and put the matter to the voters. If the voters return Slick to office, we'll have learned something crucial about ourselves, and the Republicans can give up, grab their fat pensions, and go home to die as wards of the state.

Yeah, But Slick's Our President

• Slick Willie has invoked executive privilege to prevent Whitewatergate investigators from gaining access to notes about a November, 1993, meeting of Slick's various lawyers and handlers. The nation's slipstream media reacted with ho-hums. The Indianapolis Star tucked the story away on page 12. NBC, CBS, ABC and CNN have expressed no outrage, offered no in-depth probes. Times have surely changed since the Nixon-Watergate days when the then-mainstreamers foamed at the mouth 'round the clock as President Nixon tried executive privilege, stonewalling, erasing tapes, and sheer guts and dogged determination to hide the truth of his sleazy doings from a salivating press and public. Nowadays, the slipstreamers are desperate to turn their heads.

Bad News For Maggie: They're Asking The Right Questions

• Maggie Williams, Slick Hillie's old friend from the Children's Defense Fund days and presently the First Slick's chief of staff, has had a rugged time of it lately, with two summonses to testify before the Senate's Whitewater Commitee, and a third appearance scheduled before year's end. Williams has been admirably slippery and evasive in service to her bosses, but, alas, people make notes, tape testimony, and keep discovering what are charitably called "inconsistencies" by the Newsweek reporting team that interviewed her for the December 18, 1995 issue. Williams swore she wasn't "taking a fall" for Slick Hillie and added, "What I am not is a lemming." She confided to Newsweek that she recently told a group of White House interns that she couldn't recommend "public service" as a career (though she earlier admitted to the reporters that she "became chief of staff for Hillary Clinton. . .hoping to transform years of liberal think-tank lobbying into executive action." This sounds a bit different than a career in "public service," though it's likely Williams would see no distinction. "Nobody asks the right questions anymore," she said through tears. The problem for Williams is that at last somebody is asking the right ones. (December 17, 1995)

Stuff Bob Dole Doesn't Want Us To Know Department

• Rival Republican presidential candidate Steve Forbes claims Dole has "voted for 16 tax increases in the past 14 years." Surely this can't be true.

Stuff Wacko Lefty Bleeders Don't Want You to Know

• FBI statistics show that in 1993 blacks committed hate crimes at a per capita rate four times that of whites. . .and blacks were arrested for crimes of violence at a per capita rate more than 12 times that of whites. (U.S. News & World Report, October 16, 1995, issue.)

Stuff You Know in Your Heart

• What was wrong with Oliver North's lying to Congress? Congress lies all the time to the rest of us.

Tricky Dick's Tricky Don Department

• Donald "Dirty Tricks" Segretti of Watergate fame has dropped out of the race for a Superior Court judgeship in Lost Angeles County, California. Segretti, now 53, was convicted of conducting "dirty tricks" for Richard Nixon's 1972 presidential re-election campaign. Ever the cunning weasel, Segretti today practices law in Newport Beach.

• Newtie's unseemly whimpering about being ignored by Slick and kept in the back of the plane on a November trip with the Panderer-in-Chief raises a burning question: Why would Newtie even want to be in the same room with Slick Willie? Surely, if Newtie had any self-respect he'd never have boarded, or, upon discovering Slick was a passenger, he'd have parachuted to safety. Instead, he hung around for the ride, then bitched about disrespect. Doesn't say much for Newtie, does it?

Chipping Away At The Stonewallers

• Slick Hillie placed a phone call the night of Vince Foster's death to (202) 628-7087 in Wonderland, D.C., but refused to divulge to the Senate Whitewater Committee the identity of the party called. A subpoena to Bell Atlantic produced that information--it was a special White House number which was routed to the office of White House Chief of Staff Thomas "Mack" McLarty, where it was answered by his aide, Bill Burton. So they're chipping away at the stonewallers. I called the number at 9:20 p.m. December 18 and got a robot message: "We're sorry. Your call cannot be completed as dialed, or the number has been disconnected. . ." Dang! I was hoping to get a chance to talk to them, offer my services. . . (December 19, 1995)

Not The Answer Slick Was Looking For

• Slick Willie's visit to our troops in Bosnia is a national disgrace, and brings to mind a recent cartoon in which Slick was shown bidding farewell to an American soldier in combat gear ready to board a plane to Bosnia. "Good luck in Bosnia," the corpulent Draft-Dodger in Chief chirped, "Don't do anything I wouldn't do." The GI replied, "I'm already doing something you wouldn't do." Priceless.

• Newsweek writers Stryker McGuire and David Ansen tackled controversial film director Oliver Stone's Nixon in the December 11, 1995 issue, saying the movie forces us to "confront the man who did more than anyone to undermine the nation's respect for the presidential office." Oh? What about Slick Willie?

• As 1995 draws to a close, this advice for the Republicans: Go to Slick Willie now and accept whatever you can get. In any contest with Slick Willie, where cunning, deceit, marketing, manipulation and cleverness are sure to carry the day, the Republicans stand no chance. They've been outfoxed, outmaneuvered, outflim-flammed . Slick will be re-elected and the Republicans will disgrace themselves by abandoning their own causes. (December 31, 1995)

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