Lists and Other Minutiae

Hi, Neighbor!. . .

• A new map of the United States is circulating. We should all be studying it and the message it brings. It shows the location of known Islamic terrorist cells or organizations and includes 25 cities in 18 states and the District of Columbia. Hamas, Hezbollah, The Muslim Brotherhood, al Qaeda, Islamic Jihad and other lesser-known groups are mapped in Oregon, Washington, California, Colorado, Arizona, Oklahoma, Texas, Missouri, Illinois, Michigan, Indiana, Ohio, Florida, Virginia, Maryland, North Carolina, New York, Massachusetts, and Washington, D.C. Can even a shred of this be true? (October 1, 2006)

• (A) Can you identify the prime minister of (the country to which you have been appointed ambassador)? (B) Can you tell us the name of the sheriff who shot Billy The Kid? (C) Why do you wear a beard?—Questions reportedly asked of nominees when they appeared for questioning before the U.S. Senate by (A) J. William Fulbright of Arkansas, (B) Senator George Aiken of Vermont, and (C) Howell “The Towering Bowl of Jell-O” Heflin of Alabama, who addressed his to Supreme Court  nominee Robert Bork, according to columnist Philip Terzian, in the Weekly Standard’s February 6, 2006 edition.

Quite A List Of Things To Ignore

• Mike Delph, a state senator serving a Marion-Hamilton County district, has released the results of a mail poll he recently took. Among the positions taken by the rabble:  89% want all voters to be required to show identification at polling sites; 81% support the second amendment to the Constitution which gives citizens the right to bear arms; 72% oppose any further expansion of legalized gambling in Indiana; 68% support a state constitutional amendment defining marriage as the union of one man and one woman; 76% believe that religious leaders invited to offer an opening prayer at daily sessions of the Indiana General Assembly should be allowed to pray according to their  own faith, regardless of religion or denomination, and 90% want Indiana’s eminent domain laws changed to specifically forbid the state’s taking of private property for a non-public use.  (February 7, 2006)

• Another milestone: Peaches and I went to see Cirque du Soleil tonight at Conseco Fieldhouse. The 2006 road show is called Delirum.  Hard to do it justice with words.  Ranks up there in my Top Five Life Spectaculars with Stomp!, Phantom of the Opera, Cats, and the Kodo Drummers. It’s not overusing the language to say it was utterly amazing. A single ducat cost $100, so this was not a decision taken lightly. I’d go again.  This from someone who’d arm-wrestle you for a nickel.  (February 27, 2006)

• If you live in Detroit one of your rewards is to pay the highest average auto insurance premiums in the United States--$5,984 for one year’s coverage.  Next were Philadelphia at $4,440, Newark at $3,977, New York at $3,430, and Lost Angeles as $3,303.   The cheapest rates were found in Roanoke, Virginia ($912). Then came Chattanooga ($980), Nashville ($1,040), Green Bay ($1,042), and Raleigh ($1,057).—Jim Mateja, Chicago Tribune columnist, March 15, 2006.

Top Ten Material, Without Question

• A New York Post poll during Hillary Clinton’s first campaign for the U.S. Senate identified her as the sixth most evil person of the millennium, just behind Vlad the Impaler. Her husband, Sick Willie, ranked second.  (News Item from the Financial Times front page, May 9, 2006)

• I watched the 1962 film, The Longest Day, over Memorial Day weekend and although I had seen it before, I was surprised this time at the number of actors in it who later became “household words”—big Hollywood stars who in the 1960s were not yet all marquee players. Peaches and I spotted, or believe that we did, the likes of John Wayne, Peter Lawford, Rod Steiger, Red Buttons, Sal Mineo, Robert Mitchum, Robert Wagner, Henry Fonda, Kurt Jurgens, Jeff Chandler, Robert Ryan, Richard Burton, Eddie Albert, Gert Frobe and--looking almost like a teen-ager--Sean Connery—all taking part in the Normandy Invasion. I doubt it would be possible in the current world to assemble such a cast for any production.  (May 29, 2006)

A Quiet Little Table For 36, Please

• I polled eight friends and asked them who they’d choose if they could invite only five people, living or dead, to their house for dinner.  Three, apparently homeless, failed to reply. The tally from those who did: Jesus Christ led the pack at three votes. Receiving two invitations were Thomas Jefferson, Franklin D. Roosevelt, and Abraham Lincoln. One vote each went to Robert Frost, Ben Franklin, Russell “Possum “ Marquess, Albert Einstein, Angelina Jolie, Voltaire, Charles Darwin Carpinter,  Mohandas Gandhi, Jonathan Winters, General George Patton, William Hoffman, Jean Shepherd, George Carlin, Thomas Friedman, John Wooden, Billy Graham, George Washington, Teddy Roosevelt, “Ding” Darling, and the fathers of two group members.  Andre The Giant was suggested  as bouncer, Marilyn Monroe as topless waitress, and Johnny Carson as moderator of after-dinner jousting.  Be there!  (July 20, 2006)

• An addition—by acclamation!—to the list of most wonderful athlete names of all time:  Fido Willyboro, who played  forward for the Lehigh University basketball team in the mid-1990s. He is mentioned numerous times in author John Feinstein’s book about the Patriot League’s 1995-96 season, The Last Amateurs.  (August 4, 2006)

Surpassingly Repellent

• Peaches and I missed the world-acclaimed film, "Pulp Fiction," when it debuted—a decade ago? Then we missed the Broadway play. We missed the book, the musical, the TV miniseries, the Passion Play. We missed the "Pulp Fiction" designer fragrances, the diorama, the historical re-enactment, the automobile, the Disney cartoon, the oratorio, and the designer clothing line. We read reviews, though. The critics raved and prattled on about "Pulp Fiction's" deep meaning, its noble exploration of the human condition. The chic and hip raved. The cognoscenti raved. The glitterati raved. We finally decided we must be the turderati. So we rented the video. Here's our review: "Pulp Fiction," the movie, is vile, empty, gory, stupid, demeaning, degenerate, depraved, trashy, and contemptible. It is a surpassingly repellent film populated by depraved, trashy, surpassingly repellent characters. Like much of American popular culture, it is without socially redeeming value. (September, 2006)

• Have you taken The Great Eye? Have you perished? Are your hands made out of carrots?  Are you wearing ermine tails?  Are they live? (If so, do they keep you movin’?) Have you tested the water for—buffalo!--a little far up ahead there!? Are you a living Ronson ad? Have you thrown your roast beef in the fireplace? Knocked some Presbyterians in the water? Are you sort of a ridin’ sheet metal shop? You know that big tom that belongs to the Maverly brothers? Have you turned into a scarlet tanager? Have you put some corn on the window sill? Have you opened the window so he won’t kill himself? Did you touch that ground hog, Baby ‘Liz’beth, even though you don’t know where it’s been? Do you have some empties in your hands, to take out there to the dump? May I call you Maynard? (I’ll call you Dr. Golo.) Are you all iron and bent plumes and things? Would you, by any chance, be The Black Knight? Are you the rightful heir to the throne? Did your brother get blowed up the other day? Do you have your teddy bear? Is there anybody there to bring in the harvest? Maybe build a little cabin? Maybe have a couple of kids? Gee, wouldn’t we be in love again? Was your dad a taxidermist down in the village? Did he do a nice job on your brother? Put bunny eyes in ‘im? Are all them hot, sweaty women out there in the kitchen? Did they throw you from the Cliff of The Foongawyeeuhtanana? Can you get the panel fixed? Is the nose cone working? Did someone give your husband the shaft? Did you get the toaster? Did you get the bread? How did you become chief, Chief? Run over your brother in a Jeep? Are you going to do The Dance of The Rattlesnake? Does it hurt, son? Care for a little drink? Do you sometimes pour with both hands, right on through the night? (No?—Well, make that two, Eddie!) Are you Gene Fondlinger? What is that little step you’re doing? Is that a tattoo on your right arm? Did you send a number of your ponies to a depressed area the other day? Shall we take the guns off the ships? Sail in quietly? Is that your knotty pine pillow there, with the picture of Niagara Falls on it? Are you standing on a steel floor, watching a little set screw turn? Does your family have the right to watch you work? Are there some clauses you don’t understand? Could we just huddle together in this field of golden wheat?  Or is this just a billboard, with a picture of wheat on it? What have you boys done to my nephew’s face? What’d you do to him?—Cosmic Questions Still In Search of Answers, based on utterances by Jonathan Winters characters over the years. (July 22, 2005)
• Swinging Chad, Dangling Chad, Hanging Chad, and Dimpled Chad—The Four Chads introduced to America by the Democratic Party in 2000—Mark Steyn, columnist, August 1 issue of the Washington Times.

• Askewville. Bald Creek. Bat Cave. Calabash. Cape Fear. Climax. Clyde. Coinjock (Currituck County). Colon. Conetoe. Crumpler. Cumnock. Currituck (Currituck County). Duck. Ether. Grandfather Village. Half Moon. Hookerton. Husk. Kill Devil Hills. Old Trap. Pactolus. Ranlo Smyre. Salvo. Seven Devils. Speed. Spot. Suit. Tar Heel. Toast. Turkey. --From a list of communities in the sovereign state of North Carolina , which also boasts of counties named Buncombe and Transylvania. (March 18, 2005)

• Gene Woodling, Harry Byrd, Jim McDonald, Hal Smith, Gus Triandos, Willie Miranda, Bill Miller, Kal Segrist, Don Leppert, and Ted Del Guercio of the New York Yankees, for Bob Turley, Don Larsen, Billy Hunter, Mike Blyzka, Darrell Johnson, Jim Fridley, and Dick Kryhoski of the Baltimore Orioles—Names of the 17 players traded by the Yankees and Orioles in November of 1954 in one of the biggest trades in major league baseball history. (Research courtesy of C. D. Renshaw, Dooley Womack Fellow in Accountancy, Saint Mary’s College (Indiana).

• Nominee for the peculiarly-named places list: the town of Bala Cynwyd, Pennsylvania. What ever could they have had in mind?

• Browsing through a list of Georgia municipalities , I came across these prizes: Abba, Attapulgus, Ball Ground, Between, Boneville, Clem, Climax, Clito, Cunning, Dewy Rose, Ducktown, Egypt, Enigma, Hepzibah, Horseleg Estates, Kite, Lax, Radium Springs, Roosterville, Sandfly, Social Circle, Subligna, Tarboro, Tree, and Wax.   (April 16, 2004)

• The Indianapolis Motor Speedway is listed ninth on MSN.Com's just-released list of 390 Things To Do Before You Die . Some of the listings are apparently serious. A visit to Wrigley Field is No. 1. The Golden Gate Bridge made the top ten, as did the Mardi Gras and the Empire State Building. The Speedway , especially the 16th Street-Georgetown Road area the night before the race, is described as "a Mardi Gras, a bachelor party, and an insane asylum all rolled into one." To that I would add that it, along with the Democratic National Convention, is like seeing Hieronymous Bosch's famous painting, The Garden of Earthly Delights, come to life.   (October 27, 2004)
•  Antlers. Bluejacket, Dill City, Big Cabin, Apache, Arapahoe, Bowlegs, Broken Arrow, Burns Flat, Canute, Catoosa, Cement, Cherokee, Chickasha, Choctaw, Cleo Springs, Coalgate, Commanche, Gene Autry, Gerty, Hooker, Hydro, Hominy, Kaw City, Kiowa, Kremlin, Jet, Loco, Locust Grove, Lone Wolf, Luther, Marble City, Maud, Oilton, Okay, Prague, Seminole, Slaughterville, Soper, Spavinaw, Stonewall, Sulphur, Texhoma, Tishomingo, Corn, Fort Coffee--Selected place names from a list of communities in Oklahoma.

• And more comma more comma more. . .Tennessee:  Bean Station, Bumpus Mills, Ducktown, Gilt Edge, Ozone, Gruetli-Laager, Pall Mall;  South Carolina: Coward, Due West, Ninety Six, and Travelers Rest;  Missouri: Argyle, Blue Eye, Arab, Boss, Braggadocio, Clyde, Conception Junction, Cooter, Couch, Champ, Fair Play, Half Way, Festus, Hurricane Deck, Licking, Lithium, Loose Creek, Lupus, Neck City, Milo, Peculiar, Sleeper, Tightwad, Tiff City; Indiana: Solitude, Daylight, Oriole, Magnet, Speed, Cement, Bethlehem, Floyds Knobs, Birdseye, Buddha, Lookout, Gnaw Bone, Needmore, Raccoon, Twelve Mile, Young America, Rob Roy, Bean Blossom, Hindustan, Carp, Cuba, Moscow, Hamburg, Poland, Bengal, Carlos, Modoc, Strawtown, Petroleum, Banquo, Plum Tree, Pumpkin, Mongo, Cyclone, Bennetts Switch, Mexico, Chili, Denver, Toto; Arkansas: Gin City, Waldo, Smackover, Locust Bayou, Old Milo, Old Jenny Lind, Back Gate, Pansy, Tulip, Delight, Umpire, Needmore, Blue Ball, Jerusalem, Lost Corner, Hector, Overcup, Damascus, Bald Knob, Birdeye, Driver, Tomato, Twist, Hooker, Marmaduke, Evening Shade, Prim, Fiftysix, Three Brothers, Ben, Ida, Shirley, Guy, Floyd, Snowball, Hasty, Ben Hur, Tilly, Lurton; Mississippi: Hot Coffee, Knobtown, Whistle, Chunky, Shivers, Panther Burn, Little Yazoo, Heads, Stringtown, Hushpuckena, Alligator, Bobo, Jumpertown, Duck Hill, Tie Plant, Bigbee Valley, House, Scooby, Noxapater. –Place Names from assorted great states

And Just So 2004 Doesn't Get Away Without Logging Their Names For The Historical Record. . .

•  Eleven Congressional Democrats signed and sent a letter to United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Annan, most recently famous for presiding over his organization's Iraq Oil For Skimming Scam, asking Kofi to dispatch UN observers to an Axis of Evil nation to monitor the United States' 2004 presidential election. The letter cited typical demons from the left's vast pantheon--Florida's still-dangling chads, voter intimidation, harassment and disenfranchisement--every last bit of it, curious to tell, directed against Democrats--and other looming plagues masterminded by the forces of evil (and we know who They are). The authors told Kofi that the rights of citizens were in grave danger. The UN, no doubt with deepest regret, replied that the organization normally did not meddle in electoral affairs unless requested by an election authority or a national government. There are no known reports of any of the UN's blue-helmeted legions skulking about on Election Day, so the rest of us may deduce that a crackpot letter from 11 loonies from the Left fell short of UN intervention standards. For the record, here are the names of the letter's signees: Eddie Bernice Johnson (Texas); Julia Carson (Indiana); Jerrold Nadler, Edolphus Towns, Joseph Crowley, and Carolyn Maloney (all of New York); Raul Grijalva (Arizona); Corrine Brown (Florida); Elijah Cummings (Maryland); Danny K. Davis (Illinois); and Michael M. Honda (California). These reprehensible clowns should be hiding in shame, but are not.   (December 31, 2004)
• Anna Nicole Smith; Ozzy Osbourne's daughter, Kelly; pop singer Shakira; actress Cameron Diaz; Britain's Princess Anne; author Anne Rice; designer Donatella Versace; actress Meg Ryan; and pop stars Christina Aguilera and Pink made up Mr. Blackwell's list of ten worst-dressed people of 2002. I, on the other hand, somehow evaded Blackwell's ceaselessly questing radar. (January 9, 2003)
• Ebbets Field Flannels, a company in Seattle, sells jackets, caps, T-shirts, and uniforms of America's fabled and forgotten minor league baseball teams. My favorites are the truly obscure teams such as the Kalamazoo Celery Pickers of the Michigan-Ontario League in 1923. And how about these: Nevada Lunatics (1903, Missouri Valley Legue), Toledo Glass Sox (1953, American Association), Medicine Hat Mad Hatters (1909, Western Canada League), Joliet Convicts (1891, Illinois-Iowa League), Iola Gasbags (1902, Missouri League), New Iberia Sugar Boys (1920, Louisiana State League), Aurora Hoodoos (1923, Illinois-Iowa League), Des Moines Undertakers (1903, Western Association), Tri-City Atoms (1965, Northwest League), Decatur Commies (1952, Missouri-Ohio Valley League), New Haven Black Crows (1909, Connecticut League), Saginaw Krazy Kats (1911, Southern Michigan League), Waycross Blowhards (1913, Empire State League), Toledo Mud Hens (1965, International League), Tampa Smokers (1951, Florida International League). Awesome.
• And add to the All-Time Great Sports Franchises Names List: The New Hampshire Thunder Loons of the U. S. Basketball League, and the Hickory (NC) Crawdads, the Charleston Riverdogs, and the Kannapolis Intimidators of baseball's Class A Carolina League.
• OK, I'll confess. If reincarnation works and I get to come back for additional rounds, I want to come back as a Ringwraith, those great, dark-cloaked warriors who thundered through the forests in the first of the Lord of The Rings trilogy, The Fellowship of the Rings. They rode gigantic horses, with bloody hooves as big as dinner plates, and were filmed so that you never, ever, saw their faces, only their immense flowing capes shrouding their heads and, occasionally, a hand wrapped in reptilian armor on the reins or slashing with a huge sword. Frank Frazetta, an artist and science fiction illustrator, created a painting some years ago called The Death Dealer. It's the closest thing to a Ringwraith I've ever seen depicted. I wonder if the producers didn't borrow from Frazetta, or hire him to create these beasts. (January 20, 2003)

More Sleepless Nights For The Left

• Another troublemaker's loose. This time it's a "bilingual blogger and illustrator" known among cognoscenti as the Dissident Frogman . He's produced a chart using data from the Stockholm International Peace Research Institute which is poison for the Trash America First Crowd. The facts show that the USSR (57%), France (13%), and--egad! I've misplaced the name of the third-place country--it must be Germany at (12%)--are the world's three leading arms merchants selling weapons to Iran over the last three decades (1973-2002). The Czech Republic is fourth at 7%, Poland fifth at 4%, followed by Brazil, Egypt, Romania, Denmark, and Libya between one and two percent, and, finally, the Antichrist, the USA, at 1%. (From The Weekly Standard , April 14, 2003, edition).
• Add to my list of the most obnoxious people on our planet: Katrina Vanden Heuvel , editor of the Handbook of the Wacko Left, The Nation.
• They're not eligible for the Scorched Corners Famous Nicknames list, but both deserve recognition: Coral "Aroma" Hinshaw Cobb , a lifelong resident of Hamilton and Marion Counties in Indiana, and, from farther north in Silver Lake and at age 95, one Mr. Worby Clinker , both of whom expired in June, 2003.
• Nothing makes me feel uneducated quite as quickly as those lists of books every educated person should have read. Human Events asked 28 scholars (many of them self-admitted conservatives) to vote for their Top 10 Books Every Student Should Read in College. In order from No. 1, they are: The Bible, The Federalist Papers (Hamilton, Jay,and Madison), Democracy in America (Alexis de Tocqueville), The Divine Comedy (Dante Alighieri), The Republic (Plato), The Politics (Arisotle), Nicomachaean Ethics (Aristotle), The City of God (St. Augustine of Hippo), Confessions (St. Augustine of Hippo), and Reflections on the Revolution in France (Edmund Burke). Number of these I've read: 0. (July 15, 2003)

• I'd pay a mandrill's ransom to spend an evening around the campfire with William Hoffman, Merle Miller, Terry Southern, Eric Hoffer, Jean Shepherd, Wilfred Owen, Mark Twain, Richard Matheson, Roger Angell, Robert Ardrey, George Carlin, Harry Truman, Gordon Lightfoot, Li Po, Albert Brooks, Dick Shawn, Jackie Gleason, Ann Coulter, Neil Diamond, Judge John Sirica, Buck Henry, Janis Ian, Dr. Richard Selzer, Ross Lockridge, Jr., William F. Buckley, Jr., Jonathan Winters, Tu Fu, General George Patton, Robin Williams, George Will, Steve Allen, and a few others. (April, 2004)

• A summer issue of The American Enterprise magazine summarized some of the research from the past two years about how the public regards the media and other groups. When asked "Do you trust these groups to tell the truth?" stockbrokers ranked last at 23 percent. Others in the dumpster included lawyers (24%), trade union leaders (30%), members of Congress (35%), journalists (39%), pollsters (44%), and TV newscasters (46%). Most trusted were teachers (80%), doctors (77%), professors (75%) and police officers (69%). Judges, clergymen, accountants, bankers, and the President all fell in the middle with ratings between 65% and 51%. Other research bodes poorly for print journalism and the three major TV networks.   Only 26 percent of 18-to-29-year olds "read a newspaper yesterday" (versus 40 percent in 1990), and only 19% of that group "regularly watches nightly network TV news" (compared to 41% in 1990). Overall and regardless of age, 32 percent watched TV news regularly, compared to 58 percent in 1990.   (August 15, 2003)
• CBS Sports ran a program in 2003 called the "10 Greatest Coaches" in college basketball. I got to watch only sporadically. They ran them backwards, starting with Lute Olsen (Iowa and Arizona) at No. 10. Moving upward, the list included Phog Allen of Kansas at No. 9; Georgetown's John Thompson (8); Pete Newell (California) at No. 7; Hank Iba (6); Kentucky's Adolph Rupp at No. 5; Bob Knight (Army, Indiana, Texas Tech) at No. 4--and about whom the CBS narrator inexplicably and inaccurately stated that " his standards are as high for his players as they are for himself." And then I never got to see another program. Surely, Dean Smith (North Carolina), John Wooden (UCLA) and Coach K at Duke would have been the remaining three. (December 31, 2003)

How'd Texas Slip In There?

• Nine of the 10 largest high school gymnasiums in the United States are in Indiana. New Castle's Chrysler High School fieldhouse is the biggest in the nation with a seating capacity of 9,325. Next are: Anderson (8,996); East Chicago (8,296); Seymour (8,110); Richmond (7,929); Loos High School, Dallas, Texas (7,500), Elkhart (7,373); Michigan City (7,304); Gary West (7,217), and Marion (7,054).   (List printed in USA Today) (December 31, 2003)
• William Stang of Rensselaer, Indiana, wrote to Chicago Tribune columnist Bob Greene to submit a list of five movies he would want with him if stranded on a desert island. One of my all-time favies, Blade Runner, was on the list. The other four were How The West Was Won, The Maltese Falcon, A Night At The Opera, and Saving Private Ryan. (April 10, 2002)

• The arrival of Tim Spooneybarger in an Atlanta Braves uniform this season prompted a USA Today reporter to dig in the archives for 13-lettered surnames. He found that only 13 players before Spooneybarger had made the big leagues with 13-lettered last names. They are: Gene DeMontreville and Lee DeMontreville (1894-1904), Kirk Dressendorfer (1991), Todd Hollandsworth (1995-present), Al Hollingsworth (1935-46), Bonnie Hollingsworth (1922-28), Austin Knickerbocker ((1947), Bill Knickerbocker (1933-42), Kenny Raffensberger (1939-54), Lou Schiappacasse (1902), Ossee Schreckengost (1897-1908), William Van Landingham (1994-97), and Steve Wojciechowski (1995-97). Case Closed? (April 24, 2002)

• Let's nail this for the historical record: The five Watergate burglars were Eugenio Martinez, Bernard Barker, Frank Sturgis (aka Frank Fiorini), James McCord, and Virgilio Gonzalez. Their paymasters were the legendary G. Gordon Liddy and Howard (Nobody Will Recognize Me In This Silly Red Wig and Groucho Glasses) Hunt. (September 13, 2002)

• Wham! Biff! Pow! Ka-Boom! Argh! Yechh! Eeek! Yikes! Egad! Ooof! Bam! Boing! Ka-Ching! Ker-Whoosh! Gadzooks! Ka-Blam! Kreegah! Bundolo! Blundo! Yipes! Ker-Plop! Yeeow! --From a list of cries and pseudo-words found in comic books in the days of our youth on the plains of central Indiana. Additions are welcomed. (October 18, 2002)
• Hewlett Packard, Canon, Epson, Mitsubishi, IBM, Kohler, Bridgestone, Panasonic, Ericsson, Toshiba, Coca Cola, Kentucky Fried Chicken, McDonald’s, A & W Root Beer, Pizza Hut, Siemens, Dairy Queen, M & Ms, Oreo Cookies, Reebok, Wilson, Motorola, Spalding, Citroen, Pepsi, Kodak, Goodyear, Schlotsky’s Deli, AC Delco, British Petroleum, Ikea, Sony, Rainforest Café, Buick, PT Cruiser, VW, Audi, Jeep, Mercedes, Toyota, Honda, Lexus, Isuzu. Kenny Rogers Roasters, Haagen Daaz, Louis Vitton, Michelin, Ford, Lucent—Brand Names seen in Beijing during a three-day visit in March, 2001.

Scorched Corners Famous Nicknames

• Shrewd observers have noted more than once over the years that my hometown, Scorched Corners, Indiana, has produced a disproportionate share of unusual names and nicknames. It's common to see these nicknames used in obituaries in the local paper. Mogo and I keep a file of "Scorched Corners' Famous Names." Herewith a few samples: Boyd "Pig" Shafer, "Press" Horn, "Tude" Raderstorf, "Salty" Kallal, "Buckwheat" Brandt, "Half Pint" Perry, "Buck" Bowsher, "Rags" Jenkins, "Sonny" Condo, "Squack" Baum, "Soakie" Baum, Virgil "Hungry" Baum, "Empty" Baum, "Red" Fansler, "Brown" Hiner, "Bun" Lane, Ron "Snake" Mahoney, "Pa" Stevens, "Goldie" Reems, "Snore" Ryan, "Irish" McGraw, "Wormy" Nevitts, "Bruiser" Frick, "Spank" Mays, Jr., "Bus" Brumbaugh, "Buttercup" Hague, "Buff" Houston, "Toad" Lowe, "Stub" Engelman, "Snuffy" Cohagan, "Pus" Young, Garland "Skee" Garringer, "Coon" Krintz, "Sparky" Roth, "Bidge" Fisher, "Seed" Brady, "Jewdy" Hinshaw, "Hack" Gillespie, "Pinky" Luse, "Achin' Al" Schlegelmilch, "Big Boy" Wandrei, "Fronnie" Sidenbender, "Hoot" Reems, "Jake" Powlen, "Shanty" Nicholas, "Mudcat" Mallott, "Shorty" Spangle, "Punk" Johns, "Sonny Jack" McDonald, "Smokey Joe Spaniard" Luse, "Tyd" Hughes, "Black Ted" Lane, Joe "Sod" Sherman, Lamar "Swifty" Parrish, Dave "Hit It" Parrish ("Swifty's" son), "Chick" Gamble, "Dugan" Switzer, "Pudge" Moyer, "Tuly" Kramer, "Red" Anderson, "Hi" Ellis, "Babe" Gilkerson, Roger "Pigeon" Lawrie, "Spike" Bowsher, "Spike" Keys, "Shorty" Woods, "Wig" Hughes, "Teddy" Gamble, "Foxy" Hughes, "Steamboat" Fulton, "Hound Dog" Siple, "Red" Burns, "Bus" Cottrell, "Boone" Holladay, "Duck" McClean, "Tater" Brandt, "Weasel" Wiseman, "Toad" Keplar, "Frog" Wendt, "Snack" Brock, "Buckskin" Norris, "Wimpy" Voight, "Doc" Ricker, "Katydid" Clear, "Butch" Mull, "Chub" Cornell, "Con" Faker, "Brookfield" Freeman, "Buffalo Shoes" Roberts, "Shorty" Tyler, "Slim" McClean, Harold "Moses" Christianson, James "Jum" (short for "Jumbo") Connell, "Autie" Bowman, "Wee Willie" Houser, "Pinky" Anderson, "Red" Orf, "Butch" Burns, J. C. "Clemmy" Heimlich, "Shorty" Snyder, "Butch" Kummings, "Burly" Starrett, "Peanut" Krintz, "Corky" Secrest, "Wimpy" Richardson, "Gobbler" Roberts, "Pappy" Fee, "Sparky" McFadden, "Brud" Cosgray, "Hump" Muller, Kenny "Turd" Heimlich, "Buck" Roth, "Pilgrim" Altman, "Babe" Alkire, "Slave" Boenning, "Brother Dunc" Duncan, "Skeeter" Dellinger, "Tell" Street, "Scurvy Joe" Brown, "Cotton" Hinshaw, "Precious Pearl" Gardener, "Friday" Good, "Bub" Henderson, "Spinner" Hanna, "Panther" Fisher, "Puss" Hutton, "Sonny" Slenker, "Dirk" Ashton, "Chip" Shields, "Monk" Ward, "Wimpy" Guy, "Dutch" Roth, "Sonny" Capper, "Yummy" Camp, "Buzzie" Foster, "Bubba" Kindle, "Beans" Edwards, "Patience" Murphy, Gerald Dean "Bud" Mummert, "Jap" Ackerman, "Mutt" Braugh, "Mutt" Wert, "Howdy" Britton, "Froggie" Segal, "Casey" Boze, "Dago" Daniels, "Toughy" Heath, "King" Van Voorst, "Niemo" Morgan, "Bunk" Brooks, "Red" Meents", "Roady" Rodenbarger, "Penny" Weiss, "Barney" Ireland, "Dudie" Alvey, "Dude" Medley, "Chub" Thomas, "Bubba" York, "Dee Daw" Allen, "Oopty" Evans, "Pill" Wolf, "Buck" Ring, "Beagle" Cottrell, "Bullet Bob" Viney, "Tub" Sullivan, "Possum" Marquess, "Frosty" Sprowl, "Slim" Brooks, "Porky" Geisler, "Webby" Crisp, "Hap" VanMeter, Delos "Spud" Zarse, "Fud" Fudenski, "Pork" Williams, "Spanky" McClure, "Bean" Halstead, "Peanut" England, "Feet" Dieterle, "Snooky" Widmer, "Cookie" Kuckuck, "Soupy" Guntrip, "Cat" Felix, "Jug" May, "Pud" Reed, "Monk" Connell, "Dutch" Bretzinger, "Speed" Talbutt, "Sud" Owen, "Pot" Chamberlin, "Rink" Conwell, "Crummy" Custer, "Shotgun" Fuller, "Skeeter" Thomas, "Brows" Anderson, "Dollie" Carter, "Chiz" Marvin, "Nub" Brogdon, "Twigg" Caldwell, "Shady" Gingrich, "Runt" Bauman, "Dog" Austin, Samuel E. "Mohair" Johns, Sr., Clara "Quack" Sterrett, Clarence "Kisser" Burns, "Moon" Mullins, "Dobber" Mullins, Harold "Piper" Heidrick, Lloyd "Trail" Long, and Ronald "Scruffy" Feldt. We had our share of real names that qualify, too: Ziza Maude Rogers, Maucie Kassabaum, Ida Sass, Shaker Hites, Gertie Smoker, Fanny Inskeep, Lyda Wigmore, Effie Hobaugh, Unabelle Buschman, Orlo Schoop, Ocea Beets, Reola McKinley, Bertha Peet, Emma E. "Grandma Great" Alberts, Wimimac, Uncas, and Wilse Woodcock (three brothers), Meta Sword, Kaptola Troxell, Patience Cooley, Burnley Miracle, Flossie Inskeep, Leota Thomas, Stuckie Ireland, Claude Butts, Winona Arrick, Pansy Spencer, Pansy Grassmyer, Cathilla Jane Burroughs, Rufus and Leonard Babb (brothers), Cyril Prevo, Elsie Anwiler, Ola and Minnie Turnipseed (sisters), and Murderene Dyer. Scary, huh? (June 24, 2005)

• Scanning a list of Texas cities, towns, and counties I find these delights: Grit, Gun Barrel City, Veal Station, Hackberry, Happy, Zippville, Wizard Wells, Wink, Pancake, Yard, Noonday, LaTuna, Klump, Loco, Mudville, Drasco, Dimple, Dime Box, Chocolate Bayou, Raisin, Raccoon Bend, Ragtown, Point Blank, Dogridge, Fort Spunky, Climax, Cat Spring, Blanket, Soda, Pert, Pretty, Placid, Pluck, Skeeterville, Cut and Shoot, Dripping Springs, Early, Edge, Elevation, Flower Mound, Eulogy, Flat, Cool, Clyde, Clute, Cactus, Bug Tussle, Stampede, Bear Grass, Razor, Coal Mine, Impact, Glaze City, Gibtown, Kermit, Latch, Ding Dong, Deaf Smith, Refuge, Slide, Stout, Tool, Stranger, Halfway, Jim Hogg, Skidmore, Cost, Crow, Bigfoot, Cotton, Cut, Halfway, Banana Junction, Needmore, and Looneyville. I'd be be proud to live in any one of these fine localities. (March 26, 2000)

• The Indianapolis Star's contribution to the second millenium was to conduct a 10 Greatest Hoosiers of the 20th Century contest among its readers. As it did in an earlier 50 Greatest Hoosier Basketball Players affair, precious little definition was provided. Nobody attempted to define what one had to do to be considered a Hoosier. The results suggest not much. Over 6,752 ballots poured in from readers. The Star's ballot listed 65 people but left off such luminaries as former Governor Otis Bowen, and the GOP's 1940 presidential candidate, Wendell Willkie (somebody had to make room for John Cougar Mellenkamp, Bill Blass, James Dean and Orville Redenbacher). I pondered the ballot, wrote a note to the Star that they'd certainly included some preposterous nominees, and chose only four I thought qualified as truly significant (my definition excludes all athletes and celebrities from any list based on serious contributions to the human species): Eli Lilly, Herman B Wells, Eugene V. Debs, and--who's the fourth? The winner and top-ranked was Eli Lilly, followed in order in the Top 10 by James Whitcomb Riley, Ernie Pyle, Cole Porter, Virgil Grissom, Hoagy Carmichael, Red Skelton, Madame C. J. Walker, Larry Bird, and Tony Hulman. Senator Richard Lugar was 11th, followed by Johnny Wooden, Ryan White, Theodore Hesburgh, Lew Wallace, Jane Pauley, Oscar Robertson, and J. Irwin Miller. Indiana basketball Coach Bob Knight was 35th with 600 votes. If you eliminate sports figures, rock and music performers, TV and movie celebrities and pop culture icons, the list of 65 shrinks by about 40 percent. My candidates for most absurd inclusion would be race driver Jeff Gordon, politician Evan Bayh, Redenbacher, David Letterman, Jane Pauley, Reggie Miller, Dean, and Mellenkamp. But at least it did give us something other than reality to occupy our minds for a brief respite. (December 31, 1999)

• And just as the silo doors close over me, I offer my five favorite characters (and a sixth as a group entry) from fiction: Guy Grand from Terry Southern's The Magic Christian; Kermit Sligo, the miner and union organizer in William Hoffman's The Dark Mountains; Angus McCloud, from another Hoffman book, A Place for My Head; Joshua Bland, from Merle Miller's A Gay and Melancholy Sound; Ash Burlefoot, from two novels by Swedish author Agnar Mykle, Lasso Round the Moon and Song of the Red Ruby; and as a group entry, the entire rollicking cast of Dr. Strangelove by Peter George: General Buck Turgidson (George C. Scott), General Jack D. Ripper (Sterling Hayden), Group Captain Lionel Mandrake (Peter Sellers), President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Col. Bat Guano (Keenan Wynn), Major "King" Kong, who piloted the great B-52 named The Leper Colony (Slim Pickens), and of course, the inimitable Dr. Strangelove himself (Peter Sellers). (December 31, 1999)

• Peaches and I spent $7 apiece to see the movie Blade, starring Wesley Snipes and Kris Kristofferson, who should know better. It's apparently based on a comic book character who wages eternal war against vampires. Peaches walked out in the movie's first five minutes. I stayed till about halftime, then left. Blade drenches viewers in blood, from an early "bloodbath" scene featuring overhead sprinklers in a vampire nightclub, to countless episodes of characters gnawing open victims' throats or munching on the stumps of severed hands—all amid gushing fountains of blood—to spears, hooks, swords and knives dismembering bodies. There are endless sprays of Uzi fire, explosions, cocaine-snorting, and injections in penthouse and nightclub settings, lots of male and female vampires licking blood off each other's faces. In our view this is an evil film, and certainly one with no redeeming social value. I'd rank it alongside Pulp Fiction in my personal sewer as one of the most despicable films I've ever seen. It is a film which cannot but wound the human spirit. (September 26, 1998)

• How about a lifetime ban for the following, from whom we've seen and heard enough to last a lifetime: Norman Mailer, Kurt Vonnegut, Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, Donna Shalala, Maya Angelou, Howard Metzenbaum, Alan Alda, Garry Trudeau, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, Socks Clinton, Roger Clinton, Tommy Smothers, Dickie Smothers, Bette Midler, The Rainbow Coalition, Dean Martin, Manuel Norriega, Bo Schembechler, Bianca Jagger, Jimmy Swaggart, David Brinkley, Morley Safer, Ed Bradley, John McEnroe, Don King, Larry King, Coretta King, Michael Jackson, Spike Lee, Jim McMahon, John Thompson, Vidal Sassoon, Alan Dershowitz, Jose Canseco, The Gabor Family, Jesse Jackson, O. J. Simpson, Frank Zappa, Rep. Dan Rostenkowski, Amy Carter, Michael Dukakis, The Reagan Children, Jimmy Carter, Gerald Ford, Rep. Barney Frank, Joan Rivers, Lloyd Bentsen, Ex-Rep. Buzz Lukens, Ed Koch, Donald Dinkins, Richard Simmons, Sonny Bono, Cher, Bob Trumpy, Tawanna Brawley, Marion Barry, Jane Pauley, Morton Downey, Jr., Tony Mandarich , Rev. Al Sharpton, John Denver, Madonna, Sean Penn, Donald Trump, Ivana Trump, Marla Maples, Woody Allen, Mia Farrow, Frank Sinatra, Oliver North, Jim and Tammy Fay, George McGovern, Time, Newsweek, The New York Times, Sylvester Stallone, Pete Rose, Johnny Cochran,The Washington Post, Pat Nixon, Stephen Gobie, Sen. Edward Kennedy, Willie Kennedy, Joseph Kennedy, Jane Fonda, Ted Turner, The ACLU, Harrison Salsbury, Ed Asner, Buddy Ryan, Mick Jagger, George Steinbrenner, Imelda Marcos, Michael Kinsley, John "Air" Sununu, Jesse Helms, Contras, Sandanistas, John Updike, Alexander Haig, Rep. Jim Wright, Rep. Ron Dellums, Rep. Maxine Waters, Eddie Murphy, S.I. Hayakawa, Garry Wills, Carl Rowan, Albert Shankar, Gary Hart, Bob Woodward, Yasser Arafat, Sen. John Kerry, Arthur Schlesinger, Fawn Hall, Timothy Leary, Roman Polanski , Bert Lance, Tip O'Neil, T. Boone Pickens, Carl Icahn, Louis Farrakhan, Ivan Boesky, Jessica Hahn, Edwin Meese, USA Today, Esquire, Walter Cronkite, Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, Barbara Jordan, Sally Quinn, Hugh Hefner, Larry Flynt, Gloria Steinem, Sen. Chuck Robb, Lowell Weicker, Daniel Schorr, John Connally, Mario Cuomo, Anita Hill, Phil Donahue, Cat Stevens , Bob Barker, Cesar Chavez, Tony Coelho, Laurence Tribe, Paul Schaffer, David Letterman, Jay Leno, Geraldo Rivera, Geraldine Ferraro, Vernon Jarrett, Robin Givens, Bella Abzug, Serbs, Croats, Muslims, Hercegovinians, Macedonians, Bosnians, Brian Bosworth, Eric Dickerson, Ted Danson, Lyndon LaRouche, David Duke, Garrisson Keillor, Gore Vidal, William Sloan Coffin, Arsenio Hall, Pat Schroeder, Sister Souljah, Leona Helmsley, Ed Vrdolyak, Carol Moseley-Braun, Oprah Winfrey, Axl Rose, Shannon Doherty, Anna Quindlen, Charles Jaco, Wolf Blitzer, Mike Ditka, Rickey Henderson, Bob Knight, Bobby Bonilla, Barry Bonds, Chris Collinsworth, Rob Dibble, Lou Piniella, Dean Smith, Denny Crum, Darryl Strawberry, Charles Barkley, Isiah Thomas, Chuck Person, Albert Gore, Sen. Joseph Biden, Dan Quayle, Tipper Gore, Wayne Newton, Bobby Fischer, Henry Kissinger, Mayor Richard Daley, Tom Foley, Richard Dreyfus, Jack Nicholson, Charles Keating, Roseanne Barr, Andrew Dice Clay, Victor Kiam, Jeff George, Deion Sanders, Tom Wolfe, Howard Stern, Andre Agassi, Sinead O'Connor, Jerry Brown, James Carville, Oliver Stone, Fabio, The Naked Guy, Deney Tereo, Merv Griffin, Dick Cavett, Barbra Streisand, Michael Bolton, Sen. Bob Packwood, Queer Nation, ACT-Up, The Religious Left, The Religious Right, Sam Wyche, Michael Milken, John Chaney, Marlee Matlin, Pam Carter, Sen. Christopher Dodd, New York State, New York City, Sen. John Warner, Jerry Lewis, Ice-T, The British Royal Family, Magic Johnson, Elton John, Sen. George Mitchell, Bob Dylan, Nelson Mandela, Winnie Mandela, Bob Beckel, Ellen Goodman, Gov. Evan Bayh of Indiana, Eleanor Clift, Bjorn Borg, Lou Holtz, Dick Rosenthal, Mike Royko, The Benneton Company, Salman Rushdie, Sam Donaldson, Rep. Henry Waxman, Spike Lee, Bobby Inman, Cornell West, Lute Olsen, Frank Zappa, Dick Morris, Nancy Kerrigan, Tonya Harding, Jeff Gillooly, Shane Stant, Sen. John Glenn, Lani Guinier, Cokie Roberts, Peter Edelman, Marian Wright Edelman, Robert Bly, Black Jack McDowell, George Bush, Richard Darman, Nicholas Brady, John Frohnmayer, Christo, Robert Mapplethorpe, The Simpsons, William Kunstler, The McLaughlin Group, F. Lee Bailey, NAMBLA, Rep. Charles Rangle, Judy Woodruff, Mike Tyson, Rep. Barbara Boxer, Albert Belle, Rep. Dianne Feinstein, Dennis Rodman, Hugh Downs, Mike McCurry, Rep. David Bonior, Judge Lance Ito, Harold Ickes , Webster Hubbell, Meg Greenfield, Susan Webber Wright, Sheryl Crow, Rosie O'Donnell, Burt Reynolds, Tony Randall, Rex Reed, Cynthia McKinney, Eddie Bernice Johnson, Julia Carson, Jerrold Nadler, Sammy Sosa, Ron Artest, Terry McAuliffe, Paul Begala, Senator Carl Levin, Bill Press, Margaret Carlson, Alcee Hastings, Mark Shields, John Podesta, Rahm Emanuel, Sean Hannity, Katrina Vanden Heuvel, Chris Matthews, Gary Condit, Katie Couric, Charlie Sheen, Michael Moore, Al Franken, Tom Daschle, Candace Crowley, Nancy Pelosi, Senator Patrick Leahy, Senator Jim Jeffords,
  
  Some of these creatures may be dead. If so, let's hope they stay there. Being dead doesn't keep you off the list. And now a dilemma: I know the list is incomplete. But if I keep waiting, watching for names to add, it'll be maybe never before it gets shipped out. So I'll stop here, life's work (temporarily) incomplete. But at least we keep it movin'. (June 15, 1997)

Age-Old Sadness

• On Gordon Liddy's recommendation, we watched the movie, "Braveheart," starring Mel Gibson in the role of William Wallace, a 13th century Scotsman who led a rebellion against the English throne and King Edward. The film was heavy on the ugliness of the average person's life in those times, and loaded with much gore and savagery in its brutal hand-to-hand combat. Severed heads and limbs flew, skulls, faces and chests spurted blood as axes, pikes, machettes, broadswords, clubs and maces flailed wildly. Wallace came to a sad end, of course. He was betrayed by his own countrymen, a clique of nobles more interested in protecting their own wealth and sinecures than in obtaining their country's freedom from the English. Wallace was tortured and beheaded. His body was hacked to pieces and taken to "the four corners of the kingdom" as a warning to the rabble. Robert The Bruce, whose name--for reasons not made clear in "Braveheart"--is immortalized in Scottish history, is portrayed as a venal, cowardly, gutless conniver in this film. When I remarked afterward to Peaches how much the betrayal and brutality aspects of the film upset me, she agreed and noted that "Braveheart" is an age-old story, the story of people savaged by their conquerors, jailers, and leaders throughout human history. It is the horrific story of American blacks, of Cambodians, Chinese, Kurds, American Indians, Jews, gypsies, Poles, enslaved African blacks, of peasants and kulaks starved and slaughtered by Stalin, and countless other victims of uniquely human bestiality. Only humans kill and torture for the sheer joy and fun of it. And William Wallace was just one among hundreds of millions of victims in this sad tableau, which continues to the present moment. (April 9, 1996)

• James Bowman, the American Spectator's movie critic, has offered a 1992 list of the best and worst films of the last 25 years. Bowman's Best: The Graduate, Midnight Cowboy, Patton, Five Easy Pieces, The Godfather (I and II), One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, Star Wars, The Deer Hunter, Batman, Miller's Crossing. Bowman's Worst: Easy Rider, Zabriskie Point, Capricorn One, Kramer vs. Kramer, Apocalypse Now, E.T., Field of Dreams, Born on the Fourth of July, Fried Green Tomatoes, JFK. Bowman's Honorable Mention List included The Taxi Driver, Deliverance, A Clockwork Orange, and Midnight Cowboy. I can't quite narrow my own list to a Top Ten...but here's my Favies List: Becket, Blade Runner, Patton, The Graduate, The Godfather, Star Wars, Breaker Morant, Dr. Zhivago, Lonely Are The Brave, Lord of The Rings, Love at First Bite, One-Eyed Jacks, The Out-of-Towners, Psycho, Shane, Silver Streak, The Stepford Wives, Wall Street, Talk Radio, The Thing (1982 version by John Carpenter), Waterhole No. 3, Network, and Dr. Strangelove.

Best Book Never Made Into A Movie and I Can't Comprehend Why Department

• Two Nominees: A Place for My Head by William Hoffman, and A Gay and Melancholy Sound by Merle Miller.

• If I had to pick, say, three all-time top movies, I'd go with Network, Dr. Strangelove, and Becket, with 10 or so others running close behind. God, this is a tough assignment!

• John Carpenter's The Thing (1982) is by far the scariest film I've ever seen. You never again look at your pet dog in quite the same way.

Johnny's Legends. . .

• Thinking about Jonathan Winters just now, and the names of his many characters: Tick Bitterford, Senator Winglow, Coach Bayner, Dr. Faversham, Walter Treppling, Chief Crying Trout, Silver Bear, Willis Mumfert, Howard Ganglinger, Maude Frickert, Dr. Maynard G. Golo, Clyde Deevers, Paul Kratchlow, Speed Davis, The Maverly Brothers (Carl Bob was one), Gene Fondlinger, Allison Frobish, Grandpa Bellencourt, Terry Thai (from Thailand), Father Duffy, Tiger Elliott, Grinelda Thurmer, Captain Elgin Howard, Price Boothcourt, Melvin Gohard, Lamar Gene Gumbody, Oscar Devling, Elwood P. Suggins, Princess Mary Louise Louise, First Lieutenant Matthews, Gunnery Sergeant Grider, Lance Loveguard, Daniel Douglas Diddle (and his wife, Puffy), Billy Bigbody, Eddie Eager, Allen Gooliddy, Red Dawson, Scratchy, and more. Awesome! (March 6, 1992)

• Nobody asked me but. . .if I was asked to list the saddest, most gut-wrenching songs I've ever heard, these would make my all-time list: North Country Blues (Bob Dylan), Bob Dylan's Dream (Bob Dylan), Sunday Mornin' Comin' Down (Kris Kristofferson), Adagio for Strings (Samuel Barber), What'll I Do? (Johnny Mathis), Flashdance--What A Feelin' (Irene Cara), The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald (Gordon Lightfoot), The Pony Man (Gordon Lightfoot), Don Quixote (Gordon Lightfoot), Triangle (Gordon Lightfoot), Song For A Winter's Night (Gordon Lightfoot), All The Fair Young Maidens (Gordon Lightfoot), Lovin' Her Was Easier Than Anything I'll Ever Do Again (Kris Kristofferson), At Seventeen (Janis Ian), Tea and Sympathy (Janis Ian), Deportees (Judy Collins), Send in The Clowns (Judy Collins), Gravity and The Next Time Around by Alison Kraus + Union Station. Gotta be more, too, but this is a good start. (March, 1992)

• My all-time college athletic program pooplist? In more or less the order of repugnance: Notre Dame, Kentucky, North Carolina, Georgetown, Michigan. Two of those, I'll admit, make the list more because I find their coaches offensive than for any other reason: North Carolina (Dean Smith) and Georgetown (John Thompson). Even I'm a little puzzled why Purdue doesn't make the list. Michigan got on there originally because of Bo Schembechler. Louisiana State could be added, now that I think of it, and Illinois.

My recommended reading list includes

• A Gay and Melancholy Sound (Merle Miller)
  A Place for My Head (William Hoffman)
  The Dark Mountains (William Hoffman)
  A Death of Dreams (William Hoffman)
  Confessions of a Knife (Richard Selzer)
  Mortal Lessons (Richard Selzer)
  The Territorial Imperative (Robert Ardrey)
  African Genesis (Robert Ardrey)
  The Portable Curmudgeon (Jon Winokur)
  I Am Legend (Richard Matheson)
  Generation of Vipers (Philip Wylie)
  Judgment at Nuremberg (Robert Conot)
  All The President's Men (Woodward/Bernstein)
  Something of Value (Robert Ruark)
  Terrible Swift Sword (Bruce Catton)
  The Coming Fury (Bruce Catton)
  Never Call Retreat (Bruce Catton)
  A Stillness at Appomattox (Bruce Catton)
  Glory Road (Bruce Catton)
  Mr. Lincoln's Army (Bruce Catton)
  How Democracies Perish (Jean-Francois Revel)
  The True Believer (Eric Hoffer)
  The Temper of Our Times (Eric Hoffer)
  Dracula (Bram Stoker)
  Reflections on the Human Condition (Eric Hoffer)
  Working and Thinking on the Waterfront (Eric Hoffer)
  Future Shock (Alvin Toffler)
  The Magic Christian (Terry Southern)
  Dr. Strangelove (Peter George)
  Lasso Round the Moon (Agnar Mykal)
  Song of the Red Ruby (Agnar Mykal)
  The Accidental Tourist (Anne Tyler)
  Fortune's Child (Lewis Lapham)
  Where Am I Now--When I Need Me? (George Axelrod)
  Best Evidence (David Lifton)
  Fatal Vision (Joe McGinness)
  The Nixon Watch (John Osborne)
  Intellectuals (Paul Johnson)
  The Maxims of LaRochefoucald (F. de la Rochefoucald)
  Raintree County (Ross Lockridge, Jr.)
  Ordinary People (Judith Guest)
  The Image (Daniel Boorstin)
  A Rumor of War (Philip Caputo)
  American Dreams Lost & Found (Studs Terkel)
  Five Seasons (Roger Angell)
  The Boys of Summer (Roger Kahn)
  The Oxford History of the American People (S. Morrison)
  Letters from the Earth (Mark Twain)
  Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand)
  The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand)
  TRB (Richard Strout)
  Catch-22 (Joseph Heller)
  Our Culture: What's Left Of It (Theodore Dalrymple)
  How To Talk To A Liberal (If You Must) (Ann Coulter)
  Small Game (John Blades)
  100 Poems from The Chinese (Kenneth Rexroth)
  Imperial Masquerade (Lewis Lapham)
  Liberty Under Siege (Walter Karp)
  Inside American Education (Thomas Sowell)
  Poems of the Hundred Names (Henry H. Hart)
  The Jade Mountain (Witter Bynner and Kiang Kang-Hu)
  Plus Chapter 15 of Tom Wolfe's book, The Bonfire of the Vanities. I'm indifferent to the book as a whole, but that single chapter is awesome. (September 22, 1992)

• The Larry King Live show just called wanting a list of my favorite words. Here they are: Steatopygia, Insipid, Rapturous, Aperture, Orifice, Eerie, Blue Darter, Bilge, Grotesque, Rite, Bulbous, Buffoon, Tuberous, Hobgoblin, Slam, Balloon, Scrofulous, Spittle, Sump, Egregious, Massive, Absurd, Hermetically, Ridiculous, Twit, Twinkle, Wazoo, Burly, Cackle, Lunatic, Evanescent, Bilious, Babble, Flak, Turgid, Scuttle, Pneumatic, Billowing, Mandrill, Oboe, Chimpanzee, Babboonlike, Throw-Weight, Hog, Cretin, Mongoloid, Simian, Xylem, Phloem, Mufti, Mangy, Grapple, Shards, Scramble, Gobbets, Shroud, Moronic, Barff, Abominable, Jowls, Livid, Preposterous, Dyspeptic, Babboon, Deviant, Abusive, Hostile, Apoplectic, Twaddle, Treacle, Tuna, Yo Yo, Hawnyock, Fungible, Scumbag, Festooned, Akimbo, Bovine, Unctuous, Silo, Mongrel, Wheedle, Bombastic, Highfalutin.

• Scroggs.Frimp. Garschtunkina. Halavah. Icily. Easily. Frostily. Poon. Towering. Lurking. Fishtailing. Seeker. Baron. Staffman. Lungily. Banff. Woach. Kreegah. Bundolo. Muffily. Blade. Cods. Wazoo. Wang. Wolfing. Scoring. Flapping. Lonzo. Brachiating. Musketeers. The Old Soft Shooter. The Old Blaster. Seekingly. Mange. Grunge. Scrounge. Stonetwig. Puffy. Vreeble. Melvin B. Neanderthal. Ku? Farschimmelter. Rozzer. Icy volumes.The Great Lurking Heap. Frosties. Frickert. Crack 'em. Diver. Reeler. Beeler. Watergobbler. Clown. Pits. Barff. Sugar midgets. Thrashing. Flailing. Bounding. Bailing. To your liege, the rightful heir to the throne. Gohard. Ganglinger. Frickert. Zazu. Mangy Blind Coon. Lemuel. Milo. Scurvy Joe. Maverly Brothers. Golden volumes. Turd. Gruel. Lizard. Bombed. Plastered. Minnikensville. Ripping. Laundry. Skivvies. Massive. Foaming. Reeking. Frigga. Trashpipes. Hyareeghie. Shakes. Sonzie. Stench. Church key. Maynard. Lonzo. Dr. Golo. Humper. Barberries. James Beam. Wailing. Gribney. The Old Rancher. Compadres. Hotrail. Glass packs. Twitching. Hauling. Cackling. Fibbish. Chunks. Flickings. Mumfert. Crack. Grapple. Flop. Flounder. Rot-reeking. Lenny. Gordo. Gruntballs. Whiz. Screamer. Load. Dropping. Dropsy. Jomo. Kubu. Murleyville. Breghie. Brackow. First Lieutenant Matthews. Sailcat. Linger Lager. Fooongawyeeeyatanana. Rivet. Keg. Blech. Yech. Scumsucker. Quiver. Bent. Bung. Babbler. Pig. Browneye. Geezer. Hog. Motley. Fire-brewed delight. Greebus. Hocker. Lunger. Moon. Poop du jour.  (Word selections from The Schlepper Letters, the author's 1957-1995 correspondence and conversations with a friend, Tom John Neidlinger.)

Just For The Record Book

• The United States Senate's famed "Keating Five" consisted of: Dennis DeConcini (D-Arizona) and Donald W. Riegle, Jr. (D-Michigan) at forwards, Alan Cranston (D-California) in the pivot, and John Glenn (D-Ohio) and John McCain (R-Arizona) at the guard spots. Nail it!

Durning Has An Olympic Moment In Hudsucker

• There's a scene in the opening 10 minutes of The Hudsucker Proxy (starring Tim Robbins and Paul Newman) which immediately leapt to my Top Five All-Time Greatest Video Moments list. It's best left undescribed, but it involves a scene in the Hudsucker Industries corporate board room and features character actor Charles Durning in a truly Olympic gold medal performance, one capped by Newman's observation that it's a shame to waste a good Macanudo. Durning's cameo by itself is worth the rental price. I commend it to you. (August 2, 1995)

• The Shipping News, a novel by Annie Proulx and set in Newfoundland fishing villages, chronicles the hardscrabble lives of the natives in this land wracked by savage winter storms, year-around poverty and a dying fishing industry. Proulx writes with rare style and insight. Her writing skills are little short of amazing. (November 10, 1995)

• A nomination for the Great Names List: Pino Pipes, a University of North Carolina-Charlotte basketball player. (December 20, 1995)

• I've written down a list of every place I've ever lived:  Scorched Corners, Bloomington, Twaddle Creek, Fort Leonard Wood (Missouri), Ayer (Massachusetts), Torii Station (Okinawa), Vile Gorge, Mudwench, North Manchester, Granger, Indianapolis, Enema Falls, Hard Cheese. I assigned a numerical value to the first letter of each (A=1, B=2, and so on), and added them up. They total 202.  At one point in the early 1980s, they added up to 147.  Seven, of course, was Mickey Mantle's number, and the middle digit in our Scorched Corners telephone number back in the 1950s when three-digit numbers were all the rage (679 was ours). But what do you suppose the number 202 means?  They average 11.2222. I search for clues as the lamplight flickers o'er.  There must be an answer in there somewhere.

IU's Basketball Recruits By Year? Let's Have A Peek

• This list  is an attempt to compile an all-inclusive list of athletes who were offered and who accepted IU basketball scholarships. Not all ultimately enrolled at Indiana (See Note 1). Some were junior college transfers. Those in boldface type  left the program before completing their eligibility in Bloomington. Corrections are welcomed.

  1971--Steve Ahlfeld, Doug Allen, Steve Green, John Kamstra, John Laskowski
  1972--Tom Abernethy, Quinn Buckner, Jim Crews, Scott May, Don Noort, Bob Wilkerson, Craig Morris
  1973--Kent Benson
  1974--Wayne Radford, Jim Wisman, Mark Haymore, Larry Bird
  1975--Scott Eells, Rich Valavicius, Bob Bender, Jim Roberson
  1976--Butch Carter, Mike Woodson, Glen Grunwald, Derek Holcomb, Billy Cunningham, Mike Miday
  1977--Phil Isenbarger, Eric Kirchner, Steve Risley, Ray Tolbert, Tommy Baker, Don Cox
  1978--Landon Turner, Randy Wittman, Ted Kitchel
  1979--Steve Bouchie, Tony Brown, Isiah Thomas, Jim Thomas, Chuck Franz
  1980--Mike LaFave, Craig Bardo
  1981--Dan Dakich, Uwe Blab, Winston Morgan, Cam Cameron, John Flowers, Rick Rowray
  1982--Stew Robinson, Mike Giomi, Tracy Foster
  1983--Steve Alford, Todd Meier, Daryl Thomas, Courtney Witte, Marty Simmons
  1984--Steve Eyl, Joe Hillman, Kreigh Smith, Brian Sloan, Magnus Pelkowski, Delray Brooks
  1985--Jeff Oliphant, Todd Jadlow, Rick Calloway, Andre Harris, Lenell Moore (1)
  1986--Dean Garrett, Keith Smart, Tony Freeman, David Minor
  1987--Mark Robinson, Lyndon Jones, Jay Edwards
  1988--Eric Anderson, Jamal Meeks, Matt Nover, Mike D'Aloisio, John (Chuckie) White
  1989--Calbert Cheaney, Greg Graham, Pat Graham, Chris Reynolds, Todd Leary, Lawrence Funderburke, Chris Lawson
  1990--Damon Bailey, Pat Knight
  1991--Alan Henderson, Brian Evans, Todd Lindeman
  1992--Malcolm Sims
  1993--Rob Eggers, Sherron Wilkerson, Richard Mandeville, Steve Hart, Rob Foster, Monty Marcaccini (Note 1)
  1994--Andrae Patterson, Neil Reed, Charlie Miller, Michael Hermon, Rob Hodgson
  1995--Haris Mujezinovic, Lou Moore, Chris Rowles, Larry Richardson
  1996--Jason Collier, Michael Lewis, A.J. Guyton, Luke Jiminez
  1997--Luke Recker, Kirk Haston, Rob Turner, William Gladness
  1998--Dane Fife, Lynn Washington, Jarrad Odle, Kyle Hornsby
  1999--Trey Ferguson (Note 1), Tom Coverdale, George Leach, Jeff Newton
  2000--Jared Jeffries, Mike Roberts, A. J. Moye, Andre Owens
  2001--Donald Perry, Sean Kline
  2002--Marshall Strickland, Bracey Wright, Daryl Pegram, Roderick Wilmont
  2003--Jessan Gray-Ashley, Patrick Ewing, Jr.
  2004--Robert Vaden, James Hardy, D. J. White, Josh Smith, A. J. Ratliff, Robert Rothbart, Lucas Steijn, Julius Ashby
  2005--Joey Shaw, Ben Allen, Marco Killingsworth, Lewis Monroe, Earl Calloway, Cem Dinc
  2006--Deonta Vaughn, Armon Bassett, Xavier Keeling, Mike White, Lance Stemler
  2007--Brandon McGee, Jamarcus Ellis, Elijah Holman, Eric Gordon, Jordan Crawford
  2008--Jonathan “Bud” Mackey, Eshaunte Jones

  Walk-ons (first season played): Trent Smock (1972-73), Steve Reisch (1978-79), Ross Hales (1993-94), Jean Paul (1994-95), Kevin Lemme (1995-96), Antwaan Randle-El (1998-99), Tom Geyer (1999-2000), Ryan Tapac (2001-2002), Scott May, Jr. (2001-02), Mark Johnson (2001-02), Joe Haarman (2002-03), Jason Stewart (2002-03), Errek Suhr (2004-06), Adam Ahlfeld (2004-06), Kyle Taber (2005-06)

  Footnotes: Note 1: Lenell Moore, a 6-7 forward out of Indianapolis Shortridge High School and Allen County (Kansas) Junior College, accepted an IU scholarship in the spring-summer of 1985 but in late summer reneged and enrolled at another school. Lou Moore, a Fall, 1995, junior college recruit, may hold the record for the "shortest playing career for players actually arriving on campus" honor--he played 27 minutes in three games before quitting the team around November 30, 1995. Trey Ferguson, Monty Marcaccini, Robert Rothbart, Josh Smith, Deonta Vaughn and Julius Ashby were offered and accepted scholarships, but reneged (Smith to go pro, Rothbart to play in France) before ever enrolling at IU

  Bold Print Names: Left the program before exhausting basketball eligibility, either by transfer to another school, dismissal, prep school, disappearance, quitting the team, or playing professionally.

  Total Recruits--160 in 37 years (includes McGee, Ellis, Holman, Crawford and Gordon for 2007)

  Average Player Separations Per Year--1.513 (56 over 37 years)

  Probability an IU recruit will use all years of eligibility--All players (99 of 155 or 56.6 percent). (Assumes all players on present roster (November 2006) stay for the duration.) (Updated as of November 22, 2006)

Voting ‘No’ On English

• Evan Bayh (IN), Daniel Akaka (HI), Joe Biden (DE), Jeff Bingaman (NM), Barbara Boxer (CA), Maria Cantwell (WA), Hillary Clinton (NY), Mark Dayton (MN), Christopher Dodd (CT), Peter Domenici (NM), Richard Durbin (IL), Russ Feingold (WI), Diane Feinstein (CA), Tom Harkin (IA), Daniel Inouye (HI), Jim Jeffords (VT), Teddy Kennedy (CH), John Kerry (MA), Herb Kohl (WI), Mary Landrieu (LA), Frank Lautenberg (NJ), Patrick Leahy (VT), Carl Levin (MI), Joe Lieberman (CT), Frank Menendez (NJ), Barbara Mikulski (MD), Patty Murray (WA), Barak Obama (IL), Jack Reed (RI), Harry Reid (NV), Ken Salazar (CO), Paul Sarbanes (MD),  Charles Schumer (NY), Debbie Stabenow (MI), and Ron Wyden (OR)—Names of 35 Senators who voted in July againstmaking English the official language of the United States. All but Domenici are Democrats, though Jeffords self-identifies as an Independent. A flurry of such bills have drawn consistently stout Democrat opposition. The most recent attempt, Senate Bill 3828 (The National Language Act of 2006, introduced by Republican Senator James Inhofe of Oklahoma), was referred to the Committee on Homeland Security on August 3, 2006. (November 20, 2006)

• Add to the magnificent list of all-time great sports team nicknames: the Tennessee Mud Frogs (now in the American Basketball Association). (December 29, 2006)

My 35 Most Obnoxious People Of Year 2006

• Jacques Chirac, Kofi Annan, Rosie O’Donnell, Cynthia McKinney, (Indianapolis Star columnist) Dan Carpenter, Patrick Bauer, Hillary Clinton, Patrick Leahy, Michael Richards, Jon Stewart, Bill Maher, Carl Levin, The Senator From Chappaquiddick, Al Gore, John Kerry, Lincoln Chaffee, John Murtha, Mel Gibson, Bob Knight, Pat Knight, Britney Spears, Ward Churchill, Kid Rock and Pam Anderson, Molly Ivins, Ray Nagin, Paris Hilton, Donald Trump, Sacha Baron Cohen, Dan Rather, Cindy Sheehan, Sean Hannity, Hugo Chavez, Jimmy Carter, Howard Dean.  (December 31, 2006)

• My favorite discovery of 2006: Lewis Black, a standup comedian Peaches and I had never heard of till we stumbled across the tail-end of one of his shows on The Comedy Channel one December evening.  His “delivery” is the secret to his appeal for me: manic, angry, eye-rolling, shuddering, tic-ridden, twitchy, sweating, jowl-shaking, and barking and spitting out words with the force of machine gun bullets. He is a constant surprise, too, because he consistently appears on stage well-groomed and well-dressed, often in a suit and tie--a real novelty in this age of stink, slovenliness, armpits, strap T-shirt underwear, grunge, grizzle and grotesqueness.  Peaches says his act reminds her a great deal of my breakfast table rants while reading the morning paper—except, of course, for the suit part. Lewis is over-the-top hysterically funny and I’d pay money to spend an evening in his company.  (December 31, 2006)

• The parade of notable nicknames seems never to end. From the Indianapolis Star (mostly the obit columns) in 2006 came:  Kevin “Geeter” Cannon, Frank “Schoolboy” Bobbit, Jr., Ronald G. “Grumpy” Lumpkin, Elizabeth “Teaser” Mays, Raymond D. “Pops” Cox, Emmett Lee “Catnip” Stowers,Kenneth “Jaybird” Ratliff, William “Button” Reed, Verdell “Voot” Davis, Anthony D. “Big Man” Sanders, Frederick W.  “Spilly Billy” Pothast, Jr., Bernice “Bunny” Nolting, Willie Jasper “Boot” Culpepper, Willis H. “Bun” Hardy, Thomas “Jinks” Albrecht, Charles E. “Ezy” Dixson, Jr., Marvin J. “Eagle” Northcutt, Gary “Bootsy” Kendrick, Sr., Jaron “Lil Folks” Robinson, Robbie G. “Gator” Atha, Forrest N. “Tubby” Chamberlain, Vernon F. “Pappy” Cook, Andy “Homeboy” Sanders, Tyrone D. “Mad Dog” Anderson-Colier, Morris E.  “Jiggs” Thompson, Donald D. “Wheels” Wheeler, Edward M. “Eddie The Barber” Smith, William “Brother Babe” Torrence, Jr., Paul S. “Torchy” Holmquest, Frank “Spats” Springer, Jr., Kenneth “Weed Hopper” Bush, Thurman “Little Boy” Jacobs, Larry G. “Peepa” Burdette, Thomas “Pig Iron” Powell, Alan R. “Hoot” Manship, Napoleon “Little Boy” Carter, Allen L. “Little Nuke” Westmoreland, III, Thomas “Puddin’” Cleveland, Deming “Rocky” Fawbush, Robert “Chunky” Clemmons, VerSean “Hair Bear” Stingley, Thomas C. “Geronimo” Holliman, Jr., Mary W. “Aunt Juicey” O’Neil, Herbert H. “Catfish” Erwin, Blane “Coot” Spearman, Francis “Whitey” Musser, Elbert Lee “Greasy Pig” Stringer, Sr., Harold H. “Battle Axe” Knox, James “Ninny” Hayes,  Charles “Bunny” Porter, Ben “The Barber” Arney, Thomas “Cool Daddy” Graham, James “June Bug” Chaney, Quentin “Fingers” Willford, Robert G. “Frog” Engleman, Rosemary “Bitsy” Armond Morrison Wight, Elizabeth “Grapie” Lee Hackleman, Terry L. “Too Much” Mason, Sr., Anthony “Big Snow” Snow, Kevin “Punky” Lloyd Corts, Reid G. “Chuckles” Chapman, William “Wave” Kiffmeyer, Willard “Dink” Purkerson, Brian K. “Spanky” Allen, Russell L. “Whammer” Wamsley, J. W. “Crunch” Richardson, Nathaniel “Little Boo” Allen, Meredith “Skid” Moore, and Walter Lee “Possum” White, Jr. (December 31, 2006)

Sergeant Pendry Gets The Ball Rolling

• Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton, John Kerry, John Murtha, Dick Durbin, Ted Kennedy, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Carl Levine, Barbara Boxer, Diane Feinstein, Russ Feingold, Hillary Clinton, Patrick Leahy, Chuck Schumer, the American news media (especially the New York Times).—Names in a list titled America’s Axis of Idiots, offered by someone identifying himself as Sgt. Major J. D. Pendry (Retired), in an essay floating around on the Internet in January, 2007. It’s not a complete list, but it’s a nice beginning.

• Turd Blossom—Dubya’s favorite nickname for his chief of staff, Karl Rove, according to no less an eminence than the Financial Times, in an editorial in its February 3, 2007, Weekend Edition

• Peaches and I just saw the movie, Breach, starring Chris Cooper. It’s the story of the exposure in 2001 of FBI Agent Robert Hanssen, who sold American intelligence to the Soviets for over 20 years.  He also betrayed 50 U.S. and allied intelligence operatives and at least three of those were murdered as a result. Hanssen is serving a life sentence in a Colorado prison. Our reaction to the film was identical: an excellent movie, and Cooper is frightening and eerie in the Hanssen role, but the overriding emotion is anger that Hanssen was not executed for his crimes.  He should have been.  (February 27, 2007)

• Robert “Biscuit” Williams, a star on the 1956 Shortridge High School basketball team, and a recent inductee into the Indiana Basketball Hall of Fame, had three brothers with nicknames: “Scraps,” “Crum,” and “Muffin.”  This could be a record for a family with “themed” nicknames. Most impressive.  (March 31, 2007)

• Cowboy Bob Ellis, Dick The Bruiser, Bobby “The Brain” Heenan, Mitzu Arakawa, Dr. Moto, Black Jack Lanza, Baron Von Raschke, Prince Pullins, Moose Cholak, The Destroyer, Mad Dog Vachon, Sky Low Low, Wilbur Snider, Haystack Calhoun, Killer Kowalski, Yukon Eric, Black Jack Mulligan, Andre The Giant, “Bam Bam” Bigelow, The Iron Sheik, Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake, Gorgeous George, “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan.—Pro Wrestler Names bandied about in a flurry of spring e-mails.  (April 10, 2007)

• A veritable mother-lode of special nicknames appeared in an Indianapolis Star account of a big local cocaine bust featuring about 300 police stampeding 38 locations around the city. A busload of miscreants face hard time in this caper, and something—who knows what—inspired the Star to obtain and print the nicknames of some of them. We rarely see this many in one location. Included were: Mario “Bubba” Adams, Earl “E” Allen, Dawan “Valdez” Calhoun, Jamael “Gar” Carter, Jonathan “Elo” Furr, Jamarr “Omar” Gaines, Demarcus “CoCo” Garner, Eric “Mackbone” Garner, Antonio “Loc” Hardin, Jermaine “Main” Johnson, Roy “Baby Boy” Lampkin, Antwan “Shack” Shackelford, Sheridan “Bossy” Sisk, Christopher “Cool Breeze” Smith, Willie “Meat” Stott, Terrell “Talls” Turnley, Jarvis “Jarhead” Watson, Larry “Elbow” Williams, and Dewon “Cortez” Wilson.  (August 15, 2007)

• Addition to the list of most wonderful sports franchise nicknames in the world: The Fort Wayne Mad Ants (of the NBA’s Development League) --December 8, 2007)

• Memorable nicknames from the Star’s 2007 obituary columns: Keith M. “Quake” Fuqua,  Robert D. “Dunk” Hollins, John T. “California” Curley, Maurice “Shad” Shadley, Allen “Old School” Pettigrew, Julius “Yudel” Bunes, Mark D. “Coyote” Wiley, Roger Lee “Boo” Brown, Jeffrey  “Trudge” Sanborn, Frank “Beany” Sabotin, Jr., Wayne D. Gap” Johnson, Cornelia “Little Bit” Hughes, Catherine “Roach” Moore, Kenneth “Tonto” Musselman, Theodore “Moon” Barnett, Carlie F. “Tick” Kirk, Robert “Dude” Toole, Haskel T.  “Hack” Thompson, Timothy “Chop” McIntosh, Leslie “Goobie” McCants, Roy “Skeet” Brinsley, Lloyd D. “Farm” Grinstead, Jerome “Blues” Skrzycki, Donald “Frog” Davie, Stephen “Zero” Kennedy, Gus “Big Guy” Bell, Joseph “Indian Joe” Evans, Ronald “Smiley” Wayne Evans, Antwon L. “Trunks” Ingram, Conway “Pepper” Davis, Evelyn E. “Cookie” Dease, Ernest “Juicy” White, Jr., Ernest L. “Foogie” White III (a survivor), Paul D. “Mush” McAlister, Ryan A. “Boo” Sampson, Pieter B. “Iceman” Kollen, Cathalene “Puddin’ ” Batts, George T. “Thump” Mitchell, Larry D. “Toad” Ayler, Gareld “Chopper” Kinslow, Clarence “Road Dog” Day, Jr., Michael “Crazy” Winburn, Eruslia B. “Chicken” Edmonds, Robert “Giddee” Mesalam, James L. “Crow” Smith, Kenneth E. “Twink” Rader, Henry E. “Dirty Red” Brown, Sr., Russell “Pretty Ricky” Wilson, Dwayne E. “Punchy” Blackmon, Arnold E. “Cubby” Fitzgerald, Gerald “Jug Head” Bryant, Leonard C. “Scoot” Harris III, Charles “Blue Ribbon” Roush, Daniel “Hollywood” Murphy, and Larry G. “Animal” King. (December 31, 2007)

• The  22 Most Obnoxious People Still At Large During 2007:  Al Gore, Jimmy Carter, The Senator from Chappaquiddick, Henry Waxman, Patrick Leahy, Jon Stewart, Bill Maher, Al Franken, Harry Reid, Indianapolis Star columnists Ken Bode and Dan Carpenter, Nancy Pelosi, Hildebeest, Keith Olbermann,  Maureen Dowd, Paul Krugman, Sean Penn, Michael Moore, Sidney Blumenthal, Dan Rather, Ramsey Clark and Howard Dean. (December 31, 2007)

  The new Lehigh Valley (Pennsylvania) baseball franchise in the International League has chosen a nickname which makes my list of all-time greats. They’re calling themselves the Iron Pigs (a term associated with steel manufacturing). (May 31, 2008)

  Delight, Raised To The Googol Power (Thank You, E. L. Doctorow)

  I just had the extreme pleasure of reading a short story titled “Wakefield” by E. L. Doctorow in The New Yorker magazine. I burst out in a long, long snorting laugh on the final page. I can think of only one other occasion when this has happened—when I finished the novel, Small Game, by John Blades, a few years ago. These are experiences to be cherished, and I do. (June 20, 2008)

  William Hoffman’s novel, A Death of Dreams, is not for the relentlessly cheerful reader. Its characters plot, and ache and rejoice, and suffer. The main character, Guy Dion, has grown old when the story opens, and realizes he is useless, a mere shell of the vibrant, strong man he once was. He meets his first love (who has also aged, and gone through several husbands in the years since they last said a goodbye) again, and in a gazebo smothered in blooming roses with narrow shafts of sunlight bending in through the thick blossoms and foliage, they kiss and he cries. He spends some time in a mental institution, put there by a patronizing wife and family “for his own good." Finally he bolts over the wall and flees into the hills. The book ends with him sitting in an empty miner's shack in an abandoned coal mining town in the mountains of Virginia, tin roofing and tar paper flapping and rattling in the cold wind, dust blowing, wood rotting, frost forming on his temples, ancient machinery rusting, him thinking that he’s not ever going back to civilization (while he was gone his cut-throat in-laws and business associates stole his company out from under him). Like many of Hoffman’s stories, this one, as its title suggests, is suffused with a sense of time passing and lost, old values in a changing world, of things never-to-be recaptured, of stubborn clinging to old ways, to the past. (February, 1982)

   

Friends of Bill

• Importation of cocaine, income tax evasion, conspiracy to commit money laundering, mail fraud, bank loan fraud, marijuana distribution, cocaine distribution, odometer rollback, perjury, filing false claims, food stamp fraud, lying on alien registration forms, wire fraud, voter registration fraud, aiding illegal entry of aliens, embezzlement, false corporate tax returns, tax evasion, possession of stolen goods, interstate transportation of stolen property, U.S. Treasury check forgery, methamphetamine distribution, securities fraud, unregistered firearms, illegal campaign contributions, theft of government property, false passport applications, racketeering conspiracy, filing false documents with Immigration and Naturalization Service, USDA subsidy fraud, filing false claims with Veterans Administration, armed bank robbery, lying to a grand jury, mail theft, counterfeiting, Medicare fraud, murder, harboring a fugitive, malicious property damage— Partial list of convictions on the records of individuals pardoned (or sentences commuted) by Sick Willie in the waning hours of his second term in office, from a complete list published as an appendix to Emmett Tyrrell, Jr.’s 2007 book, The Clinton Crack-Up: The Boy President’s Life After The White House.

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