2004 | The American Pile

The archives reveal that on the night of January 1,1979, the Red Men Lodge in Scorched Corners, Indiana, was to hold its annual rabbit dinner. This was in celebration of the then-43rd anniversary of the Conawaugh tribe, according to a faded clipping from the local Daily Peeper. A pre-dinner announcement in the newspaper indicated that the “great chiefs of Indiana and Pocahontas” had signaled their intent to attend, and that “possibly the Great Incohonee of the United States” would be present. The notice said that “the tribe will furnish the meat, potatoes, bread, and coffee” and that members were advised to bring their own “well-filled baskets” to assure a bounteous feast. Despite arduous research, no account of the event itself is known to exist. This is a matter which cries out for illumination. Who were these people, anyway? (January 1, 2004)

Meet Us At The Vomitorium

Mogo and I were watching television last evening and saw an advertisement for the coming January 8 appearance of the legendary Chief Charles A. Moose, who held sway over the nation for several weeks in 2002 when he was the lead law enforcement officer investigating the murder spree by the Washington, D.C., area snipers (Lee Malvo and John Muhammad). Moose is giving a public lecture at Martin University, a local minority college. There on the big screen--the big 52-incher--was the announcement, as a frenzied voice shouted the details at us: “Tickets Available Now! Hear Chief Moose! January 8! Speaking at the Martin University Gathertorium!” And thus another fine, old English language word, the eminently serviceable “auditorium,” is hooted offstage by the social engineers. Only God (the God of your choice, of course) knows the politically correct origin of Gathertorium, this hideous substitute. (January 6, 2004)
I amused myself early in the New Year with an informal, unscientific poll of seven colleagues, six of whom grew up with me in Scorched Corners, on the plains of central Indiana. The poll came in the wake of Pete Rose’s admission, after 14 years of lying about it, that he had indeed gambled on baseball. Should Pete Rose Be Admitted To The Baseball Hall of Fame? was the question. Support for Pete was enthusiastic and immediate. The first “Yes” voter noted that gambling was not unlike drinking or alcoholism, and since many already in the Hall were known boozehounds, then why should Pete be denied. A second affirmative voter asked, How dare anyone be judgmental of Pete? and added that anyone who did should have his own life and career subject to the same scrutiny as Pete, where, he felt confident, equal sins would be revealed. A third “yes” conceded the key facts--that baseball has long honored a rule against gambling and that Rose by his own admission had gambled--but said that this had absolutely nothing to do with admission to the Hall of Fame. This is the famed “compartmentalization” gambit made famous in the 1990s by Sick Willie and his defenders, the notion that every aspect of a life is separate and exists alone and is unconnected to any other aspect or to an overall assessment of one’s character, behavior, or fitness for any task or honor. There seemed among them to be strong sentiment for forgiveness, for overlooking any offenses, a wish to avoid being judgmental. At first glance, this urge to forgiveness seems almost Christianlike. But that would not be so in these circumstances--most of the group are either actively hostile to religion, admitted atheists, or without a visible religious component to their lives. The final tally was 6-1 in favor of enthroning Pete, with one ballot still “under advisement until all the facts are in.” Unscientific as can be, but my hunch is that if all America were polled, this is about how it would turn out. All hail Pete! Hail Him! (January 9, 2004)
Our comical local excuse for a major daily newspaper, the Indianapolis Star, has pooped all over itself again in its ceaseless struggle for respect. About a week ago the Star announced it had hired a new sports columnist to replace the new one who left last year. This time the savior was to be Mike Freeman, a “veteran sports journalist” who had spent 10 years at the New York Times and several other big-time newspapers, and had written two books as well. Mike was to bring his mountain of talent aboard on January 12. But wait! He resigned on January 10 instead, after the Star received a tip that something was amiss with the lad. The Star printed his official statement in its January 10 issue and a careful reading of it yields some jewels. Freeman was discovered to have--gasp!!--made an error in judgment on his resume and on his job application. He said he had graduated from the University of Delaware, but now concedes he did not. He says this was the “first time ever” that he had “stated this fact” (though, of course, it was not a fact, but a non-fact) on his resume, adding that “These were lies.” He did not explain how a “fact” could be a “lie,” but let’s not quibble. Later, Freeman’s statement noted that his claims of graduation were “a terrible and unforgivable manipulation of the facts.” Give him credit for accepting responsibility for his actions with no qualifiers or excuses. Coming on the heels of last year’s Jayson Blair Unpleasantness, perhaps the real challenge now is to find out if there’s something in the drinking water at the New York Times. The Star added a note to Freeman’s, saying that it wanted to be “a leader in addressing those issues” of credibility confronting the newspaper industry. (January 11, 2004)
Governor Kernan gave his State of the State speech and the Star’s account of it indicated he said not a word about the monstrous scandal involving state license branches issuing thousands of drivers licenses to illegals who used phony documents to get them. Kernan’s big push is for state-funded year-around kindergarten, in a state running a billion dollar deficit. (January 11, 2004)

Souls? Well, Those'll Cost You A Little More

Southern Mississippi University played a home game 1100 miles from home January 16 and nobody is making this up. The old convincer, money, got its nose inside the tent and Southern Miss (Hattiesburg, Mississippi) may be a trend-setter. The school, according to a wire service roundup in the Indianapolis Star, “sold its home game (with Marquette University) to an independent promoter,” who then scheduled it in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Great deal for Southern Miss fans. Somebody made out like a bandit on this. I think we know who. (January 17, 2004)
A mid-January headline told us that the Martha Stewart jury selection process would be “crucial” to the fate of Martha Stewart, whose trial is approaching. Her fate, say court analysts and pundits, will be determined by who is selected for the jury. Nobody wants to say this aloud, but the completion of that sentence is that her trial will have less to do with facts, truth, or evidence than with the jurors who get to rule on them. This is becoming a permanent underlying theme of American life. We saw it in the Sick Willie Impeachment--indeed, in the entire Clinton Presidency--and in the O.J. Simpson trial, for example. This ought to be deeply troubling to the public.
Though this news is horribly late bubbling to my surface, it’s beautiful, no matter how old. The Turner Prize, said to be “prestigious” and worth $28,600 and given annually in England to an “artist” for a “work of art,” was given in December, 2001, to a creature named Martin Creed whose entry was. . .an empty room with a light which switched on and off. Previous prizes were given for an elephant dung painting and the pickled remains of a cow and calf, according to a USA Today dated December 10, 2001, which also noted that Creed was given the prize personally by American pop dirtbag, Madonna, who used profanity on the show, causing Britain’s Channel Four to issue an apology to viewers. (January 25, 2004)
Also late reaching us is this bulletin from Canada. A Canadian father sued the New Brunswick Amateur Hockey Association when his then 16-year-old son failed to win the league’s most valuable player award. Michael Croteau sued for $200,000 in psychological and punitive damages. His son, Steven, led the league in scoring and assists, but the award was given to a boy who finished fourth in scoring. The father said his son was so crushed by the decision “that he lost his desire to play.” No word on the eventual disposition of the suit, which was filed in Toronto in November, 2002. (January 25, 2004)

Watch What Judge Melville Do, Not What He Say

Trans-humanoid Michael Jackson showed up 21 minutes late for his scheduled court appearance in California on Friday. The courtroom was packed with family and friends. Others in the Jackson entourage circulated outside, handing out party invitations to passersby. Judge Rodney Melville was described as really upset by Michael’s late arrival. The Associated Press quoted him admonishing Jackson by saying, “I. . .will not put up with that (tardiness). It’s an insult to the court.” The judge then sent the same message to Jackson that American adults and parents have been sending to their children for decades--there are no consequences for misbehavior, kids--by tolerating Jackson’s insult to the court and exacting no punishment for it. The charade and clown show continues. (January 17, 2004)
A moment of silence, please, for another impressive nickname, this from an Indianapolis Star obituary this morning: Sherman “Shang Hai” Rhodes. (January 24, 2004)
Hey! Just so we don’t overlook this the next time a bleeder screams about unbridled capitalist greed, 26 former Enron officials (including 19 executives) have been charged with crimes as of January 20, 2004. Seven have been convicted, including most recently the lovely and talented Andrew Fastow (10 years in prison and forfeiture of $29 million of the loot) and his bride, Lea (a guilty plea and less than a year in the pen).
Dennis Miller’s new talk show on CNBC debuted January 26 with a few bloops and glitches, but some scorching potshots and edgy humor as only Miller among America’s vast androidal host of talking heads can deliver them. Equipment failed, the sets looked cheap, and Miller admitted there were rough spots. The highlight was a live interview with California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. At one point Miller asked Arnold how he would be dealing with the state’s Illegal Immigrant Unpleasantness. Arnold backed and filled. Dennis suggested that if the gub’nor would get a pair of night-vision goggles and go down there to the Mexican border some night and take a look, he (Arnold) would see that “it looks like the start of the Boston Marathon in ponchos.” Arnold had a big laugh at that and said that Miller had a really colorful way of expressing things. Well, yes. Miller’s occasional obscure references and offbeat humor may not appeal to the masses, but however long he lasts he will delight his fans and drive his enemies, and some of the silly and pompous fools he’ll bring on as guests (Naomi Wolf, a former Al Gore campaign adviser, among the early crop), absolutely crazy. I’m rootin’ for him. (January 27, 2004)
Dennis Miller announced last night on his new CNBC talk show that to celebrate the beginning of the Martha Stewart trial in Gotham, he, Miller, had built his own miniature courtroom out of Q-tips, brambles, and lard. This should go splendidly with the heirloom tablecloth and runner Mogo and I are knitting from wild violets and lemon basil leaves. (January 28, 2004)
And speaking of finishing mantra, Mark Russell needs to work on his, too. Mark is identified in an Indianapolis Star column as an Urban League “housing counselor.” He was quoted rushing to the defense of a local woman--the subject of a hand-wringing Ruth Holliday column--who has lost her house to foreclosure because she no longer could make mortgage payments. She filed for bankruptcy after a series of major health problems and losing her job. This is indeed a sad situation, but not the result of Hillary’s vast rightwing conspiracy. Russell emptied his bag of liberal bile for the Star columnist. He used a recently announced downtown condominium project as an illustration of how the godless Right is to blame. “Here I have a lady completely destitute. . .with no resources to help her,” Russell hissed, “and we are building fancy new apartments downtown for $25 million and $315,000 condos at the Market Square Arena site. How is it we can do all this for people of means, but nothing for someone who is losing her housing due to illness?” The rest of the mantra is this: “We” are not building apartments and condos for the rich. They’re being built by private interests. The “how is it” Russell alludes to so bitterly is really quite simple: the people moving into those $350,000 condos are going to pay for them, not get them free, as Russell seems to believe his clients should be able to do.
If we ever needed an example of how the world has been changed by Leftist ideology, one appeared in the February 12 Wall Street Journal. There, reader Ben Tisdell of Gotham City wrote to a personal financial adviser column for guidance on this dilemma: ”Which should take priority: paying off my student loans or saving for the future?” Columnist Terry Cullen answered, “Paying off debt--whatever the type of loan--shouldn’t take precedence over making your future financially secure.” Our parents--even those who were ardent Democrats--would never have embraced such an idea, nor would their parents, nor anyone of their forebears, except for the utterly irresponsible derelict or retarded. They’d instantly have counseled: pay your debts first. Today, Cullen’s notion--which clearly seems to be to ignore your debts if you find them inconvenient--gets a standing ovation. (February 12, 2004)
Cosmic question submitted by an adult male in Kentucky: Is it just me or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born three years ago in Canada right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington when there’s a hint of mad cow disease, but is unable to locate the 11 million or so illegal aliens wandering around in our country? (February 27, 2004)
Still another moment of silence, please, as we install the latest addition to the (non-Scorched Corners) Famous Nicknames List. We salute the late Leslie “Few Fingers” Jines, once a captain on the Vile Gorge, Indiana, police force, so named for his unfortunate loss of a few fingers in an accident during his youth. (March 6, 2004)
John Earl “Pig” Gartin, Jr., died March 22 in Indianapolis. This is only the second instance of the nickname “Pig” I’ve encountered in a lifetime of collecting them. This “Pig” was a mail carrier; my original, “Pig” Shafer, was a Chrysler-Plymouth dealer. (March 22, 2004)

That's Funny, It Sounds Like He Told Her Not To Lose Her Head

A 25-year-old former New Jersey high school basketball player, Jennifer Bresler, has been awarded $1.5 from a jury in a lawsuit she filed claiming that she developed an eating disorder after her coach asked her to lose 10 pounds. (USA Today, March 26, 2004)
One of three Americans between the ages of 18 and 24 could not locate the Pacific Ocean on a map in a survey commissioned by the National Geographic Society. I am not making this up. (Source: Indianapolis Business Journal, editorial page, March 29-April 4, 2004, edition.)

Sorry To Have To Tell You This, But. . .

“ A British Medical Journal review in 2002 of 37 other studies on the effect of psychological coping styles found that most showed no connection between positive attitude and improved survival.” --The Wall Street Journal, in an article headlined “Fighting Cancer With A Frown,” about current research indicating that many pessimists and curmudgeons cope just as well as optimistic patients with cancer and other deadly diseases. (April 6, 2004)

Gotcha!

The Indianapolis Housing Agency is the latest Indiana gub’mint unit under investigation for criminal scandal. Welfare fraud charges are to be filed soon against five tenants. Two housing inspectors for the agency have been freshly fired. One of the latter was nabbed by modern techonology. The agency has installed Global Positioning System tracking devices in all its vehicles. One inspector was confronted with GPS records which tracked her vehicle circling the city’s beltway, Interstate 465, twice, and being parked for “a lengthy stay” at Mount Comfort Airport in nearby Hancock County, while she had reported she was in her office working and collecting overtime pay on a Saturday. Three other inspectors have resigned or been fired. Good!! (April 11, 2004)

There'll Be No Trouble Filling The Ranks. . .

“In threatening to rally his loyal followers in protest via a Million Moron March on Washington, Mr. Stern displays terrific political moxie. He knows that Washington will turn out big-time for a march of morons, if only out of sympathy for its own.” --Alan Abelson,writing in Barron’s about a threat by radio show pottymouth Howard Stern to retaliate against Dubya, the FCC, Clear Channel Communications and everyone else involved in dumping his show because of his intemperate language on-air. (April 12, 2004)
Dennis Ryerson, editor of the Indianapolis Star, has been making heroic efforts in the past several years to “connect” with the newspaper’s readers and make them feel the Star actually cares about them. Societal and culture trends have steadily eroded newspaper readership nationwide in recent decades. On April 9 it provided another example of why it and its brethren continue to struggle with matters of credibility, ethics, and reader loyalty and trust. The Star, like hundreds of news outlets in the U.S., ran a gripping photograph by Murad Sezer of the Associated Press. It showed a group of U.S. Marines in a circle kneeling beside a truck near Fallujah, the site of the horrific massacre of four American civilians early in April. The original caption, provided by the AP, said “U.S. Marines pray over a fallen comrade.” But in Ryerson’s newsroom that day, one of the staff deleted the reference to praying and substituted a caption saying the Marines were “gathered over a comrade who died.” Angry letters to the editor have erupted. Readers are asking who made the decision and why. The Star is so far silent on the matter. No charitable explanation comes to mind, but political correctness and liberal anti-religious bias certainly suggest themselves as possibilities. (April 14, 2004)

It's All Three

“In the April 11 Star, reporter Mary Beth Schneider posed five questions to (State Superintendent of Public Instruction) Dr. Suellen Reed. With all the challenges Indiana education faces, the reporter chose to ask a question about Reed’s hairstyle. I don’t know if it’s more embarrassing that Schneider asked the question, that Reed chose to answer it, or that the Star published it.” --Michelle Thomas of Lebanon, Indiana, writing in a letter to the editor of the Indianapolis Star in April, 2004.

Thanks From A Grateful Nation

Late April brought us the inspiring news from the Associated Press that Frank Moroskey of Cedar Rapids, Iowa, has begun marketing a charcoal-lined diaper for dogs which he claims will eliminate the odor from dog farts. (April 26, 2004)
Mogo and I saw the Coen brothers’ latest film, The Ladykillers, last weekend. Tom Hanks stars as the ringleader of a small gang of goofs who want to burrow underground into a buried casino vault, steal millions, and slip away unnoticed. They rent a room in a house in a small southern town while posing as musicians practicing for a concert. They find just the right place--a house with a basement where they can “rehearse,” and the digging and burrowing begins. One of the henchmen, Garth Pancake (played by J. K. Simmons), brings along the girlfriend he met, he tells his co-conspirators, while attending an Irritable Bowel Syndrome Singles Weekend Retreat. This becomes a running gag throughout the film, along with plenty of others. Hanks is superb as a gasbag professor in his wispy goatee, white linen suit, and floppy bowtie. The Ladykillers is another in a long line of zany, edgy, weird, and wonderful films by the Coens, joining such worthies as The Hudsucker Proxy, Fargo, O Brother, Where Art Thou?, Blood Simple, Intolerable Cruelty, and The Man Who Wasn’t There. The landlady, wonderfully played by Irma P. Hall, has a cat who figures in a lot of the fun. A tip: pay attention to the cat at the film’s end. (April 26, 2004)

Except For Poor Stanley Modarsky, This Was A Kodak Moment

The mother of a 55-year-old man who died Saturday after falling out of a roller coaster in Massachusetts is blaming the amusement park owners for the death. Her son, she told eager Boston reporters Sunday, should never have been allowed to get on the ride because he was too heavy and had cerebral palsy. Seasoned readers smelled a lawsuit worth billions. But, alas, a small but disproportionately nettlesome turd has surfaced in the lottery punchbowl. Turns out the amusement parks are required by the Americans With Disabilities Act to allow disabled people on rides if they can get in the rides by themselves. Witnesses, who will have to be hunted down and eliminated, say Stanley J. Mordarsky, the deceased, boarded the ride by himself and without assistance. But perhaps we can sue for fatism. Beautiful moments like these are so few in a lifetime. (May 3, 2004)
The percentage of Americans using a checkoff box on their personal tax returns to contribute $3 to the Presidential Election Campaign Fund has dropped to 10.5 percent, according to the latest IRS statistics through 2003. In 1976, when the fund was created, 27.5 percent contributed. (May 4, 2004)
From a Texas death row comes the latest add-on to the Famous (Non-Scorched Corners) Nicknames list. Michael Wayne Hall currently resides there, his lawyer claiming he is mentally retarded with an IQ of less than 70. His jailhouse name, the Associated Press reports in this morning’s Star, is. . ."Half-Deck." Priceless. (May 6, 2004)

Meaningless Gibberish On Meaningless Gibberish, Squared

“Britney was absolutely devastated when I told her.” --Taryn Manning, an actress friend of Britney Spears, on breaking the news to Britney that the Japanese symbols tattooed on her hipbone were meaningless gibberish (from Newsweek magazine, May 17, 2004).

And Now, Checking In From The University Of Mars. . .

“Vote for Bolinas to be a socially acknowledged nature-loving town because to like to drink the water out of the lakes to eat the blueberries to like the bears is not hatred to hotels and motor boats. Dakar. Temporary and way to save life, skunks, and foxes (airplanes to go over the ocean) and to make it beautiful.” --Exact wording of a ballot measure approved 314-152 in November of 2003 by the voters of Bolinas, California. The measure was proposed by Jane Blethen, also known as Dakar, “a local woman who frequently dresses in burlap and paints her face with chocolate,” according to Harper’s Magazine, which unearthed and printed the news in its May, 2004 edition.
MSNBC. 6:50 p.m. The voice-over advertised Chris Matthews’s program: “Hardball. Sponsored by Cialis.” Priceless. (May 20, 2004)

The USS Angst-Ridden Incompetent Peacenik Buffoon Would Have Been A Better Name

The Navy has named a Seawolf-class attack submarine after former president Jimmy Carter. The ship was christened the USS Jimmy Carter in a Groton, Connecticut, ceremony. (June 5, 2004)
The 16-million member Southern Baptist organization has voted at its annual conference in Indianapolis to withdraw from the World Baptist Alliance. Why? Because it feels the World Alliance “leans too far left” and has “taken on an anti-American tone.” The action means the world organization loses about one-third of its funding. Good! (June 15, 2004)

This Last-Minute Packing Reminder. . .

The Indianapolis Star this morning quoted a Wimbledon tennis official asking for cooperation from the public with a reminder that they please not bring along any weapons they don’t actually need. I am not making this up. (June 23, 2004)

Man. Five more wonderful nicknames. From July obituaries of the Indianapolis Star: Patrick “Sun Eagle” Flanigan, who departed 13 July at age 76; JaJuan Earl “Moonhead” Colbert, called home July 1 at age 24; and Antoine Duane “Big Worm” Edwards, Sr., who expired July 10 at age 28. On July 27, William James “Still Bill” McGee died at age 61, a former president of the C.C. Riders Motorcycle Club. Robert A. “Bama Red” Gordon left us the next day at age 69. (July 31, 2004)

So Now Every Page Is A Whorehouse

The Indianapolis Star on August 1, 2004, began running paid advertisements on page 1. (August 1, 2004)

Worst News Of The Month, So Far

C-SPAN’s Booknotes is going off the air at the end of the year. Host Brian Lamb, the pride and joy of Lafayette, Indiana, says he’s spent 1.8 years reading the books he so intelligently discusses with their authors and “it’s time to use all those hours in other ways.” The final broadcast will air December 5. Lamb has interviewed 800 authors over the show’s 15-year life. Lamb is in a class by himself as an interviewer. His shows have been jewels of literacy in television’s vast wasteland. He and Booknotes will be sorely missed. (August 10, 2004)

Code For: Taking My Lying, Conniving Ass To Prison

Martha Stewart has written a personal letter to subscribers to her magazine, Martha Stewart Living. In it, she thanks everyone for their support during her Most Recent Unpleasantness, touts new features and enhancements planned for the magazine, and confides, somewhat obliquely, that she can confidently take a respite from writing (her monthly letter and column) “to attend to my personal legal matters.” (August 16, 2004)

An editorial in Barron’s over the Labor Day weekend noted a Bureau of Labor Statistics report which shows that in 2003 only 8.2 percent of all workers in the private sector belonged to unions--down by half in the twenty years since 1983. Good! (September 6, 2004)

August obituaries got off to a hot start in the Famous Nickname derby. Larry D. “Lumpy” Wilson departed August 3 at age 55. The August 4 Star presented a trifecta: Deceased was Mr. Buford “Spider” Endsley at age 95. But he was survived by two sons, Elvis “Pookie” Endsley and Maurice “Squeekie” Endsley. Two daughters provided second-tier nicknames: Lalia (“Tiny”) and Mary (“Couldney”). August 6 brought us James Thomas “Candyman” Hawkins and on the 14th Mr. Welby Duane “Dude” Crawford, 71, exited the stage. Not until early September did we see others of note: Bobby L. “Savage” Gaskins, Kenneth “Hoot” Gibson, Jr., Edith P. “Perk” Barber, and Barbara Jean “Boo 52" Davenport Flowers. Early October brought us Ernest L. “Blue” Muse and Della “Ladybug” Richmond. Soon there followed William K. “Billy Goat” Landrum (survived by an uncle, William “Uncle Bubba” Landrum), Herman “Bronco” McCloud, Sr., Arto L. “Big Moose” Williams, Sara Marie“Ma Bells” Simpson, Ralph “Bus” Woermer, and Darren “Kool-Aid” Oldham, Sr., and another survivor named Marion H. “Mayday” Stuart.

“ If my brothers had been drafted, my father, a Korean war vet, would have gladly sent them off to basic training. Today he’d buy his grandkids a one-way ticket to Toronto.” --Lefty columnist Anna Quindlen, writing in Newsweek Sept. 6, in an essay about changes in American culture since the Vietnam war era, a column apparently prompted by persistent reports circulating among lefties that Dubya The Antichrist is going to reinstate the military draft just as soon as he’s re-elected. (September 15, 2004)

Here’s one of the changes Quindlen noted: over 70 percent of American males over the age of 65 have served in the military; only 12 percent between ages 18 and 29 have. My guess would be that among politicians, the figures are even lower. (September 15, 2004)

A poll of American Indians concluded in September produced results which will send the Left into apoplexy. An “overwhelming majority” of Indians are not offended by the name of the Washington Redskins pro football team. The University of Pennsylvania, that notorious bastion of right-wing lunacy, polled Indians in 48 states (all but Hawaii and Alaska) in its National Annenberg Election Survey. The Associated Press story said there was only one statistical difference of note: Indians with college degrees (13 percent) were more likely to take offense than those with some college but no degree (9 percent) or those who have not attended college (6 percent). That squares with what we intuitively know about the effect of college education. Otherwise, the 90 percent rejection of the idea ran across all age, sex and other survey categories. This is a devastating result for the only people who insist that the use of Indian names is a moral outrage: the wacko lefty screechers, who will doggedly march on, no matter what the facts. (September 26, 2004)

A picture flew around the Internet in late September of a group of Marines with heads bowed. The accompanying text said the Marines were shown praying at a ceremony honoring the birthday of the corps, and that the ACLU was screaming bloody murder, threatening to sue to stop these federal employees from praying on federal property and committing religion. Some of this stuff is so goofy you can’t believe it could be true. But if this one is, I hereby volunteer to bring in a B-52 at treetop level over ACLU headquarters and dust ‘em with Daisy Cutters. It would be an honor. (September 30, 2004)

Inspiring In 1981, And Equally Inspiring Today

A Berkeley, California, hospital held a fund-raiser for a stroke victim who’d been in a coma since 1979 and with whom doctors had been unable to communicate. Funds were used to buy a special computer to communicate with the man. Upon receipt of the first electronic message, the victim delivered the following message: “Leave me alone.” Around this same time, Orville Watt Lloyd, of Virginia Beach, Virginia, told police he killed his mother-in-law after mistaking her for a large raccoon, and the most popular magazine in China, the Journal of UFO Research, ran a story on children who could read with their armpits. --Highlights from Esquire magazine’s 1981 Dubious Achievements Awards.

Lefties stoutly deny there’s any bias in the press, despite evidence everywhere. They hate hearing how far back it goes, too. The October 4 issue of The Weekly Standard mentioned (in an article about Dan Rather’s latest embarrassment) a 1981 survey of 240 journalists by social scientists Robert Lichter and Stanley Rothman. It showed 94 percent of them had voted for Lyndon Johnson in 1964, that 81 percent voted for McGovern in 1972, and 81 percent voted for Carter in 1976. This bookends nicely with surveys taken in the 1990s when 89-90 percent of journalists surveyed admitted voting for Sick Willie. No bias whatsoever. (October 4, 2004)

Yeah, And Seein’ Dan Nailed Up There Like A Pinata Was A Big Thrill, Too

“The metastasizing clownishness of Dan Rather’s entire persona is one of the most glorious and enjoyable spectacles of the modern media age.” --Jonah Goldberg, writing in the October 11 issue of National Review about Rather’s and CBS’s attempted smear of Dubya’s National Guard service which turned out to be based on forged documents which Dan used even after being warned they were probably fraudulent.

Two Tucson men were arrested after throwing a pie at conservative author Ann Coulter while she was giving a speech at the University of Arizona. Apparently because they missed, they told police they were throwing the pies “at her ideas,” not at Coulter. They were jailed. And down in darkest Florida, a man driving a late-model silver Cadillac sped through a Sarasota intersection, jumped a curb and tried to run down Republican Congressman Katherine Harris at a political rally. The driver is said to have told police he didn’t like Harris, formerly Florida’s Secretary of State, because she was at the center of the 2000 Florida election dispute, the one Lefties lost and will never get over. I’ve had an ear to the ground and an eye on the slipstream press, but so far haven’t heard a peep from Hillary Clinton or any other bleeder about the meanspiritedness of all this. (October 28, 2004)

“Congratulations on a superb November 11 column on the death of the vile and despicable Yasser Arafat. You’ll be fairly lonely in such a courageous and clear-eyed assessment. We’ll be punished in the coming days with a sickening parade of weepers and fools who’ll line the funeral route telling us this is the equivalent of Christ or Gandhi passing.” --Angus McCloud, a correspondent, in his letter to Boston Globe columnist Jeff Jacoby, who described Arafat as the evil beast that he was.

NBC news anchor Tom Brokaw attended the Nebraska-Oklahoma football game. When the public address fellow announced that Brokaw was a stadium guest, a cascade of boos erupted, long and loud. Good. (November 30, 2004)

Number of people in North Carolina holding state licenses with the same Social Security number (999-99-9999): 388,000--Marti Dinerstein, president of Immigration Matters, an organization supporting tougher immigration laws, quoted in the Chicago Tribune November 29 by op-ed columnist Dennis Byrne. (November 29, 2004)

Number of valid driver’s licenses held by the 19 hijackers involved in the September 11 Unpleasantness: 69 --Marti Dinerstein (see above).

An advance scout reports that the display windows at Marshall Field's store in Chicago are decorated this winter with figures from the story of Snow White and The Seven Little Men. Can’t say “dwarfs” any more. The little critters are in African, Asian, Hispanic, Honky and other forms of unknown origin, too. (December 6, 2004)

I recently was offered a chance to convert unused frequent flier miles into magazine subscriptions. A one-year round of Newsweek was one of my choices. The year is about up. What a disappointment. I recently got an offer to renew for 12 months for $11.97. I am declining. Newsweek used to be serious about news, and a serious magazine. No more. The modern Newsweek is cartoonish in its obsession with popular culture and the cotton candyish fluff of “soft” news--about fads, about feelings, about polls and cosmetic surgery, about snivelers, freaks, activists, hand-wringers, reality shows, crappy movies, crappy art, crappy ideas, a cavalcade of Michael Moores, dopers, warthogs, angry, silly people. I wouldn’t have the danged magazine in my house if they’d give it to me free. (December 10, 2004)

We’ll Just Have To Find Other Ways To Make The Children Feel Good About Themselves

A third grade teacher in Muncie has been suspended after being accused of helping her students correctly answer questions on state-mandated tests. The school could lose federal funding because of the incident. Courageous school administrators dipped deep, found nothing, and announced that the children and teacher would not be punished but that, by golly, the test scores will not be counted. That’ll show ‘em! (December 23, 2004)

Two of Sick’s midnight pardonees returned to the news as 2004 lurched to a close. The legendary federal fugitive billionaire, Marc Rich (whose balloon-chested wife, Denise, funneled monster cash to the Dems and another $400 grand or so to Sick’s presidential library fund in what were mere coincidents to her husband’s pardon) was reported by the New York Post to be a major target of state and federal prosecutors looking into the UN’s Iraq Oil For Skimming Scam, and the lovely and talented Susan Rosenburg, pardoned by Sick from her prison term for numerous convictions related to her Weather Underground activities (accessory to armored car robbery and murder, possesion of illegal explosives, and so on) was appointed to an “artist/activist in residence” faculty position at Hamilton College in upstate New York. (December 26, 2004)

They Shoulda Dropped Wolfgang

Year-end excavations turned up this beauty. USA Today reported in its July 20, 2001, issue that an “artist” dropped a bloody, headless cow from a helicopter in beautiful downtown Berlin after a city judge refused a 13-year-old girl’s lawsuit (she claimed, astonishingly to most Berliners, I’ll bet, that this wasn’t art) to stop the performance. The perpetrator, identified as Wolfgang Flatz, himself “hung naked and bleeding from a crane with his arms spread crosslike as industrial music blared” from a nearby construction site. Then the cow dropped 130 feet to the ground.

Oooooooooooh. . .Dangerous Question

John Anderson of Carmel wrote to the Indianapolis Star to report that for the first time in his living memory, the Star did not run a “Merry Christmas” banner on page 1 of its December 25 edition. Even though he and we know, he professed to wonder why. Ornery pricks. Gotta love ‘em! (December 29, 2004)

Heavy Artillery Called In

After months of secret negotiations, the City of Indianapolis and its professional football team, the Indianapolis Colts, revealed at the height of the Christmas season a proposal to build a new stadium to keep the team in town for the next 30 years. It took the Indianapolis Star, bless its trembling, often confused, silly, nonjudgmental soul, only a few days to lay out an aspect of the big deal neither side wanted put up on banners: the comparative cost of the public funds versus private funds. Reporters John Fritze and Matthew Tully compared Indianapolis to nine other NFL cities where new stadia recently opened. Indianapolis ranked dead last or next-to-last--depending on how the numbers are tweaked--Cincinnati’s figure was listed as “89% to 95%”--where it hurts taxpayers the most--the percentage of taxpayer funds (90%) in the deal. (And worse--for the proponents--the Indianapolis deal depends largely on new gambling revenue. It was reported that 25% of the state’s annual revenue already comes from gambling) In Seattle, 70% of the money came from taxpayers; in Pittsburgh, 56%; in Chicago, 68%. Other cities included: Denver, 75%; Philadelphia, 59%; Houston, 83%. The New England Patriots’ new stadium was 100% percent financed by the team owner, Robert Kraft. Proponents of the stadium in Indianapolis have already begun softening up the public with barrages of pro-stadium support from “experts” and with “economic studies” trumpeting the downright incredible benefits of these raids on the state treasury. A convincing case can be made for either side of the argument. The Indianapolis plan includes a huge expansion of the present convention center, the benefits of which are far easier to quantify than the stadium’s. The mayor, new governor, Mitch Daniels, and state and local government officials face a daunting challenge. Economic conditions in Indiana are mediocre, the state treasury is running a deficit, and the list of public projects which need funding is lengthy. Indianapolis appears to have little negotiating power in these matters. There are said to be other cities panting in line, eager to grab an NFL franchise in this god-foresaken American culture of ours, and asking public officials to resist the siren call of it all is quite a stretch. (December 31, 2004)

	Scoundrels, Knaves & Fools American Pile Whoops & Squawks Splinters From the Bench Indiana University Sports Lists & Other Minutiae Contact the author	2009 \| 2008 \| 2007 \| 2006 \| 2005 \| 2004 \| 2003 \| 2002 \| 2001 \| 2000 \| 1999 \| 1998 \| 1997 \| 1996 \| 1995 \| Pre-1995 The American Pile The archives reveal that on the night of January 1,1979, the Red Men Lodge in Scorched Corners, Indiana, was to hold its annual rabbit dinner. This was in celebration of the then-43rd anniversary of the Conawaugh tribe, according to a faded clipping from the local Daily Peeper. A pre-dinner announcement in the newspaper indicated that the “great chiefs of Indiana and Pocahontas” had signaled their intent to attend, and that “possibly the Great Incohonee of the United States” would be present. The notice said that “the tribe will furnish the meat, potatoes, bread, and coffee” and that members were advised to bring their own “well-filled baskets” to assure a bounteous feast. Despite arduous research, no account of the event itself is known to exist. This is a matter which cries out for illumination. Who were these people, anyway? (January 1, 2004) Meet Us At The Vomitorium Mogo and I were watching television last evening and saw an advertisement for the coming January 8 appearance of the legendary Chief Charles A. Moose, who held sway over the nation for several weeks in 2002 when he was the lead law enforcement officer investigating the murder spree by the Washington, D.C., area snipers (Lee Malvo and John Muhammad). Moose is giving a public lecture at Martin University, a local minority college. There on the big screen--the big 52-incher--was the announcement, as a frenzied voice shouted the details at us: “Tickets Available Now! Hear Chief Moose! January 8! Speaking at the Martin University Gathertorium!” And thus another fine, old English language word, the eminently serviceable “auditorium,” is hooted offstage by the social engineers. Only God (the God of your choice, of course) knows the politically correct origin of Gathertorium, this hideous substitute. (January 6, 2004) I amused myself early in the New Year with an informal, unscientific poll of seven colleagues, six of whom grew up with me in Scorched Corners, on the plains of central Indiana. The poll came in the wake of Pete Rose’s admission, after 14 years of lying about it, that he had indeed gambled on baseball. Should Pete Rose Be Admitted To The Baseball Hall of Fame? was the question. Support for Pete was enthusiastic and immediate. The first “Yes” voter noted that gambling was not unlike drinking or alcoholism, and since many already in the Hall were known boozehounds, then why should Pete be denied. A second affirmative voter asked, How dare anyone be judgmental of Pete? and added that anyone who did should have his own life and career subject to the same scrutiny as Pete, where, he felt confident, equal sins would be revealed. A third “yes” conceded the key facts--that baseball has long honored a rule against gambling and that Rose by his own admission had gambled--but said that this had absolutely nothing to do with admission to the Hall of Fame. This is the famed “compartmentalization” gambit made famous in the 1990s by Sick Willie and his defenders, the notion that every aspect of a life is separate and exists alone and is unconnected to any other aspect or to an overall assessment of one’s character, behavior, or fitness for any task or honor. There seemed among them to be strong sentiment for forgiveness, for overlooking any offenses, a wish to avoid being judgmental. At first glance, this urge to forgiveness seems almost Christianlike. But that would not be so in these circumstances--most of the group are either actively hostile to religion, admitted atheists, or without a visible religious component to their lives. The final tally was 6-1 in favor of enthroning Pete, with one ballot still “under advisement until all the facts are in.” Unscientific as can be, but my hunch is that if all America were polled, this is about how it would turn out. All hail Pete! Hail Him! (January 9, 2004) Our comical local excuse for a major daily newspaper, the Indianapolis Star, has pooped all over itself again in its ceaseless struggle for respect. About a week ago the Star announced it had hired a new sports columnist to replace the new one who left last year. This time the savior was to be Mike Freeman, a “veteran sports journalist” who had spent 10 years at the New York Times and several other big-time newspapers, and had written two books as well. Mike was to bring his mountain of talent aboard on January 12. But wait! He resigned on January 10 instead, after the Star received a tip that something was amiss with the lad. The Star printed his official statement in its January 10 issue and a careful reading of it yields some jewels. Freeman was discovered to have--gasp!!--made an error in judgment on his resume and on his job application. He said he had graduated from the University of Delaware, but now concedes he did not. He says this was the “first time ever” that he had “stated this fact” (though, of course, it was not a fact, but a non-fact) on his resume, adding that “These were lies.” He did not explain how a “fact” could be a “lie,” but let’s not quibble. Later, Freeman’s statement noted that his claims of graduation were “a terrible and unforgivable manipulation of the facts.” Give him credit for accepting responsibility for his actions with no qualifiers or excuses. Coming on the heels of last year’s Jayson Blair Unpleasantness, perhaps the real challenge now is to find out if there’s something in the drinking water at the New York Times. The Star added a note to Freeman’s, saying that it wanted to be “a leader in addressing those issues” of credibility confronting the newspaper industry. (January 11, 2004) Governor Kernan gave his State of the State speech and the Star’s account of it indicated he said not a word about the monstrous scandal involving state license branches issuing thousands of drivers licenses to illegals who used phony documents to get them. Kernan’s big push is for state-funded year-around kindergarten, in a state running a billion dollar deficit. (January 11, 2004) Souls? Well, Those'll Cost You A Little More Southern Mississippi University played a home game 1100 miles from home January 16 and nobody is making this up. The old convincer, money, got its nose inside the tent and Southern Miss (Hattiesburg, Mississippi) may be a trend-setter. The school, according to a wire service roundup in the Indianapolis Star, “sold its home game (with Marquette University) to an independent promoter,” who then scheduled it in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Great deal for Southern Miss fans. Somebody made out like a bandit on this. I think we know who. (January 17, 2004) A mid-January headline told us that the Martha Stewart jury selection process would be “crucial” to the fate of Martha Stewart, whose trial is approaching. Her fate, say court analysts and pundits, will be determined by who is selected for the jury. Nobody wants to say this aloud, but the completion of that sentence is that her trial will have less to do with facts, truth, or evidence than with the jurors who get to rule on them. This is becoming a permanent underlying theme of American life. We saw it in the Sick Willie Impeachment--indeed, in the entire Clinton Presidency--and in the O.J. Simpson trial, for example. This ought to be deeply troubling to the public. Though this news is horribly late bubbling to my surface, it’s beautiful, no matter how old. The Turner Prize, said to be “prestigious” and worth $28,600 and given annually in England to an “artist” for a “work of art,” was given in December, 2001, to a creature named Martin Creed whose entry was. . .an empty room with a light which switched on and off. Previous prizes were given for an elephant dung painting and the pickled remains of a cow and calf, according to a USA Today dated December 10, 2001, which also noted that Creed was given the prize personally by American pop dirtbag, Madonna, who used profanity on the show, causing Britain’s Channel Four to issue an apology to viewers. (January 25, 2004) Also late reaching us is this bulletin from Canada. A Canadian father sued the New Brunswick Amateur Hockey Association when his then 16-year-old son failed to win the league’s most valuable player award. Michael Croteau sued for $200,000 in psychological and punitive damages. His son, Steven, led the league in scoring and assists, but the award was given to a boy who finished fourth in scoring. The father said his son was so crushed by the decision “that he lost his desire to play.” No word on the eventual disposition of the suit, which was filed in Toronto in November, 2002. (January 25, 2004) Watch What Judge Melville Do, Not What He Say Trans-humanoid Michael Jackson showed up 21 minutes late for his scheduled court appearance in California on Friday. The courtroom was packed with family and friends. Others in the Jackson entourage circulated outside, handing out party invitations to passersby. Judge Rodney Melville was described as really upset by Michael’s late arrival. The Associated Press quoted him admonishing Jackson by saying, “I. . .will not put up with that (tardiness). It’s an insult to the court.” The judge then sent the same message to Jackson that American adults and parents have been sending to their children for decades--there are no consequences for misbehavior, kids--by tolerating Jackson’s insult to the court and exacting no punishment for it. The charade and clown show continues. (January 17, 2004) A moment of silence, please, for another impressive nickname, this from an Indianapolis Star obituary this morning: Sherman “Shang Hai” Rhodes. (January 24, 2004) Hey! Just so we don’t overlook this the next time a bleeder screams about unbridled capitalist greed, 26 former Enron officials (including 19 executives) have been charged with crimes as of January 20, 2004. Seven have been convicted, including most recently the lovely and talented Andrew Fastow (10 years in prison and forfeiture of $29 million of the loot) and his bride, Lea (a guilty plea and less than a year in the pen). Dennis Miller’s new talk show on CNBC debuted January 26 with a few bloops and glitches, but some scorching potshots and edgy humor as only Miller among America’s vast androidal host of talking heads can deliver them. Equipment failed, the sets looked cheap, and Miller admitted there were rough spots. The highlight was a live interview with California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. At one point Miller asked Arnold how he would be dealing with the state’s Illegal Immigrant Unpleasantness. Arnold backed and filled. Dennis suggested that if the gub’nor would get a pair of night-vision goggles and go down there to the Mexican border some night and take a look, he (Arnold) would see that “it looks like the start of the Boston Marathon in ponchos.” Arnold had a big laugh at that and said that Miller had a really colorful way of expressing things. Well, yes. Miller’s occasional obscure references and offbeat humor may not appeal to the masses, but however long he lasts he will delight his fans and drive his enemies, and some of the silly and pompous fools he’ll bring on as guests (Naomi Wolf, a former Al Gore campaign adviser, among the early crop), absolutely crazy. I’m rootin’ for him. (January 27, 2004) Dennis Miller announced last night on his new CNBC talk show that to celebrate the beginning of the Martha Stewart trial in Gotham, he, Miller, had built his own miniature courtroom out of Q-tips, brambles, and lard. This should go splendidly with the heirloom tablecloth and runner Mogo and I are knitting from wild violets and lemon basil leaves. (January 28, 2004) And speaking of finishing mantra, Mark Russell needs to work on his, too. Mark is identified in an Indianapolis Star column as an Urban League “housing counselor.” He was quoted rushing to the defense of a local woman--the subject of a hand-wringing Ruth Holliday column--who has lost her house to foreclosure because she no longer could make mortgage payments. She filed for bankruptcy after a series of major health problems and losing her job. This is indeed a sad situation, but not the result of Hillary’s vast rightwing conspiracy. Russell emptied his bag of liberal bile for the Star columnist. He used a recently announced downtown condominium project as an illustration of how the godless Right is to blame. “Here I have a lady completely destitute. . .with no resources to help her,” Russell hissed, “and we are building fancy new apartments downtown for $25 million and $315,000 condos at the Market Square Arena site. How is it we can do all this for people of means, but nothing for someone who is losing her housing due to illness?” The rest of the mantra is this: “We” are not building apartments and condos for the rich. They’re being built by private interests. The “how is it” Russell alludes to so bitterly is really quite simple: the people moving into those $350,000 condos are going to pay for them, not get them free, as Russell seems to believe his clients should be able to do. If we ever needed an example of how the world has been changed by Leftist ideology, one appeared in the February 12 Wall Street Journal. There, reader Ben Tisdell of Gotham City wrote to a personal financial adviser column for guidance on this dilemma: ”Which should take priority: paying off my student loans or saving for the future?” Columnist Terry Cullen answered, “Paying off debt--whatever the type of loan--shouldn’t take precedence over making your future financially secure.” Our parents--even those who were ardent Democrats--would never have embraced such an idea, nor would their parents, nor anyone of their forebears, except for the utterly irresponsible derelict or retarded. They’d instantly have counseled: pay your debts first. Today, Cullen’s notion--which clearly seems to be to ignore your debts if you find them inconvenient--gets a standing ovation. (February 12, 2004) Cosmic question submitted by an adult male in Kentucky: Is it just me or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born three years ago in Canada right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington when there’s a hint of mad cow disease, but is unable to locate the 11 million or so illegal aliens wandering around in our country? (February 27, 2004) Still another moment of silence, please, as we install the latest addition to the (non-Scorched Corners) Famous Nicknames List. We salute the late Leslie “Few Fingers” Jines, once a captain on the Vile Gorge, Indiana, police force, so named for his unfortunate loss of a few fingers in an accident during his youth. (March 6, 2004) John Earl “Pig” Gartin, Jr., died March 22 in Indianapolis. This is only the second instance of the nickname “Pig” I’ve encountered in a lifetime of collecting them. This “Pig” was a mail carrier; my original, “Pig” Shafer, was a Chrysler-Plymouth dealer. (March 22, 2004) That's Funny, It Sounds Like He Told Her Not To Lose Her Head A 25-year-old former New Jersey high school basketball player, Jennifer Bresler, has been awarded $1.5 from a jury in a lawsuit she filed claiming that she developed an eating disorder after her coach asked her to lose 10 pounds. (USA Today, March 26, 2004) One of three Americans between the ages of 18 and 24 could not locate the Pacific Ocean on a map in a survey commissioned by the National Geographic Society. I am not making this up. (Source: Indianapolis Business Journal, editorial page, March 29-April 4, 2004, edition.) Sorry To Have To Tell You This, But. . . “ A British Medical Journal review in 2002 of 37 other studies on the effect of psychological coping styles found that most showed no connection between positive attitude and improved survival.” --The Wall Street Journal, in an article headlined “Fighting Cancer With A Frown,” about current research indicating that many pessimists and curmudgeons cope just as well as optimistic patients with cancer and other deadly diseases. (April 6, 2004) Gotcha! The Indianapolis Housing Agency is the latest Indiana gub’mint unit under investigation for criminal scandal. Welfare fraud charges are to be filed soon against five tenants. Two housing inspectors for the agency have been freshly fired. One of the latter was nabbed by modern techonology. The agency has installed Global Positioning System tracking devices in all its vehicles. One inspector was confronted with GPS records which tracked her vehicle circling the city’s beltway, Interstate 465, twice, and being parked for “a lengthy stay” at Mount Comfort Airport in nearby Hancock County, while she had reported she was in her office working and collecting overtime pay on a Saturday. Three other inspectors have resigned or been fired. Good!! (April 11, 2004) There'll Be No Trouble Filling The Ranks. . . “In threatening to rally his loyal followers in protest via a Million Moron March on Washington, Mr. Stern displays terrific political moxie. He knows that Washington will turn out big-time for a march of morons, if only out of sympathy for its own.” --Alan Abelson,writing in Barron’s about a threat by radio show pottymouth Howard Stern to retaliate against Dubya, the FCC, Clear Channel Communications and everyone else involved in dumping his show because of his intemperate language on-air. (April 12, 2004) Dennis Ryerson, editor of the Indianapolis Star, has been making heroic efforts in the past several years to “connect” with the newspaper’s readers and make them feel the Star actually cares about them. Societal and culture trends have steadily eroded newspaper readership nationwide in recent decades. On April 9 it provided another example of why it and its brethren continue to struggle with matters of credibility, ethics, and reader loyalty and trust. The Star, like hundreds of news outlets in the U.S., ran a gripping photograph by Murad Sezer of the Associated Press. It showed a group of U.S. Marines in a circle kneeling beside a truck near Fallujah, the site of the horrific massacre of four American civilians early in April. The original caption, provided by the AP, said “U.S. Marines pray over a fallen comrade.” But in Ryerson’s newsroom that day, one of the staff deleted the reference to praying and substituted a caption saying the Marines were “gathered over a comrade who died.” Angry letters to the editor have erupted. Readers are asking who made the decision and why. The Star is so far silent on the matter. No charitable explanation comes to mind, but political correctness and liberal anti-religious bias certainly suggest themselves as possibilities. (April 14, 2004) It's All Three “In the April 11 Star, reporter Mary Beth Schneider posed five questions to (State Superintendent of Public Instruction) Dr. Suellen Reed. With all the challenges Indiana education faces, the reporter chose to ask a question about Reed’s hairstyle. I don’t know if it’s more embarrassing that Schneider asked the question, that Reed chose to answer it, or that the Star published it.” --Michelle Thomas of Lebanon, Indiana, writing in a letter to the editor of the Indianapolis Star in April, 2004. Thanks From A Grateful Nation Late April brought us the inspiring news from the Associated Press that Frank Moroskey of Cedar Rapids, Iowa, has begun marketing a charcoal-lined diaper for dogs which he claims will eliminate the odor from dog farts. (April 26, 2004) Mogo and I saw the Coen brothers’ latest film, The Ladykillers, last weekend. Tom Hanks stars as the ringleader of a small gang of goofs who want to burrow underground into a buried casino vault, steal millions, and slip away unnoticed. They rent a room in a house in a small southern town while posing as musicians practicing for a concert. They find just the right place--a house with a basement where they can “rehearse,” and the digging and burrowing begins. One of the henchmen, Garth Pancake (played by J. K. Simmons), brings along the girlfriend he met, he tells his co-conspirators, while attending an Irritable Bowel Syndrome Singles Weekend Retreat. This becomes a running gag throughout the film, along with plenty of others. Hanks is superb as a gasbag professor in his wispy goatee, white linen suit, and floppy bowtie. The Ladykillers is another in a long line of zany, edgy, weird, and wonderful films by the Coens, joining such worthies as The Hudsucker Proxy, Fargo, O Brother, Where Art Thou?, Blood Simple, Intolerable Cruelty, and The Man Who Wasn’t There. The landlady, wonderfully played by Irma P. Hall, has a cat who figures in a lot of the fun. A tip: pay attention to the cat at the film’s end. (April 26, 2004) Except For Poor Stanley Modarsky, This Was A Kodak Moment The mother of a 55-year-old man who died Saturday after falling out of a roller coaster in Massachusetts is blaming the amusement park owners for the death. Her son, she told eager Boston reporters Sunday, should never have been allowed to get on the ride because he was too heavy and had cerebral palsy. Seasoned readers smelled a lawsuit worth billions. But, alas, a small but disproportionately nettlesome turd has surfaced in the lottery punchbowl. Turns out the amusement parks are required by the Americans With Disabilities Act to allow disabled people on rides if they can get in the rides by themselves. Witnesses, who will have to be hunted down and eliminated, say Stanley J. Mordarsky, the deceased, boarded the ride by himself and without assistance. But perhaps we can sue for fatism. Beautiful moments like these are so few in a lifetime. (May 3, 2004) The percentage of Americans using a checkoff box on their personal tax returns to contribute $3 to the Presidential Election Campaign Fund has dropped to 10.5 percent, according to the latest IRS statistics through 2003. In 1976, when the fund was created, 27.5 percent contributed. (May 4, 2004) From a Texas death row comes the latest add-on to the Famous (Non-Scorched Corners) Nicknames list. Michael Wayne Hall currently resides there, his lawyer claiming he is mentally retarded with an IQ of less than 70. His jailhouse name, the Associated Press reports in this morning’s Star, is. . ."Half-Deck." Priceless. (May 6, 2004) Meaningless Gibberish On Meaningless Gibberish, Squared “Britney was absolutely devastated when I told her.” --Taryn Manning, an actress friend of Britney Spears, on breaking the news to Britney that the Japanese symbols tattooed on her hipbone were meaningless gibberish (from Newsweek magazine, May 17, 2004). And Now, Checking In From The University Of Mars. . . “Vote for Bolinas to be a socially acknowledged nature-loving town because to like to drink the water out of the lakes to eat the blueberries to like the bears is not hatred to hotels and motor boats. Dakar. Temporary and way to save life, skunks, and foxes (airplanes to go over the ocean) and to make it beautiful.” --Exact wording of a ballot measure approved 314-152 in November of 2003 by the voters of Bolinas, California. The measure was proposed by Jane Blethen, also known as Dakar, “a local woman who frequently dresses in burlap and paints her face with chocolate,” according to Harper’s Magazine, which unearthed and printed the news in its May, 2004 edition. MSNBC. 6:50 p.m. The voice-over advertised Chris Matthews’s program: “Hardball. Sponsored by Cialis.” Priceless. (May 20, 2004) The USS Angst-Ridden Incompetent Peacenik Buffoon Would Have Been A Better Name The Navy has named a Seawolf-class attack submarine after former president Jimmy Carter. The ship was christened the USS Jimmy Carter in a Groton, Connecticut, ceremony. (June 5, 2004) The 16-million member Southern Baptist organization has voted at its annual conference in Indianapolis to withdraw from the World Baptist Alliance. Why? Because it feels the World Alliance “leans too far left” and has “taken on an anti-American tone.” The action means the world organization loses about one-third of its funding. Good! (June 15, 2004) This Last-Minute Packing Reminder. . . The Indianapolis Star this morning quoted a Wimbledon tennis official asking for cooperation from the public with a reminder that they please not bring along any weapons they don’t actually need. I am not making this up. (June 23, 2004) Man. Five more wonderful nicknames. From July obituaries of the Indianapolis Star: Patrick *“Sun Eagle”* Flanigan, who departed 13 July at age 76; JaJuan Earl *“Moonhead”* Colbert, called home July 1 at age 24; and Antoine Duane *“Big Worm”* Edwards, Sr., who expired July 10 at age 28. On July 27, William James *“Still Bill” McGee died at age 61, a former president of the C.C. Riders Motorcycle Club. Robert A. “Bama Red”* Gordon left us the next day at age 69. (July 31, 2004) So Now Every Page Is A Whorehouse The Indianapolis Star on August 1, 2004, began running paid advertisements on page 1. (August 1, 2004) Worst News Of The Month, So Far C-SPAN’s Booknotes is going off the air at the end of the year. Host Brian Lamb, the pride and joy of Lafayette, Indiana, says he’s spent 1.8 years reading the books he so intelligently discusses with their authors and “it’s time to use all those hours in other ways.” The final broadcast will air December 5. Lamb has interviewed 800 authors over the show’s 15-year life. Lamb is in a class by himself as an interviewer. His shows have been jewels of literacy in television’s vast wasteland. He and Booknotes will be sorely missed. (August 10, 2004) Code For: Taking My Lying, Conniving Ass To Prison Martha Stewart has written a personal letter to subscribers to her magazine, Martha Stewart Living. In it, she thanks everyone for their support during her Most Recent Unpleasantness, touts new features and enhancements planned for the magazine, and confides, somewhat obliquely, that she can confidently take a respite from writing (her monthly letter and column) “to attend to my personal legal matters.” (August 16, 2004) An editorial in Barron’s over the Labor Day weekend noted a Bureau of Labor Statistics report which shows that in 2003 only 8.2 percent of all workers in the private sector belonged to unions--down by half in the twenty years since 1983. Good! (September 6, 2004) August obituaries got off to a hot start in the Famous Nickname derby. Larry D. *“Lumpy”* Wilson departed August 3 at age 55. The August 4 Star presented a trifecta: Deceased was Mr. Buford *“Spider”* Endsley at age 95. But he was survived by two sons, Elvis “Pookie” Endsley and Maurice *“Squeekie”* Endsley. Two daughters provided second-tier nicknames: Lalia (“Tiny”) and Mary (“Couldney”). August 6 brought us James Thomas *“Candyman”* Hawkins and on the 14th Mr. Welby Duane *“Dude”* Crawford, 71, exited the stage. Not until early September did we see others of note: Bobby L. *“Savage”* Gaskins, Kenneth *“Hoot”* Gibson, Jr., Edith P. *“Perk”* Barber, and Barbara Jean *“Boo 52"* Davenport Flowers. Early October brought us Ernest L. *“Blue”* Muse and Della *“Ladybug” Richmond. Soon there followed William K. “Billy Goat”* Landrum (survived by an uncle, William “Uncle Bubba” Landrum), Herman *“Bronco”* McCloud, Sr., Arto L. “Big Moose” Williams, Sara Marie“Ma Bells” Simpson, Ralph “Bus” Woermer, and Darren *“Kool-Aid”* Oldham, Sr., and another survivor named Marion H. “Mayday” Stuart. “ If my brothers had been drafted, my father, a Korean war vet, would have gladly sent them off to basic training. Today he’d buy his grandkids a one-way ticket to Toronto.” --Lefty columnist Anna Quindlen, writing in Newsweek Sept. 6, in an essay about changes in American culture since the Vietnam war era, a column apparently prompted by persistent reports circulating among lefties that Dubya The Antichrist is going to reinstate the military draft just as soon as he’s re-elected. (September 15, 2004) Here’s one of the changes Quindlen noted: over 70 percent of American males over the age of 65 have served in the military; only 12 percent between ages 18 and 29 have. My guess would be that among politicians, the figures are even lower. (September 15, 2004) A poll of American Indians concluded in September produced results which will send the Left into apoplexy. An “overwhelming majority” of Indians are not offended by the name of the Washington Redskins pro football team. The University of Pennsylvania, that notorious bastion of right-wing lunacy, polled Indians in 48 states (all but Hawaii and Alaska) in its National Annenberg Election Survey. The Associated Press story said there was only one statistical difference of note: Indians with college degrees (13 percent) were more likely to take offense than those with some college but no degree (9 percent) or those who have not attended college (6 percent). That squares with what we intuitively know about the effect of college education. Otherwise, the 90 percent rejection of the idea ran across all age, sex and other survey categories. This is a devastating result for the only people who insist that the use of Indian names is a moral outrage: the wacko lefty screechers, who will doggedly march on, no matter what the facts. (September 26, 2004) A picture flew around the Internet in late September of a group of Marines with heads bowed. The accompanying text said the Marines were shown praying at a ceremony honoring the birthday of the corps, and that the ACLU was screaming bloody murder, threatening to sue to stop these federal employees from praying on federal property and committing religion. Some of this stuff is so goofy you can’t believe it could be true. But if this one is, I hereby volunteer to bring in a B-52 at treetop level over ACLU headquarters and dust ‘em with Daisy Cutters. It would be an honor. (September 30, 2004) Inspiring In 1981, And Equally Inspiring Today A Berkeley, California, hospital held a fund-raiser for a stroke victim who’d been in a coma since 1979 and with whom doctors had been unable to communicate. Funds were used to buy a special computer to communicate with the man. Upon receipt of the first electronic message, the victim delivered the following message: “Leave me alone.” Around this same time, Orville Watt Lloyd, of Virginia Beach, Virginia, told police he killed his mother-in-law after mistaking her for a large raccoon, and the most popular magazine in China, the Journal of UFO Research, ran a story on children who could read with their armpits. --Highlights from Esquire magazine’s 1981 Dubious Achievements Awards. Lefties stoutly deny there’s any bias in the press, despite evidence everywhere. They hate hearing how far back it goes, too. The October 4 issue of The Weekly Standard mentioned (in an article about Dan Rather’s latest embarrassment) a 1981 survey of 240 journalists by social scientists Robert Lichter and Stanley Rothman. It showed 94 percent of them had voted for Lyndon Johnson in 1964, that 81 percent voted for McGovern in 1972, and 81 percent voted for Carter in 1976. This bookends nicely with surveys taken in the 1990s when 89-90 percent of journalists surveyed admitted voting for Sick Willie. No bias whatsoever. (October 4, 2004) Yeah, And Seein’ Dan Nailed Up There Like A Pinata Was A Big Thrill, Too “The metastasizing clownishness of Dan Rather’s entire persona is one of the most glorious and enjoyable spectacles of the modern media age.” --Jonah Goldberg, writing in the October 11 issue of National Review about Rather’s and CBS’s attempted smear of Dubya’s National Guard service which turned out to be based on forged documents which Dan used even after being warned they were probably fraudulent. Two Tucson men were arrested after throwing a pie at conservative author Ann Coulter while she was giving a speech at the University of Arizona. Apparently because they missed, they told police they were throwing the pies “at her ideas,” not at Coulter. They were jailed. And down in darkest Florida, a man driving a late-model silver Cadillac sped through a Sarasota intersection, jumped a curb and tried to run down Republican Congressman Katherine Harris at a political rally. The driver is said to have told police he didn’t like Harris, formerly Florida’s Secretary of State, because she was at the center of the 2000 Florida election dispute, the one Lefties lost and will never get over. I’ve had an ear to the ground and an eye on the slipstream press, but so far haven’t heard a peep from Hillary Clinton or any other bleeder about the meanspiritedness of all this. (October 28, 2004) “Congratulations on a superb November 11 column on the death of the vile and despicable Yasser Arafat. You’ll be fairly lonely in such a courageous and clear-eyed assessment. We’ll be punished in the coming days with a sickening parade of weepers and fools who’ll line the funeral route telling us this is the equivalent of Christ or Gandhi passing.” --Angus McCloud, a correspondent, in his letter to Boston Globe columnist Jeff Jacoby, who described Arafat as the evil beast that he was. NBC news anchor Tom Brokaw attended the Nebraska-Oklahoma football game. When the public address fellow announced that Brokaw was a stadium guest, a cascade of boos erupted, long and loud. Good. (November 30, 2004) Number of people in North Carolina holding state licenses with the same Social Security number (999-99-9999): 388,000--Marti Dinerstein, president of Immigration Matters, an organization supporting tougher immigration laws, quoted in the Chicago Tribune November 29 by op-ed columnist Dennis Byrne. (November 29, 2004) Number of valid driver’s licenses held by the 19 hijackers involved in the September 11 Unpleasantness: 69 --Marti Dinerstein (see above). An advance scout reports that the display windows at Marshall Field's store in Chicago are decorated this winter with figures from the story of Snow White and The Seven Little Men. Can’t say “dwarfs” any more. The little critters are in African, Asian, Hispanic, Honky and other forms of unknown origin, too. (December 6, 2004) I recently was offered a chance to convert unused frequent flier miles into magazine subscriptions. A one-year round of Newsweek was one of my choices. The year is about up. What a disappointment. I recently got an offer to renew for 12 months for $11.97. I am declining. Newsweek used to be serious about news, and a serious magazine. No more. The modern Newsweek is cartoonish in its obsession with popular culture and the cotton candyish fluff of “soft” news--about fads, about feelings, about polls and cosmetic surgery, about snivelers, freaks, activists, hand-wringers, reality shows, crappy movies, crappy art, crappy ideas, a cavalcade of Michael Moores, dopers, warthogs, angry, silly people. I wouldn’t have the danged magazine in my house if they’d give it to me free. (December 10, 2004) We’ll Just Have To Find Other Ways To Make The Children Feel Good About Themselves A third grade teacher in Muncie has been suspended after being accused of helping her students correctly answer questions on state-mandated tests. The school could lose federal funding because of the incident. Courageous school administrators dipped deep, found nothing, and announced that the children and teacher would not be punished but that, by golly, the test scores will not be counted. That’ll show ‘em! (December 23, 2004) Two of Sick’s midnight pardonees returned to the news as 2004 lurched to a close. The legendary federal fugitive billionaire, Marc Rich (whose balloon-chested wife, Denise, funneled monster cash to the Dems and another $400 grand or so to Sick’s presidential library fund in what were mere coincidents to her husband’s pardon) was reported by the New York Post to be a major target of state and federal prosecutors looking into the UN’s Iraq Oil For Skimming Scam, and the lovely and talented Susan Rosenburg, pardoned by Sick from her prison term for numerous convictions related to her Weather Underground activities (accessory to armored car robbery and murder, possesion of illegal explosives, and so on) was appointed to an “artist/activist in residence” faculty position at Hamilton College in upstate New York. (December 26, 2004) They Shoulda Dropped Wolfgang Year-end excavations turned up this beauty. USA Today reported in its July 20, 2001, issue that an “artist” dropped a bloody, headless cow from a helicopter in beautiful downtown Berlin after a city judge refused a 13-year-old girl’s lawsuit (she claimed, astonishingly to most Berliners, I’ll bet, that this wasn’t art) to stop the performance. The perpetrator, identified as Wolfgang Flatz, himself “hung naked and bleeding from a crane with his arms spread crosslike as industrial music blared” from a nearby construction site. Then the cow dropped 130 feet to the ground. Oooooooooooh. . .Dangerous Question John Anderson of Carmel wrote to the Indianapolis Star to report that for the first time in his living memory, the Star did not run a “Merry Christmas” banner on page 1 of its December 25 edition. Even though he and we know, he professed to wonder why. Ornery pricks. Gotta love ‘em! (December 29, 2004) Heavy Artillery Called In After months of secret negotiations, the City of Indianapolis and its professional football team, the Indianapolis Colts, revealed at the height of the Christmas season a proposal to build a new stadium to keep the team in town for the next 30 years. It took the Indianapolis Star, bless its trembling, often confused, silly, nonjudgmental soul, only a few days to lay out an aspect of the big deal neither side wanted put up on banners: the comparative cost of the public funds versus private funds. Reporters John Fritze and Matthew Tully compared Indianapolis to nine other NFL cities where new stadia recently opened. Indianapolis ranked dead last or next-to-last--depending on how the numbers are tweaked--Cincinnati’s figure was listed as “89% to 95%”--where it hurts taxpayers the most--the percentage of taxpayer funds (90%) in the deal. (And worse--for the proponents--the Indianapolis deal depends largely on new gambling revenue. It was reported that 25% of the state’s annual revenue already comes from gambling) In Seattle, 70% of the money came from taxpayers; in Pittsburgh, 56%; in Chicago, 68%. Other cities included: Denver, 75%; Philadelphia, 59%; Houston, 83%. The New England Patriots’ new stadium was 100% percent financed by the team owner, Robert Kraft. Proponents of the stadium in Indianapolis have already begun softening up the public with barrages of pro-stadium support from “experts” and with “economic studies” trumpeting the downright incredible benefits of these raids on the state treasury. A convincing case can be made for either side of the argument. The Indianapolis plan includes a huge expansion of the present convention center, the benefits of which are far easier to quantify than the stadium’s. The mayor, new governor, Mitch Daniels, and state and local government officials face a daunting challenge. Economic conditions in Indiana are mediocre, the state treasury is running a deficit, and the list of public projects which need funding is lengthy. Indianapolis appears to have little negotiating power in these matters. There are said to be other cities panting in line, eager to grab an NFL franchise in this god-foresaken American culture of ours, and asking public officials to resist the siren call of it all is quite a stretch. (December 31, 2004) Back to top
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